Discussion How bad do you have to feel so the fear of cs isn't enough to stop you?

[KN95]

For the past couple of years I've wanted to die but haven't attempted to take my life. I've often told myself my reason for not attempting suicide is because of how badly it would affect my family, but If I were really being honest with myself the main reason is fear.

I'm 23 and still live at home, so I have it way easier than most people in the world. I don't have to worry about finding money for bills. I have no children to care for. I haven't worked for 4 years, because of my social anxiety making it impossible. I have 0 responsibilities. Considering all of this, living with depression is WAY less hard to deal with compared to so many others who suffer with it. I wonder if my circumstances were different, like if I were to be made homeless or something, whether this would be enough motivation for me to attempt to take my life. Also I drink most nights and it's a hell of a lot easier to drink to forget than it is to try kill yourself.

I know there's many people who are in a similar situation to me who attempt. I don't want to offend anyone. I guess I'm just wondering if it's because I haven't had the courage or enough motivation to do it yet or if it's because I have it a lot better than others and my depression isn't anyway near as bad as other people who have it.

 

[Walilamdzi]

Hey, was there something that changed a couple of years ago to make you start to feel like that?

I'm in a similar position to you. It would affect my family badly too, so I'm just hanging around for the time being seeing if I can make something work, I guess. I'm not really doing anything constructive at the moment, but I have the vague idea that I might try something and push on a bit longer. Most of the time though, I feel complete dread at the future, totally lacking any enthusiasm at this point. The monotony is killing me. If this is my youth, how could the future possibly be worth waiting for?

The main thing stopping me is not feeling confident in a method. I don't believe in an afterlife, it's hard to imagine not existing, all I've ever known is existence, so that doesn't bother me. I just don't want pain, that's the issue. What do you fear?

 

[Donewith_]

me too.. 23 and at my parents' house. i moved back to my parents' house before a while due to various reasons.
may i ask what drove you to this point?

 

[KN95]

Hey, was there something that changed a couple of years ago to make you start to feel like that?

I'm in a similar position to you. It would affect my family badly too, so I'm just hanging around for the time being seeing if I can make something work, I guess. I'm not really doing anything constructive at the moment, but I have the vague idea that I might try something and push on a bit longer. Most of the time though, I feel complete dread at the future, totally lacking any enthusiasm at this point. The monotony is killing me. If this is my youth, how could the future possibly be worth waiting for?

The main thing stopping me is not feeling confident in a method. I don't believe in an afterlife, it's hard to imagine not existing, all I've ever known is existence, so that doesn't bother me. I just don't want pain, that's the issue. What do you fear?

Sorry for not replying sooner. And thanks for your response.

A lot of things have led me to being this way. The main reason though is that I couldn't keep trying to forget the things I'd done over the few years leading up to that point. I honestly don't understand why I did what I did, how I didn't question the morality of it all at the time, or how I was able to not think about it for as long as I managed to. What I've done is truly disturbing. The sort of stuff even the most forgiving person would seriously struggle to undestand. Man. It feels so surreal. It feels like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. But atleast my family and friends aren't aware of these things. They wouldn't ever be able to imagine me doing what I've done. The evil monster I am/was.

See, now, I'm the most compassionate and empathetic person I could be. I only want for others to be happy. The things I've done are so evil. I had always thought of myself as a good person. But my demons tell a different story. The polar opposite really.

Apart from that it's the shame of being this socially anxious and awkward mess that I am. I often ruminate about all the social situations when I've acted like a weirdo. That's pretty hard to deal with. And in general just how much of a mess I've made of my life. Addiction, failure, how I've treated family who've done everything they could for me, all of it.

I mostly fear having to live another 50 years burdened by this extreme guilt and shame. Never being able to forget and move on. But also just dealing with every day life. My social anxiety/general anxiety leaves me barely able to leave my house. You can imagine what problems that brings.

I've never been a religious person. I mean the idea of God baffled me. I still pretty much believe it's just an ancient scam. A tool used to brainwash and control the masses. A massively effective one at that. But now, I'm seriously considering that this world is hell, a place for people like me to suffer for my evil doings. Given what I've done I couldn't argue the harshness of the punishment. Maybe heaven and hell coexist on the same plane of existence. It being a state of mind one comes to that's determined by a person's actions. Then again, many philosophers and nueroscientists argue that freewill is an illusion, so maybe I'm not to blame for my actions. Even now as I type this the words are coming from my mind, but it doesn't feel like I'm truly consciously thinking through what I'm going to say, it almost feels like it's happening automatically.

