Venting hospitalization, tired of everything and everyone.

[chlorine]

I'm new to this site, I've used it as a resource a while ago but this is my first post. So I'll just vent here. I've been hospitalized for about a week, and I don't know how long I'll have to stay here this time, since it happened about a month ago too. They're about to transfer me from emergency unit to psych ward and I have no clue how that will look like, even since I'm 17 and minors can't be in psych unit in my country, but they'll do it anyway. I still want to die. I don't always want to kill myself, but I want to disappear. Just be gone. Forever. I tried to cut my veins a week ago. It wasn't planned out well, especially since I had no energy to do so. I just had this video in my mind, this video looping. It was about me entering my dark bathroom, letting only my phone to light up the room. So it was night, I would wait until I was sure everyone was asleep, then go into the bathtub with a t-shirt and some shorts. I would let warm water fill the tub. I would then take my three scalpels I bought in the pharmacy and put them beside me. Look at my arm for a while and then starting to draw my veins with the scalpel, starting from my wrist up to the beginning of my forearm. I would then proceed to do the same to my other arm. I would then wait and let myself bleed to sleep. Unfortunately that video was a very bad and stupid plan. Last week I tried to act upon that video, and I ended up being found by my now screaming mother and dissociating until I found my self hospitalized. I clearly am so stupid that I am not able to end my life.

A month ago was different. Last month there was no video looping. I was just tired, tired of existing in this mortal and futile meat bag. So I just had that impulse, I thought, maybe if I take enough aspirin I'll be able to die with little effort. So I went to the pharmacy and bought 100 pills of 500mg aspirin. Then I was home alone. I stared at the pills for a while, I then grabbed a whiskey bottle and started taking the pills. The first 10 went down easy with gulps of alcohol, then I proceeded till I took about 40 pills. I was afraid of my mother coming back home, so I went out. I went in a small dark street near the centre of the city I live in. I sat there for a while. I took 10 ibuprofen pills. Drank some water. Took about 5 more aspirin pills. I started to get dizzy and nauseated, and I couldn't possibly answer the numerous calls from my mother and sister, who were looking for me. But I did, I wanted to hear them one last time. I told them I would be home soon, though they did not know I didn't mean it literally. After a while I felt my heart pounding out of my chest, and I started to get scared, started to think that my plan was a bad plan and that I'd just be found unconscious in that street but still alive with my liver destroyed. So I stopped taking the pills. I took courage and called a suicide line, who then talked me into letting them call the ambulance. I was then hospitalized for three days with no major physical complications. My psychiatrist prescribed me an antidepressant and an antipsychotic, but after a month, here I am again, worse than last time, having breakdowns nearly everyday and being paranoid towards everyone. I don't know what to think of myself, I'm just tired. Hope someone will relate.

 

[whatever1111]

sorry for the state you're in. maybe try slowing down, to see what you're dealing with. Sounds as if you're acting based on your emotions, and as if you're not sure what exactly is the root of your problem. maybe it is solvable? I mean, maybe this crisis can be a trigger for changing your situation? anyhow, I would suggest not deciding to ctb until you see what is behind all this. best of luck to you

 

[chlorine]

sorry for the state you're in. maybe try slowing down, to see what you're dealing with. Sounds as if you're acting based on your emotions, and as if you're not sure what exactly is the root of your problem. maybe it is solvable? I mean, maybe this crisis can be a trigger for changing your situation? anyhow, I would suggest not deciding to ctb until you see what is behind all this. best of luck to you

Thaks for replying. You may be right, the thing is I'm constantly suicidal and I kinda came to the conclusion that it's just how I've learned to react to things. Something good happens, fine,maybe I get to live a little more. Something bad happens, I Need to die. I don't see the point in suffering when I could just be gone. I think that happiness, at least for me, is just something that leads to more pain. Maybe you're right though, but I feel like it's just the way I am wired. I just see the bad and I don't really care if I live or die, maybe I'll try drugs when I'm out, maybe I can escape from myself that way

 

[whatever1111]

Thaks for replying. You may be right, the thing is I'm constantly suicidal and I kinda came to the conclusion that it's just how I've learned to react to things. Something good happens, fine,maybe I get to live a little more. Something bad happens, I Need to die. I don't see the point in suffering when I could just be gone. I think that happiness, at least for me, is just something that leads to more pain. Maybe you're right though, but I feel like it's just the way I am wired. I just see the bad and I don't really care if I live or die, maybe I'll try drugs when I'm out, maybe I can escape from myself that way

I think you should find out who you are, and then see what is in store for you. from what you said, I dont get the impression your hypotethical ctb would be rational in any way, of course its your life and your decision, Im just sharing how i see it. maybe a good therapist and reading some psychology could give you a better perspective on your future prospects and chances. for example, maybe the bad stuff that happens to you was in a way unconsciously done, to some extent, by yourself, and you could maybe change the pattern. if you havent messed up your life to a point of no return, I advise fighting for yourself. at least thats how I think - Im suicidal because i dont think i will ever be able to change my psyche, and i messed up my life to a point where there is zero hope and joy in my life

