Help How can anyone want life?

[FieldsofLavender]

I don't understand, I don't understand... Everyone around me is so determined to live, but I just don't get it... The 'small things' never are enough, there's never something that makes me think I want keep going for my own sake... The only thing that keeps me around is my friends and family, but more and more it feels like my constant state of pain, fear, and guilt isn't worth it, I just... don't understand... I mean, I have a guess, when I was attempting to do college I wrote a paper on Antinatalism, and things surrounding it. I learned about the pollyanna principle, and I feel like... It terrifies me, it scares my entire being. How do people just ignore the constant pain and suffering and discomfort they're in? How is it possibly worth it? To even keep myself going I find that I can only make it really bearable by drowning in pleasure and addiction, becoming hedonistic, and even then it's more of a distraction from the pain and terror that living as myself is...

Is it just... Different to "normal" people? Am I—Are we just different somehow? For myself I've been told by others that part of why nothing is worth it is because my brain has been fried by indulgence, that I fell to far into the rabbit hole of addiction to possibly find happiness in anything else... Could that be it? Maybe from the years worth of relying on opiates running through my veins to be able to do anything, from school assignments to visiting with friends, maybe I've ruined myself, maybe I've made it impossible to live, to be happy, to feel anything other than pain and anguish and fear and anxiety and confusion and guilt and envy, maybe...! Maybe...

Maybe I've damned myself... Damned myself to a hell of mundanity, a world where nothing feels worth it, and everything is... Normal. Normal, except me, and my expectations, I guess...

And when I lay awake at night, begging the universe or god or anything, anything that I can just disappear, that one day I'll cease to be and everyone will forget I ever existed, that one day the doors to my room will be wallpapered over and that happiness will find everyone who can have it, I should know that it's my own fault I'm in this position... I began writing this with the question "how can anyone want life," but now that I'm nearing the end of writing it, I'm left with the question, "how can I want life"?... How can anything be worth the unending pain, when my happy, my pleasure, my indulgence is greatly finite, yet better than anything else I've ever experienced?...

I-I'm noticing this post is really dramatic, ehehe... I-I guess I'm in a dramatic mood... I-I'm sorry if it's embarrassing or cringey... I-I just kind of typed out a string of thought... S-sorry... s-sorry...

 

[jodes2]

Don't worry, vent away :) I hope things change for you. I'm sorry you think like this. I think it's important to always challenge negative beliefs, they can fuel the cycle of negative feelings. Try and engage in appreciating what you do have, the little joys you get, the fact that things could be worse. I know you're suffering. But with some work we can change some of this. More positive thinking gives us scope for being able to change things. Think, things can get better. I'm alive, I'm surviving, I'm doing well with what I've been given. I can do this. I can make improvements in my life. One step at a time. I hope you manage to find more satisfaction in life

 

[Professor K]

the point of life for most people is to find happiness. many people are unhappy and have thought of ending their own lives too, but they don't because they always have this imaginary hope that it will get better and that they will find happiness one day. to me, life IS suffering and death IS happiness since it is by definition the removal of life so the removal of suffering. i guess they keep on living since they know will ultimately die anyway. some other people find ''reasons'' to live like raising children, but then again they won't live for themselves. we all just let it rot.

 

[LocalAngel]

It's very possible you can't find happiness due to addiction, yes. But i think the answer is deeper then that. Recovery is not for everyone. If you're asking the question "How can i want life?" then i think, in all honesty, you can find it if you keep pushing. The answer won't necessarily make you not want to CTB though. Just because i know i should overcome my trauma doesn't mean i suddenly can.

I also have no idea how people ignore suffering and pain- especially when it's everywhere around us. Ignorance is bliss i guess. But i can't be ignorant if i'm so aware of my own problems, and therefore, the worlds due to not falling into being ignorant.

To be honest, i think my entire existence up to this point, has been for others, and for that immediate rush in good feelings. The point in life is to find happiness and contentedness, but i just don't think that's possible for me.

I hope this has been relatable, at the very least.

 

[FieldsofLavender]

Don't worry, vent away :)

S-sorry, I-I should have posted this in Suicide discussion with the venting tag...

 

[SeeminglyFine]

When i do lots of drugs and act as "normally" as they do, i know i've reached their baseline, smelling the roses will perc them up or something , meanwhile il be bound to crash, ppl feel different. Different levels of various hormones , A first trip on weed made me see a lot of it, feel how they feel but just the through empathy not through experience, it also messed with my brain real bad till now, wasnt some opioids(didnt do as much) or alcohol that messed me up but it felt different after relating and seeing it from 3rd pespective, sober later on, more tolerating my feeling of black sheep,
if im the type with low energy would be painful to push myself to be active,
An active person wouldnt want to be in a room all day,
A person with too much empathy will suffer around very emotionally unstable people but a psychopath might indulge on it.

No point in trying to fit into a frame the way i see it

i take stimulants to be more focused and active due to Attention deficiet disorder and im not sure i want to really, not as much atleast, caused a lot of pain and overindulgence personally,

maybe other people ignore the pain but i think they feel it to a lesser degree, by comparison there isnt much positive about it for me, but i suppose acknowledging its counter-intuitive to try so hard to be/feel the same as them made it easier

 

[jodes2]

S-sorry, I-I should have posted this in Suicide discussion with the venting tag...

No! It's fine!

 

[wanttodie]

me to i don't want life

 

[ughnvm]

the easiest way is to have a dog ig. your reasons make more sense than many other people, you talk/care(if true) about all humanity. before, i did too, but one person told me that i shouldn't care about the things that i don't have control over, that is out of my hands.
so I'd suggest focus on your health and relationships and try not to think what's in people's mind, whether they care about stuff or not and dont forget to have a dog(⁠｡⁠•̀⁠ᴗ⁠-⁠)
love you