I
inpursuitofpeace
Member
- Jan 4, 2023
- 52
Hey everyone. I might try to ctb yet tonight. It probably won't work and likely won't be too serious because I don't have the supplies I need to make it effective. But I might try anyway. I'm angry that people restrict so many products that we need to get to ctb peacefully. I want to have control over my death. I want to end it on my terms. But I don't have the darn supplies yet because of the restricted access. I'm mad about it (I don't know if we're allowed to swear in this group so I'm taking precautions but just know that in my head I'm swearing an enormous amount because I'm so frustrated). I feel like there's nothing good left in this world. I'm close-ish to graduating but it feels so fake because I don't feel competent enough to be successful to graduate. On paper I have most of the required classes, but in real life, I feel so unprepared & stupid. The healthcare system is an utter mess. I can't get the help I need outpatient. So then people try to recommend higher levels of care but those are traumatizing AF and unlikely to be helpful in my experience. Like none of my providers can meet with me regularly. They're all like "take care". Oh cool, so how am I supposed to do that when I can't get the help I need???? So angry with the healthcare system. My professors at school are SO unprepared that they don't even know what to lecture on about class, have nothing graded for the entire first month of school, or they're so overly perfectionistic that nothing, absolutely nothing is good enough for them (and I'm perfectionistic myself). Anyway, I'm back and forth of if I want to try to attempt tonight. It probably won't work, but maybe I'll find relief for a little while. I didn't want to potentially die all alone, so I wanted to put it out there and hope that someone understands where I'm coming from. I've scheduled it for a day when someone should be coming over tomorrow so that if I die, someone will notice to take care of my dog, but it's a long enough period to where if this works, I will have time to die uninterrupted. I just hate that everything is so dark. My life is completely miserable and feels utterly useless. I know this is the suicide page, but if someone wants to write like some type of positive statement for me, I'm open to that. I don't want it to be like "you have so many reasons to live" but like maybe a "I hope things get better for you and you can get the help you actually need" kind of thing. Also since this is the suicide page, well, I'm cool with that too since y'all are my peeps and actually understand what being highly suicidal is like. I just kinda need to vent and yanno, ctb. I don't know if it'll actually happen, but I want it to. Thanks for reading, kind internet people.