I'm not really sure how to go about writing this or if anyone will read this or care. It's my first post, nobody here knows me and I am speaking to total strangers but... this place seems to have a lot of empathy so here it goes...
My problems started when I was very young, when I was 7 I was sexually abused/raped by my older brother and his friend, I don't want to trigger anyone so I will just say that they forced me to participate in sexual acts and continued to sexually assault me over a period of a few months until my family moved out of that neighborhood. My brother left me alone after that, I am not sure really why but I guess it doesn't matter.
I grew up in a Jehovah's Witness household, so coming forward and telling wasn't a good option for me. JW's force you to face your abuser in person and then church elders make a decision which often involves punishing the victim with shunning. I also felt like nobody would believe me anyways so I kept my mouth shut and buried my shame, grief and rage.
It stayed buried my entire life and through the years I suffered more significant losses. Another one of my brothers was killed in a car accident when I was 15, at 25 my best friend died by suicide, I lost all of my grandparents. I struggled a lot with depression and grief because of all of this.
But in my late 20's I met someone and she changed my life, before her all of my relationships were toxic and I would let women use me for sex. I longed for a meaningful, romantic relationship but that never materialized until I met this person.
For the first little while things were great, I finally felt happy... but that changed quickly. The emotional abuse happened immediately, I didn't notice it at first, its scary how fast a narcissist can trap you. I probably should have walked away immediately but this was the first real relationship I had ever been in so I made sacrifices to hold on to it, put up blinders, held on and let her abuse me over and over again, we got married three years in, about a year after that things got even more unbearable. She would use sex to control me, manipulate me, childhood abuse I guess, I craved sex and would try to get it anyway I could. So she used it against me and if I didnt perform the way she wanted she would punish me, make me sleep in a seperate room or threaten our marriage.
About a year after we were married she started cheating on me, spring of that year my dad was diagnosed with stage 2 bladder cancer. I was still heavily controlled by my ex so I tried desperately to save our marriage and at the same time I was helping take care of my dad. Not long after his diagnosis (about a week) he had his surgery. Sadly the cancer returned immediately.
That summer I attended a music festival with my partner, she got a ticket for free through her work and access backstage (the guy she was cheating on me with got it for her) she insisted that I come along and that she would get me backstage. But when I got there she said that she couldnt get me backstage afterall and to just meet her after. Then right after she tells me this my brother (abuser) calls me and tells me that my dads cancer is terminal and that all the doctors can do is prolong his life. I tried to call my ex, she wouldn't pick up her phone, I texted her and got through but she wouldn't leave the backstage area... so I ended up leaving the festival and drove home alone. In fall of that year my ex left me, my dad died 6 weeks after she left.
All of these wounds are so overwhelming and I feel like its impossible for me to ever recover. O went through therapy, (on my 4th therapist) I am trying different antidepressants but nothing works, I have amazing friends who are empathetic and supportive, I crawled my way out of that hole physically. I bought a nice condo, own a car, have a great career with good benefits and went back to school to pursue another career that I am really passionate about (web design) and am doing well in post secondary.
But inside I am bleeding out, none of that does anything to alleviate my pain, I have too many wounds, I want to heal, I want to be happy but I just cant manage so I just want to sleep forever, never have to wake up. I tried really hard but I just can't do this anymore.
My problems started when I was very young, when I was 7 I was sexually abused/raped by my older brother and his friend, I don't want to trigger anyone so I will just say that they forced me to participate in sexual acts and continued to sexually assault me over a period of a few months until my family moved out of that neighborhood. My brother left me alone after that, I am not sure really why but I guess it doesn't matter.
I grew up in a Jehovah's Witness household, so coming forward and telling wasn't a good option for me. JW's force you to face your abuser in person and then church elders make a decision which often involves punishing the victim with shunning. I also felt like nobody would believe me anyways so I kept my mouth shut and buried my shame, grief and rage.
It stayed buried my entire life and through the years I suffered more significant losses. Another one of my brothers was killed in a car accident when I was 15, at 25 my best friend died by suicide, I lost all of my grandparents. I struggled a lot with depression and grief because of all of this.
But in my late 20's I met someone and she changed my life, before her all of my relationships were toxic and I would let women use me for sex. I longed for a meaningful, romantic relationship but that never materialized until I met this person.
For the first little while things were great, I finally felt happy... but that changed quickly. The emotional abuse happened immediately, I didn't notice it at first, its scary how fast a narcissist can trap you. I probably should have walked away immediately but this was the first real relationship I had ever been in so I made sacrifices to hold on to it, put up blinders, held on and let her abuse me over and over again, we got married three years in, about a year after that things got even more unbearable. She would use sex to control me, manipulate me, childhood abuse I guess, I craved sex and would try to get it anyway I could. So she used it against me and if I didnt perform the way she wanted she would punish me, make me sleep in a seperate room or threaten our marriage.
About a year after we were married she started cheating on me, spring of that year my dad was diagnosed with stage 2 bladder cancer. I was still heavily controlled by my ex so I tried desperately to save our marriage and at the same time I was helping take care of my dad. Not long after his diagnosis (about a week) he had his surgery. Sadly the cancer returned immediately.
That summer I attended a music festival with my partner, she got a ticket for free through her work and access backstage (the guy she was cheating on me with got it for her) she insisted that I come along and that she would get me backstage. But when I got there she said that she couldnt get me backstage afterall and to just meet her after. Then right after she tells me this my brother (abuser) calls me and tells me that my dads cancer is terminal and that all the doctors can do is prolong his life. I tried to call my ex, she wouldn't pick up her phone, I texted her and got through but she wouldn't leave the backstage area... so I ended up leaving the festival and drove home alone. In fall of that year my ex left me, my dad died 6 weeks after she left.
All of these wounds are so overwhelming and I feel like its impossible for me to ever recover. O went through therapy, (on my 4th therapist) I am trying different antidepressants but nothing works, I have amazing friends who are empathetic and supportive, I crawled my way out of that hole physically. I bought a nice condo, own a car, have a great career with good benefits and went back to school to pursue another career that I am really passionate about (web design) and am doing well in post secondary.
But inside I am bleeding out, none of that does anything to alleviate my pain, I have too many wounds, I want to heal, I want to be happy but I just cant manage so I just want to sleep forever, never have to wake up. I tried really hard but I just can't do this anymore.
