Discussion “Honestly, I’m fine.”

[Acopia]

I'm not actively suicidal at present, but more passively suicidal with the odd sprinkle of activity throughout the day.
Some of my recent behaviours (distancing, not being too chatty) have caused people around me to worry about me.
The thing is, they keep asking me if I'm alright, and of course I tell them I'm fine.. but I honestly am.

Most of my day is spent thinking through ctb options, formulating plans as to how I'd like to tie my life up before I go. I self harm, MH services have washed their hands.. yadda yadda.
I've honestly made my peace with it all, and I am totally fine. I don't think I'm depressed, I actually suspect I'm past depression and now in a state of calm resignation. Whatever happens, happens. When the time comes for me to go, I'll go quietly and with minimal fuss. I don't think it'll be soon anyway.
I know that when they're asking if I'm alright, that's not really what they want to know. But it's what they're asking, so I answer honestly.

I've made my peace. Honestly, I'm fine.

Does anyone else get like this?
It's a strange feeling.
Suicidal, but totally fine about it.

Love + peace,
Acopia

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I understand this to a point. I've come to terms with it on my own, but I have to keep living (for the time being, at least) for others. So my depression stays with me. I've accepted my way out, and I'd like to embrace it fully, but its impact on select others keeps me from going all in.

So, in actuality, when I respond (multiple times each day) "Honestly, I'm fine," I'm not really being honest at all.

 

[Acopia]

I understand this to a point. I've come to terms with it on my own, but I have to keep living (for the time being, at least) for others. So my depression stays with me. I've accepted my way out, and I'd like to embrace it fully, but its impact on select others keeps me from going all in.

So, in actuality, when I respond (multiple times each day) "Honestly, I'm fine," I'm not really being honest at all.

I totally understand, living for others, yeah I get that. Kudos to you for having the strength!
I suppose, in comparison to the average person.. I'm not fine.
But then again I feel fine, I've just accepted that it is what it is.
It's kind of hard to explain feelings really though right?
-A.

 

[Deathwish1968]

I think I have reached a point past the pain - I mostly feel numb, because I expect there to be pain and I don't want to react to it. I wish I could ctb , but due to family , I can't - though I think if it everyday.
but sometimes the pain is so sharp and overwhelming, I wish I was dead.