Rounded Apathy
Longing to return to stardust
- Aug 8, 2022
- 772
Besides the total unaffordability of renting my own place, a reason I've been choosing to live with people was having even decent company has historically been beneficial to my wellbeing. But things seems to be changing both internally and externally. Two of my three flat mates basically stay in their rooms all the time; one of them is the type who only really talks at people instead of to them, and it's just become a pain when they're around. The other is barely talks and is so f'king touchy and bitchy about the temperature in the house - my room is tiny and uncomfortable so I'm often downstairs where it's quite cool, as the damn AC just runs constantly, draining power, money, ad the planet's life. So sometimes I turn it up one single degree for short periods of time. Well, I've had to stop because they would regularly and randomly come downstairs to look at the stat and whenever it wasn't where they alone want it set, they would get all god damn huffy about it instead of just turning it back up.
Something about it probably reminds me of my stupid parental traum because I cannot deal with that f'king energy and loathe feeling unsafe in my house (though I don't actually think I am). This kind of stress exacerbates my digestive problems which I already agonize over daily when things are fine given worst case scenario, a bad time on the toiled means I could end up with an internal slow healing wound that is debilitatingly painful.
My third housemate is okay socially, but often away for long periods of time, and when here is almost always in common space and uses it as if it were their own. We talk but don't have any kind of deep connection, which I don't have with anyone where I live/who I can see easily. I often dream about leaving but the catch is this place is, for this city, fairly nice and affordable. I just logged into a rental unit service and other room shares are either dumps or prohibitively expensive. I didn't look long or intensely because it's just so depressing - I don't even want to be living in this city. These people are making me want to live less instead of more. It's like living alone but with other people who randomly show up and get in the way of me using the space like I'd want to. The bigmouth is also allergic to animals so I can't foster or adopt a cat which I really think would help me hate being alive as much. Fuckkng fuck.
Something about it probably reminds me of my stupid parental traum because I cannot deal with that f'king energy and loathe feeling unsafe in my house (though I don't actually think I am). This kind of stress exacerbates my digestive problems which I already agonize over daily when things are fine given worst case scenario, a bad time on the toiled means I could end up with an internal slow healing wound that is debilitatingly painful.
My third housemate is okay socially, but often away for long periods of time, and when here is almost always in common space and uses it as if it were their own. We talk but don't have any kind of deep connection, which I don't have with anyone where I live/who I can see easily. I often dream about leaving but the catch is this place is, for this city, fairly nice and affordable. I just logged into a rental unit service and other room shares are either dumps or prohibitively expensive. I didn't look long or intensely because it's just so depressing - I don't even want to be living in this city. These people are making me want to live less instead of more. It's like living alone but with other people who randomly show up and get in the way of me using the space like I'd want to. The bigmouth is also allergic to animals so I can't foster or adopt a cat which I really think would help me hate being alive as much. Fuckkng fuck.
