Sarros
Student
- Sep 2, 2021
- 101
Recently I've started to take some steps to improve or change my life. I don't really know where it came from and how it started. I suspect I might have to do with all the exercise I started doing must be changing my brain dramatically. Which itself began as some random goal, that one day I had decided, after missing my CTB date, that I would try to get in as best shape as I can. Since, unlike everything else, I had control over my body, maybe I could tell myself I accomplished something when I CTB. And maybe also as a statement. Something like, "This is what I'm capable of on my own, I could have so much more if other people would give me a chance or cared at all."
The biggest thing holding me back was always fear of getting rejected. Couldn't apply for jobs, ask women out. At one point I had just completely given up on both things that I would consider to make life livable. But a couple months ago I asked my coworker out. She said yes and I was over the moon about having my first (real) date ever at 25. My heart beating out of its chest, almost having a panic attack at the end of my shift.
When I tried asking her for a second date she gave me the "It's not you, it's me". And normally I would've rolled my eyes but she was seriously a mess so I understood her situation. Crushed, but I have to move on.
Now today I went in for a job interview, my 2nd one in almost 2 years. The job was completely worthless, Shit hours, couldn't even do it on the side of my current gig. Feeling dejected, I confessed to my new DM in what would be our ongoing Dungeons & Dragons sessions I had signed up for a week prior hoping maybe my luck would turn around. I also had this grand delusion that she would say yes, eventually I move in with her and we live happily ever after. Instead I find out she's a lesbian, she would still be ok to hang out as friends. And I cried for the first time in months.
All this to say, why did I even bother making the effort? Unless everything went absolutely perfectly, I still would've ended up CTB'ing anyway. I do not have the courage to live a less than 'perfect' life. So all I've ended up doing in the past few months, ask women out, make new friends in fun new hobbies, I've just been expanding the circle of people I am going to hurt when I leave. I could've just been a good little boy, Lifting weights after work, crying himself to sleep and waiting for his meto in the mail and he wouldn't have to have hurt any more people than he was already going to.
Oh well, at least the exercise as been going well. I think before I CTB I can include some before and after pictures in my goodbye thread if anyone is interested. I don't have a date set, mostly just waiting for some kind of financial doomsday like the rent going up or my mom retiring. Or if I can manage to get my six pack before that.
The biggest thing holding me back was always fear of getting rejected. Couldn't apply for jobs, ask women out. At one point I had just completely given up on both things that I would consider to make life livable. But a couple months ago I asked my coworker out. She said yes and I was over the moon about having my first (real) date ever at 25. My heart beating out of its chest, almost having a panic attack at the end of my shift.
When I tried asking her for a second date she gave me the "It's not you, it's me". And normally I would've rolled my eyes but she was seriously a mess so I understood her situation. Crushed, but I have to move on.
Now today I went in for a job interview, my 2nd one in almost 2 years. The job was completely worthless, Shit hours, couldn't even do it on the side of my current gig. Feeling dejected, I confessed to my new DM in what would be our ongoing Dungeons & Dragons sessions I had signed up for a week prior hoping maybe my luck would turn around. I also had this grand delusion that she would say yes, eventually I move in with her and we live happily ever after. Instead I find out she's a lesbian, she would still be ok to hang out as friends. And I cried for the first time in months.
All this to say, why did I even bother making the effort? Unless everything went absolutely perfectly, I still would've ended up CTB'ing anyway. I do not have the courage to live a less than 'perfect' life. So all I've ended up doing in the past few months, ask women out, make new friends in fun new hobbies, I've just been expanding the circle of people I am going to hurt when I leave. I could've just been a good little boy, Lifting weights after work, crying himself to sleep and waiting for his meto in the mail and he wouldn't have to have hurt any more people than he was already going to.
Oh well, at least the exercise as been going well. I think before I CTB I can include some before and after pictures in my goodbye thread if anyone is interested. I don't have a date set, mostly just waiting for some kind of financial doomsday like the rent going up or my mom retiring. Or if I can manage to get my six pack before that.