 

[chlorine]

I think you should find out who you are, and then see what is in store for you. from what you said, I dont get the impression your hypotethical ctb would be rational in any way, of course its your life and your decision, Im just sharing how i see it. maybe a good therapist and reading some psychology could give you a better perspective on your future prospects and chances. for example, maybe the bad stuff that happens to you was in a way unconsciously done, to some extent, by yourself, and you could maybe change the pattern. if you havent messed up your life to a point of no return, I advise fighting for yourself. at least thats how I think - Im suicidal because i dont think i will ever be able to change my psyche, and i messed up my life to a point where there is zero hope and joy in my life

Yes I think I know what you mean, and you're probably Right. But I don't think my problems are unsolvable, I just think I will keep creating them myself, because I acknowledge the toxic behaviors I have but I can't seem to change them, I've always been a certain way that is messed up. I do not have an official diagnosis since I've started seeing a psychiatrist + psychologist +educator(?) for only a few months, but they say i probably have mdd, maybe bipolar 2 and probably BPD which I do not think can be cured or that I even want to cure it since it's practicaly my whole personality.. Though I still want to disappear for now I would like to wait at least a few years and see if I can live with myself, but thinking about it makes me sick,and my problem is I find it really hard to control myself and my suicidality.. Anyway thanks for taking the time to reply, hope you'll get better too, with whatever way you will choose to do so :)

 

[whatever1111]

Yes I think I know what you mean, and you're probably Right. But I don't think my problems are unsolvable, I just think I will keep creating them myself, because I acknowledge the toxic behaviors I have but I can't seem to change them, I've always been a certain way that is messed up. I do not have an official diagnosis since I've started seeing a psychiatrist + psychologist +educator(?) for only a few months, but they say i probably have mdd, maybe bipolar 2 and probably BPD which I do not think can be cured or that I even want to cure it since it's practicaly my whole personality.. Though I still want to disappear for now I would like to wait at least a few years and see if I can live with myself, but thinking about it makes me sick,and my problem is I find it really hard to control myself and my suicidality.. Anyway thanks for taking the time to reply, hope you'll get better too, with whatever way you will choose to do so :)

I can relate, I dont have a diagnosis but I think i have a personality disorder - probably a covert narcissist and some kind of masochist. and yeah, its fucked up, as if its a race between dr jackyl and hide, whether the person will learn to put a brake on her destructive patterns before its too late. tnx for your wishes, im cheering for you, i hope you do a better job than I did. (my advice would be to surround yourself with good people, someone you can look up to - at least, thats where i messed up badly)

 

[chlorine]

I can relate, I dont have a diagnosis but I think i have a personality disorder - probably a covert narcissist and some kind of masochist. and yeah, its fucked up, as if its a race between dr jackyl and hide, whether the person will learn to put a brake on her destructive patterns before its too late. tnx for your wishes, im cheering for you, i hope you do a better job than I did. (my advice would be to surround yourself with good people, someone you can look up to - at least, thats where i messed up badly)

Well, everyone bringing down narcissist, I say I'm sorry if you are one because I can see the issue with making people not want to be near you, plus if you are also a masochist that is even more problematic. With BPD it's a different process with the same outcome, you cling to people, you stalk and idealize people till you push them away. I imagine you may experience a similar outcome with a reversed process. I don't know if you have found your right people but I hope so, and I hope I will, even though I find it hard to believe. Thank you and you have my support too.

 

[whatever1111]

Im a covert, not a malignant, but yeah, fear of intimacy and no real self is always the problem. people see me as nice mostly, but Im not able to connect emotionally, since i mostly either use my idealized self, or am completely disfunctional (like now). a very rigid mechanism, a broken machine basically. of course, i have a lot of hidden anger and hostility, although i mostly direct it towards myself. i dont know much about BPD, will check it out. peace :)

 

[silentsinger]

Hi...first of all I want to say that I really feel for you, I wish I could say something useful. I can relate to the feeling of wanting to keep trying to end things. You have been through such a lot and I hope, if possible, you can give yourself a bit of a break. I know it doesn't always help but I was glad to read that you have family that care about you.
I'm glad you were able to create a first post, I was very nervous when I created mine. Just know that there are some incredibly supportive people here. We will respect you and be here no matter what. Sending you a lot of love.

 

[chlorine]

Hi...first of all I want to say that I really feel for you, I wish I could say something useful. I can relate to the feeling of wanting to keep trying to end things. You have been through such a lot and I hope, if possible, you can give yourself a bit of a break. I know it doesn't always help but I was glad to read that you have family that care about you.
I'm glad you were able to create a first post, I was very nervous when I created mine. Just know that there are some incredibly supportive people here. We will respect you and be here no matter what. Sending you a lot of love.

Hi to you too and thank you :)
And yes, I will have to give myself a break since I'll be admitted in an institution for about a month so yeah.. Anyway my family's a big mess so that doesn't help much unfortunately.. Hope things are or will turn out well for you too :)