Venting hoping horrible things would happen

[interna]

i understand im a bad person so please don't flame me or tell me "you don't actually want XYZ to happen", i know. thanks. trigger warning for mention of abuse and rape, i guess

do any of you also wish for bad things to happen to you or your loved ones as a means to finally get the push you need to catch the bus?
i find myself hoping family members or pets die, hoping i get abused again or that i get sexually assaulted, that i lose my belongings, that i get kicked out, that something just truly irreparably tragic happens to me so i can extinguish the last bit of hope i have and find the courage to kill myself. in a way, i envy those who have had these things happen to them, because they'd be way more justified in ending themselves than someone like me.

i struggle a lot with these thoughts because they're horrible. but i can't help it. i just wanna be done with it..

 

[Melancholys]

i understand im a bad person so please don't flame me or tell me "you don't actually want XYZ to happen", i know. thanks. trigger warning for mention of abuse and rape, i guess

do any of you also wish for bad things to happen to you or your loved ones as a means to finally get the push you need to catch the bus?
i find myself hoping family members or pets die, hoping i get abused again or that i get sexually assaulted, that i lose my belongings, that i get kicked out, that something just truly irreparably tragic happens to me so i can extinguish the last bit of hope i have and find the courage to kill myself. in a way, i envy those who have had these things happen to them, because they'd be way more justified in ending themselves than someone like me.

i struggle a lot with these thoughts because they're horrible. but i can't help it. i just wanna be done with it..

I can't say for wishing for things to happen to others but I definitely have wished for things to happen to myself. I think it's understandable to an extent as really your brain wants out but isn't able to rationalize it well probably or fully get over the SI and you're aware of it, that the SI is there, so it's trying to search for an out. Something to make that SI go away.

 

[aufrechtm7]

i understand im a bad person so please don't flame me or tell me "you don't actually want XYZ to happen", i know. thanks. trigger warning for mention of abuse and rape, i guess

do any of you also wish for bad things to happen to you or your loved ones as a means to finally get the push you need to catch the bus?
i find myself hoping family members or pets die, hoping i get abused again or that i get sexually assaulted, that i lose my belongings, that i get kicked out, that something just truly irreparably tragic happens to me so i can extinguish the last bit of hope i have and find the courage to kill myself. in a way, i envy those who have had these things happen to them, because they'd be way more justified in ending themselves than someone like me.

i struggle a lot with these thoughts because they're horrible. but i can't help it. i just wanna be done with it..

There are easier ways to possibly rid yourself of that hope that aren't harmful to others or self destructive, but it kind of hinges on how much empathy you have for others in my experience.

 

[ireallywasnttogopls]

Yes this is exactly how I feel

When you are on the edge , living is unbearably painful but you are too afraid to die, just want that final push to solidify ur feelings

 

[thelostautistic]

I don't wish for bad things to happen to me anymore but I used to about 5 years ago. I would drink a lot and wander the streets hoping something awful would happen to me because I had no regard or care for my safety. I feel like I deserved it. It's really scary to look back on that time. I'm very lucky and grateful that nothing did happen. Saying that though I still have intrusive thoughts about bad things happening to me and people I care about. It causes me a lot of anxiety and I don't like to leave the house because of it.

I do understand where you are coming from though. Just know that your pain is valid even if these things haven't happened to you

 

[ThroughTheLight]

You're definitely not alone. I always wish for bad things to happen to me, especially horrible traumas like sexual abuse. The main reason is so that I can feel miserable enough to not care about consequences and just try to ctb, but it would also make me feel more valid in being suicidal. I don't wish harm on people much anymore, but I definitely used to when I was even more miserable than I am now.

I don't think you're a bad person. Many "good people" would think similarly if they ended up with a severe mental illness. A lot of people just don't understand the depths of how bad depression can get.

 

[hurb]

i wouldnt say to extinguish the hope, the hope doesnt exist anymore. rather to give me the impulse necessary to end it

 

[claeasi]

i understand im a bad person so please don't flame me or tell me "you don't actually want XYZ to happen", i know. thanks. trigger warning for mention of abuse and rape, i guess

do any of you also wish for bad things to happen to you or your loved ones as a means to finally get the push you need to catch the bus?
i find myself hoping family members or pets die, hoping i get abused again or that i get sexually assaulted, that i lose my belongings, that i get kicked out, that something just truly irreparably tragic happens to me so i can extinguish the last bit of hope i have and find the courage to kill myself. in a way, i envy those who have had these things happen to them, because they'd be way more justified in ending themselves than someone like me.

i struggle a lot with these thoughts because they're horrible. but i can't help it. i just wanna be done with it..

I've thought about something bad happening to me and even wished for it... But what for, after all? Just to convince yourself that you really deserve to die?
I understand you perfectly, but in the end, almost everyone who doesn't understand the mind of someone who is suicidal will think we committed a horrible sin, whether there's a justification for it or not...
Your pain is no less because you haven't suffered "too much".

 

[yotaka]

Not sure if this is relevant, but I sometimes daydream about a catastrophic disaster occurring. A supervolcano or an asteroid or something like that, everyone leaping into the void together, nobody left to mourn. It's kind of beautiful in a way...

 

[hurb]

Not sure if this is relevant, but I sometimes daydream about a catastrophic disaster occurring. A supervolcano or an asteroid or something like that, everyone leaping into the void together, nobody left to mourn. It's kind of beautiful in a way...

yeah , if everyone is miserable then no one rly is because now its the new status quo. I would find so much solace in finding everyone around me hopeless and as miserable as me.