Help How can I develop the discipline to die

[aaaannndz]

Yeah. I know. This isn't a question anyone can answer for me or help me with. Only the owner of one's life can find the will to end it. But I'm desperate. So I'm going to ask anyway.

I've been putting this off for years now. The truth is I don't belong on this forum. I've lived a privileged, comfortable life. I'm not a victim. I've never felt pain. In fact, I'm the one that caused the pain. I'm not a good person. But I want out anyway. Unfortunately, due to how easy my life is, I'm too good at feeling okay. Being the manchild I am, I'd rather spend all day playing games than finish my letters or fix my sleep schedule in order wake up in time to hang myself. But reality always hits eventually. And every single time I'm reminded of why I want to die. And I feel not just guilty because I know I'm wasting time, but angry and frustrated, that I need to rely on external factors to give me the fuel I need to die. If left to my own devices, I always go back to living life on auto-pilot. Only when things go wrong or when I feel upset or I'm reminded of reality do I regain the motivation. Until I lose it again.

And yet, in rare occasions when I can genuinely internalize death, that I'll never see another day, that I won't even know that I died, imagining how my parents will react when they find my body and how I'll ruin their lives. I feel fear. Rationally, I look forward to death. But emotionally, I'm afraid. I once saw a youtube comment that described suicidality as jumping out of a burning building. Those who are on the ground might wonder how they aren't afraid of the fall. They are; its just that the fire is scarier. As I said, I don't know pain. So I don't have the fire to push past that fear or hold onto my motivation. I don't know if I ever will.

So that's why I'm asking for help. I know it's selfish to ask when everyone here is actually suffering. It's funny to ask for help when I've never helped a single person, but I'm desperate. Please. I'll take any advice. How can I get serious. How can I tune everything out, not get distracted, not be afraid, and just end it already.

 

[SuicideKurt]

Read philosophy. Feel what it's like to be under anesthesia (it will be the same after death). That's what helped me to reduce fear.
About pain - I also try to minimize the part of me that commits suicide because of pain. I have suicidal thoughts even when I feel great and nothing wrong in my life. I think that choosing non-existence instead of existence at the "peak" of my life will help those people I know IRL not to be afraid of death because it is not something bad. From that side killing yourself without being in pain has no problem at all.

 

[aaaannndz]

Read philosophy. Feel what it's like to be under anesthesia (it will be the same after death). That's what helped me to reduce fear.
About pain - I also try to minimize the part of me that commits suicide because of pain. I have suicidal thoughts even when I feel great and nothing wrong in my life. I think that choosing non-existence instead of existence at the "peak" of my life will help those people I know IRL not to be afraid of death because it is not something bad. From that side killing yourself without being in pain has no problem at all.

Reading up on death does sound like a good idea, I've tried in the past but dropped it. I can't experience anesthesia but I like to believe death is like sleep, hopefully that's similar enough. I guess I agree with your sentiment. I also don't think death is necessarily bad and life isn't necessarily good, both are just equally valid choices. But pain is certainly a powerful motivator, which I lack. I think it's powerful how you'll make a statement with your death, I hope you get the outcome you desire. Thanks for the advice.

 

[99th Dalmatian]

Wow. That's deep. Not having the fire to push you out of the building. Poetic.
Still, I honestly can't relate.
Gotta ask though, doesn't comparing yourself to others give you the fuel for this fire you talk of? (not that I encourage, hehe). For me, reading about genetic determinism and lookism does the trick. If I feel that I'm a little happier than I should be, these topics do serve as pure depression fuel.
Knowing how much of an impact genetic determinism and lookism might have on one's life, regardless of their hard work, kills my motivation to go on.

I mean, even if I had a comfortable life, these topics would be super depressing, I think. Even if I won the genetic lottery, I would probably empathise with friends, or just other people, who didn't get so lucky. A vicarious experience in how bad their lives are, even if imaginary, would light that fire up for me -- maybe, or maybe not. I dunno.

Godspeed. If anything ever works to light that fire for you, it'd be pretty great to know what did it (hehe, just saying. maybe it could also help us over here hasten our decision, either to 'exit' or to recover)