Sorry. Haha. Now I'm just rambling and being crazy. I'm a little drunk so forgive me for the madness. Alcohol and being in a depressive mood doesn't mix will with an existential crisis. I'll probably regret saying all this in the morning.

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

When you're willing to take a pistol off a police officers' holster and shoot yourself with either a .44 magnum and a nine millimeter pistol in hopes that you will have that peaceful death and when you lose enough blood you go into that delirious anemic state where you want to die I attempted more than once but everyone who is "in" on it is just going to pretend that I only attempted once and claim it as either delusional thinking or a dream.

Edit: how bad is quite the understatement when you are at the point when you write a suicide note and attempt or when you snap due to the past when you feel like death is better than life and you actually attempt when you are at the point where you feel like you no longer want to live or would prefer to die and attempt how to explain "how bad one must feel" on absolute, objective, relative, and subjective scales is quite the phenomena of words but the mental and emotional is the worst feeling a human can feel when you become far gone as I call it I can't really explain to you in words but if I could it feels like your own inner voice has convinced you that it is okay to die.

 

[KN95]

When you're willing to take a pistol off a police officers' holster and shoot yourself with either a .44 magnum and a nine millimeter pistol in hopes that you will have that peaceful death and when you lose enough blood you go into that delirious anemic state where you want to die I attempted more than once but everyone who is "in" on it is just going to pretend that I only attempted once and claim it as either delusional thinking or a dream.

Sorry that you've had to go through that shit, man. I can't imagine how it must feel to have attempted. How are you feeling now?

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

Sorry that you've had to go through that shit, man. I can't imagine how it must feel to have attempted. How are you feeling now?

I am feeling fine concerned about the future because I am too smart for my own good I know that the people who claim to want to help me has also harmed me in a way and I suffered immensely because of it but I know that the people who look into my data who are questioning my stability via cable communications, data mining, data hacking, data tracing and all that will pretend that it was all a dream or it was just all in my head as delusional thinking trust me I've done some bad things that I no longer want to do but if you truly know if you ever heard any news stories of someone named Adam Emery Maginnis then whatever your perspective of that person will explain how bad one must feel I just don't want to do all my past sins anymore.

For the past couple of years I've wanted to die but haven't attempted to take my life. I've often told myself my reason for not attempting suicide is because of how badly it would affect my family, but If I were really being honest with myself the main reason is fear.

I'm 23 and still live at home, so I have it way easier than most people in the world. I don't have to worry about finding money for bills. I have no children to care for. I haven't worked for 4 years, because of my social anxiety making it impossible. I have 0 responsibilities. Considering all of this, living with depression is WAY less hard to deal with compared to so many others who suffer with it. I wonder if my circumstances were different, like if I were to be made homeless or something, whether this would be enough motivation for me to attempt to take my life. Also I drink most nights and it's a hell of a lot easier to drink to forget than it is to try kill yourself.

I know there's many people who are in a similar situation to me who attempt. I don't want to offend anyone. I guess I'm just wondering if it's because I haven't had the courage or enough motivation to do it yet or if it's because I have it a lot better than others and my depression isn't anyway near as bad as other people who have it.

Another thing is that this happened sometime in the past but I couldn't tell you when because I don't remember it too well plus some people will just claim it to be a dream or pretend "all great actors, all great liars, all great pretenders, all great storytellers, then we tell the truth" and trust me I've been pretty bad in my past and I don't want to do that anymore.

 

[KN95]

I am feeling fine concerned about the future because I am too smart for my own good I know that the people who claim to want to help me has also harmed me in a way and I suffered immensely because of it but I know that the people who look into my data who are questioning my stability via cable communications, data mining, data hacking, data tracing and all that will pretend that it was all a dream or it was just all in my head as delusional thinking trust me I've done some bad things that I no longer want to do but if you truly know if you ever heard any news stories of someone named Adam Emery Maginnis then whatever your perspective of that person will explain how bad one must feel I just don't want to do all my past sins anymore.

