Honestly don't know what's happening to me

[Inferdan]

I don't know much anymore. I've been spiraling down for quite some time now, and everything has just been hurting more and more as time has gone on. The contractions on the left side of my head spreading across the side of my face, the confusion and feelings intensifying, and actually losing meaning of, well, everything.
Then one day, I'm sitting in class, trying my best to stay awake and pay attention, when I feel something snap in my head, and suddenly I'm awake, and the depression was gone. The stress was still there, and the head pains, but I wasn't feeling as horrible as before.
I'm going around, talking to friends, doing life, and it wasn't bad for once. Not good, either, but it didn't require much drive. I thought I was good...for good.
This went on for around a week when I felt the chill mood waver. I quickly dismissed it, thinking it was nothing but a passing pang of annoyance. Then, it gradually got worse. I felt horrible for more days of the week, and my thoughts were a bit darker than they were before. Thinking it was because I was still visiting this forum, I stopped coming here, thinking that it would help.
It kept getting worse and worse, my work dropping, and my mood low. The stress and anxiety was spiking, so much so that I've started shaking my head randomly and saying no whenever I have a stressful thought. There are moments when I don't feel like being around my friends, and others when I don't know how to act. I don't pay much attention to many things, and just nod and agree with what others say.
And now, I'm lost. It's worse than ever before. Anything I think counteracts itself with an opposing thought, and conversations play by themselves in my head. I feel hollow, yet I can still feel. I can think well, yet my mind is a mess. Maybe it's real, maybe its not. Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe I'm just overthinking it. Mathe everything is fine, just a phase, like everyone says. Death seems nice, yet it isn't. Everything has duality in it. It is good and bad. Fuck, I sound crazy. I'm considering going to therapy again, but i already know what will happen. I've been there countless of times. Maybe i could try something else. Maybe I shouldn't. I don't know what's good for me anymore. I don't know much more but to play along. Keep pretending and pretending as I always have done. I feel like i should say something to end this, but idk what would be adequate, so I'll just stop now, before I go on and make myself look worse upstairs than I probably am right now.

 

[Soul]

@Inferdan, I'm sorry you're struggling. Have you had a physical check-up recently? A lot of what you're describing seems to involve physical feelings, so it could help to check out possible physical causes. Either way, there are probably different kinds of therapy you can try — different than the kinds you've already tried, I mean. Different meds, different approaches to talk therapy, microdosing — there are lots of possibilities.

 

[SimplyTopHat]

I don't know much anymore. I've been spiraling down for quite some time now, and everything has just been hurting more and more as time has gone on. The contractions on the left side of my head spreading across the side of my face, the confusion and feelings intensifying, and actually losing meaning of, well, everything.
Then one day, I'm sitting in class, trying my best to stay awake and pay attention, when I feel something snap in my head, and suddenly I'm awake, and the depression was gone. The stress was still there, and the head pains, but I wasn't feeling as horrible as before.
I'm going around, talking to friends, doing life, and it wasn't bad for once. Not good, either, but it didn't require much drive. I thought I was good...for good.
This went on for around a week when I felt the chill mood waver. I quickly dismissed it, thinking it was nothing but a passing pang of annoyance. Then, it gradually got worse. I felt horrible for more days of the week, and my thoughts were a bit darker than they were before. Thinking it was because I was still visiting this forum, I stopped coming here, thinking that it would help.
It kept getting worse and worse, my work dropping, and my mood low. The stress and anxiety was spiking, so much so that I've started shaking my head randomly and saying no whenever I have a stressful thought. There are moments when I don't feel like being around my friends, and others when I don't know how to act. I don't pay much attention to many things, and just nod and agree with what others say.
And now, I'm lost. It's worse than ever before. Anything I think counteracts itself with an opposing thought, and conversations play by themselves in my head. I feel hollow, yet I can still feel. I can think well, yet my mind is a mess. Maybe it's real, maybe its not. Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe I'm just overthinking it. Mathe everything is fine, just a phase, like everyone says. Death seems nice, yet it isn't. Everything has duality in it. It is good and bad. Fuck, I sound crazy. I'm considering going to therapy again, but i already know what will happen. I've been there countless of times. Maybe i could try something else. Maybe I shouldn't. I don't know what's good for me anymore. I don't know much more but to play along. Keep pretending and pretending as I always have done. I feel like i should say something to end this, but idk what would be adequate, so I'll just stop now, before I go on and make myself look worse upstairs than I probably am right now.

