Help How can I help myself accept it and gather the courage? I want to..

[WillowedFlower]

Hi everyone. My life has become unbearable physicaly (severe tinnitus), emotionally (losing the love of my life because of my T and anxiety after a long fight for him), and psychologically (generalized anxiety disorder with OCD coupled with severe T and hearing loss). So much so that many people have left me- friends, the S.O. My mom still sticks by my side for some reason im not sure why, but my situation is giving her immense pain too I have no hope in my future and want to end the suffering of both myself and the others around me. I know they will probably grieve for a bit, but in the end it will be less painful and destructive/traumatizing than dealing with me in this misery for years (I'm 28 with already profound hearing issues and the T and mental health issues)... My case is hopeless. Ive had several therapists for more than a year and it is all a hopeless deadend, so many pep talks and failed second chances too... I truly want to already end my own suffering and my mom's/world's as well.... I just lack the courage because i am so scared... I am so scared of death in general, let alone being the one to cause it. But I am desperate to escape this living hell... any advice on what i can do to come to terms with it and to get the courage to finally leave? any spiritual guides or books i can turn to for example? Im also scared of the spiritual consequences and just hope there will be none or mild, but its a giant fear of mine because the only thing worse than horribly suffering for 20+ years is suffering for an eternity, sends shivers down my spine and i feel so trapped...

 

[fatladysings]

I don't know of any books that would help you get the courage to ctb.

If you are worried about the spiritual consequences of suicide, I would recommend "Conversations with God " by Neale Donald Walsh. If you do believe in God, and you sound like you do, then this book makes God out to be someone who will not punish you for ctb'ing.

I used to believe in God but abandoned my beliefs a long time ago. I read the aforementioned book back in my believer days.

I'm so sorry you've got tinnitus, it is a very distressing condition. I'm also sorry that you really want to die but are scared of death. I have absolutely no fear of death, I am only scared of failing to kill myself and being stuck on this planet for another few decades. So I heartily recommend atheism as a cure for being afraid of dying.

 

[Plentiful_Despair]

I think I need to be very angry. There have been several days where I almost did it, but something always calmed me down. But I almost pulled the trigger, sat there for 5 minutes and just trying to do it but didn't feel angry enough I guess.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace eventually, it really sounds like you've suffered so much in this cruel existence.