Another thing is that this happened sometime in the past but I couldn't tell you when because I don't remember it too well plus some people will just claim it to be a dream or pretend "all great actors, all great liars, all great pretenders, all great storytellers, then we tell the truth" and trust me I've been pretty bad in my past and I don't want to do that anymore.

Knowing you've done wrong and feeling remorse is a good thing as it means you're not a psychopath. It can be the start for change and wanting to be a better person. May I ask if you're getting help for what's troubling you?

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

Knowing you've done wrong and feeling remorse is a good thing as it means you're not a psychopath. It can be the start fot change and wanting to be a better person. May I ask if you're getting help for what's troubling you?

Yes, therapy and whatever psych evaluation for more meds which I'm not too huge fan of I've been doped up on "truth serum" before and been told to do things and forced to say things against my own will due to the things I've done when I snapped and I don't want to do any of those terrible things ever again I tend to let people control me when I shouldn't and I already know something is going to happen in the future I just don't know what it'll be.

I used to be so much better than some of my previous constants and variations of myself now I don't know what'll happen to me I was also force deep to lose my vision due to being drugged without my knowledge and against my will but the people involved in on it will claim it to be a dream or delusional thinking as if I was either making it up or thinking of events that never happened I am smarter than that plus they have all the evidence and they could blackmail me like they did before trust me when I say this or not I don't really care but I just don't want to do the same past sins anymore I paid enough with blood, sweat and tears also been raped before I've done police station shootings stabbing, Clinic shootings and stabbing, apartment suicide attempts and shootings trait me I've done really, really, bad things plus I am smart enough to know that they look up my info on this website I once tried to find someone to kill me on this website and gotten arrested for it been through federal prison, memory wipes and electroshock therapy and secure housing gotten raped but most people won't believe me and I wouldn't blame them because now I am at the same point as they did before been syringed before tranquilizer so I don't know what they the family, friends, every other person's pets and the support network that o have that believe me or not some of them played a role in me snapping and doing bad things some of them didn't intend to do it they thought they could just take advantage of someone like me and mainly gotten away with it but also haven't but here I am again I know they are trying to "help" but they also can make it worse.

 

[KN95]

Yes, therapy and whatever psych evaluation for more meds which I'm not too huge fan of I've been doped up on "truth serum" before and been told to do things and forced to say things against my own will due to the things I've done when I snapped and I don't want to do any of those terrible things ever again I tend to let people control me when I shouldn't and I already know something is going to happen in the future I just don't know what it'll be.

I used to be so much better than some of my previous constants and variations of myself now I don't know what'll happen to me I was also force deep to lose my vision due to being drugged without my knowledge and against my will but the people involved in on it will claim it to be a dream or delusional thinking as if I was either making it up or thinking of events that never happened I am smarter than that plus they have all the evidence and they could blackmail me like they did before trust me when I say this or not I don't really care but I just don't want to do the same past sins anymore I paid enough with blood, sweat and tears also been raped before I've done police station shootings stabbing, Clinic shootings and stabbing, apartment suicide attempts and shootings trait me I've done really, really, bad things plus I am smart enough to know that they look up my info on this website I once tried to find someone to kill me on this website and gotten arrested for it been through federal prison, memory wipes and electroshock therapy and secure housing gotten raped but most people won't believe me and I wouldn't blame them because now I am at the same point as they did before been syringed before tranquilizer so I don't know what they the family, friends, every other person's pets and the support network that o have that believe me or not some of them played a role in me snapping and doing bad things some of them didn't intend to do it they thought they could just take advantage of someone like me and mainly gotten away with it but also haven't but here I am again I know they are trying to "help" but they also can make it worse.

I wish I could help you bro. What you're experiencing sounds so horrible. I know sometimes therapy annd medication can be really hard as I've had some experience. I really do hope that you start feeling better though. It's hard to see someone suffering like you are. I just don't want to say anything that could make you feel worse since I'm not a doctor or anything.

You say you think bad things might happen in the future but maybe if you try to remind yourself as much as you can that you want to do good things it might help you stay on that path? Acknowledging that you have decided that you want to good seems like a big step in the right direction.

Do you have anyone in your life that you can trust that will try to help and support you?