Oh, it sounds like you're going through an awful lot mentally, &I can't imagine how much pain you're feeling. Though I've had glimpses of "[t]he stress and anxiety was spiking, so much so that I've started shaking my head randomly and saying no whenever I have a stressful thought[,]" too. Depending on what you're seeing or thinking, it's does make you feel like you're going crazy. Sometimes I have to shake off thought of walking into traffic when I'm waiting to cross the road, or having to close my eyes when I wait for a subway, else I imagine myself stepping in its path, or my mind tries to shift back to past traumas and I physically have to shake away the thought.

I can't imagine how it must feel for you, but I want you to know that you're not alone. You know best what works for you, only you can find the best way to find peace/heal. If searching for a therapist is something you're thinking about, then maybe it's time to explore a little &see if you can find the one that can help you feel better. I'm rooting for you.

 

[Largeletters]

I know how you feel. I'm sorry you're going through this pain. Thinking you're good, for good, and then not being, that sucks.

 

[Jean4]

@Inferdan, I'm sorry you're struggling. Have you had a physical check-up recently? A lot of what you're describing seems to involve physical feelings, so it could help to check out possible physical causes. Either way, there are probably different kinds of therapy you can try — different than the kinds you've already tried, I mean. Different meds, different approaches to talk therapy, microdosing — there are lots of possibilities.

Good answer @Soul and I concur. Have you spoken to a doctor?

We understand the stress you are under and we are here if you want to talk

 

[Inferdan]

@Inferdan, I'm sorry you're struggling. Have you had a physical check-up recently? A lot of what you're describing seems to involve physical feelings, so it could help to check out possible physical causes. Either way, there are probably different kinds of therapy you can try — different than the kinds you've already tried, I mean. Different meds, different approaches to talk therapy, microdosing — there are lots of possibilities.

I'm willing to try anything, so that seems like a good place to start. I'll see if I can get one soon. In my opinion, these are all just side things, not the main cause, but I don't know, maybe they are.

Oh, it sounds like you're going through an awful lot mentally, &I can't imagine how much pain you're feeling. Though I've had glimpses of "[t]he stress and anxiety was spiking, so much so that I've started shaking my head randomly and saying no whenever I have a stressful thought[,]" too. Depending on what you're seeing or thinking, it's does make you feel like you're going crazy. Sometimes I have to shake off thought of walking into traffic when I'm waiting to cross the road, or having to close my eyes when I wait for a subway, else I imagine myself stepping in its path, or my mind tries to shift back to past traumas and I physically have to shake away the thought.

I can't imagine how it must feel for you, but I want you to know that you're not alone. You know best what works for you, only you can find the best way to find peace/heal. If searching for a therapist is something you're thinking about, then maybe it's time to explore a little &see if you can find the one that can help you feel better. I'm rooting for you.

Thank you, what you say really means a lot to me. It's getting harder to fight, but I'll keep going, and at least try to win this. I don't feel like I can make promises, but you have my word that i won't stop until I make or break.

I know how you feel. I'm sorry you're going through this pain. Thinking you're good, for good, and then not being, that sucks.

It was quite discouraging I'll say that. But after everyone here said what they had to say, i think I can keep going, at least for now. I guess this is why I stuck around. I'm sorry you went through that too, friend, sad to see others going through the same thing. You have my support an wishes that things go your way .

 

[SimplyTopHat]

Thank you, what you say really means a lot to me. It's getting harder to fight, but I'll keep going, and at least try to win this. I don't feel like I can make promises, but you have my word that i won't stop until I make or break.

All anyone can ask is that you do the best you can &if you need to take a break, take 5 and get back up when you're ready. &if you're too tired and you don't want to fight anymore, that's okay too. As long as it's your choice.