Venting hovering between life and death? or am i just a coward?

[Ashley_1988]

I feel so disappointed about myself, for many month now i´ve been in that numb state doing nothing. I am not even really sad - i just don´t care. The days are blurring into each other, sometimes i am not sure which weekday we´re actually having. About two days ago I have had the great idea to postpone my ctb date for at least two years, in order to really give it another shot. But tbh the only thing i am thinking about currently is how to get SN, how to find the less painful way to just go..that's so paradox it isn´t even funny.
My recovery plan ended in the worst possible way i never felt such a strong urge to ctb. When I reflected the reasons of that "bizarre" development i guess thx to my two year plan I actually set myself under such a huge pressure to do anything but hanging around doing nothing. But that is all just wishful thinking, i have not the energy to do anything..sometimes i am not even in the right mind set to accomplish everyday activities like brushing the teeth, or showering every second day- I feel pretty discussing.
Regardless of the stuff mentioned above, I don´t see really a point to give live another shot at all. I have been suffering for years, always fighting and fighting..until the next fucked up shit in my live happened and i had to pic all the pieces up again. And i am tired so tired..I know if i keep on living i will have some or nice experiences But I know that the darkness will always overshadow the light.
And my last straw was my abortion, i still think it is the right to decide if u want to keep the child or not- i would never judge!!. But for me personally it was something that I will never forgive myself it feels like I just killed a part of myself...And i hate me for throwing that pity party cause no one pressured me into that decision.
sorry for venting so long...I am just tired to be alive and but not breathing and feeling dead and still hurting...I hate the place where I am now..i hate that i am not changing anything about it...

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Don't worry about not showering that often, I read that the optimal shower frequency is like 3x/w. I'm forced to be a shower-cuck since I go to the gym often, so I shower every day or every other day.

 

[Last chance]

I feel you,Im so depressed right now that I cant even manage to do the things that will supposedly make me feel better. I cant eat,I cant sleep,I dont want to go outside,I dont want to talk to anyone,I havent showered since Thursday and brushing my teeth makes me throw up.


Everything that might possibly help my brain tells me that it either wont help or is out of reach. I am truly hopeless and the only thing I have the energy to do is practice my exit method. I cant carry on feeling this hopeless.

I hope we both find a way to dig ourselves out of this one way or the other.

 

[WornOutLife]

I know what that kind of days feel like.
You end up doing nothing, just overthinking and when you look at the clock, the day is over. Time goes by way too fast.

Hope you can give life another shot even though I know it's the most difficult to achieve!

Send you lots of hugs!

 

[Mentalmick]

Don't worry about not showering that often, I read that the optimal shower frequency is like 3x/w. I'm forced to be a shower-cuck since I go to the gym often, so I shower every day or every other day.

You're right. Showering's for pussies anyway. Real men use steel wool or an orbital sander. Or if you don't have access to them then just punch the dirt off.

 

[callmesenorita]

Honestly the only reason I've even been eating is because my parents have been forcing me to. Would have been dead a long time ago if not for them

 

[rata1]

i think it is similar to the way i am feeling day by day. i feel like i have faught my whole fuckin life....for nothing. when i read you writing "figthing and fighting...until...." it feels like my own life. same thing with every day tasks like showering and so on..... no strength to do it even if it is very useful... just resignation... i wish could give you some motivation, it's just... i don't know what could help. it helps me a bit that someone is experiencing the same feelings than i do.....
wihs you the best and the rigth decision! and i won't say "kopf hoch" 1000 of people said this to me and at the 500 time i just wanted to beat them in the face....

 

[the_final_countdown]

Same way. I feel the same way.

day after day.

Anxiety like I never experienced. And it never stops. I wish it stopped. I can't take this.