HONEST ADVICE (TW pretty much all of them, not kidding; is MY recovery even possible?

[duhsayuhdeeohsuh]

PLEASE READ EVERYTHING, thoroughly. usually on the s*icide part, wanna see the recovery section. need honest advice/opinions. things go from bad to worse, but then hopeful again (?)

so,

life has been THE worst it has ever been for the past 19 days. STILL HERE. but bear with me.

get $40 on Monday i had to shake down from my shitty ex best friend who just left me for dead on her doorstep a week ago. she will be paying me the $700 she owes by November 9th or so.

i get paid my $1343 in SSDI on November 3rd and can get myself a room for rent to get out of this place where there are roaches and i almost got sexually assaulted in my sleep. have been so itchy and sleepless for days now in this locked room (locked cause unsafe area but also the creep who tried to do whatever) though.

i also have a 70% success chance at a lawsuit against two major providers in my town who tried to have me literally die to avoid me suing. everything is documented and i could win thousands and thousands and thousands.

get myself a house/new start somewhere different.

i could get justice from my stalker/former narc abuser by outing him once more in the video i already plan to make about my other 3 abusers (2 of them r*pists, one of the r*pists being my first one aka my same age male cousin from age 5-14. having a restraining order and living well would be the best revenge. everyone who needs justice can get it legally or vigalante. have that capability.

however, abusive family, with mom who is
stalking me to continue to emotionally abuse/gaslight me all while insisting to others I'M the crazy one in past 19 days. all my ex friends who hate ME and hurt me horrendously. agencies etc all don't care if i live or die and would prefer me dead so i don't sue. so much trauma up the ass to heal, which could maybe happen, but again i'm LITERALLY batsh*t crazy from abuse (CPTSD, BPD, psychosis/hearing voices). and have no one that loves me and love is the point for me to be alive. just my bf and maybe one guy i used to talk to for 2 months who doesn't want me to off myself. he's 29, stable, very cute and could possibly be my friend/sexual interest. however MY BF:

my bf has known me for a month and already become codependent, doesn't accept "no"/boundaries, and will not let
me go/might kill himself (or worse) if i try to distance myself/leave/stop answering him. he is being abused so bad, worse than ME. he is also sick and not medicated properly. i AM in love him, told him we both need to heal though and he needs to become more mature and stable but i wouldn't leave his life ever. if he ends up hating me or worse which very possible, i might just try to off myself in the moment it happens. tried harder than i ever had with him than anyone else. stopped him from offing himself with a G*N, bought him $150+ outfit, spent all my time talking to him on the phone. (he's on house arrest and can't see me, though he's supposed to come live with me/find a place NEXT WEEK). he's my first bf at age 24 (he's 20, told him i didn't date younger or people from the psych ward typically).

i feel like everyone hates me and my PTSD/suicidal thoughts are so bad. but most places will NOT accept me or get me help. but SOMEONE aka my old psychologist who adores me and is POWERFUL, would make them/have my back. might take me back as a client or help me find someone good like her.

i want to have a baby, a spouse, a house. help people is all i've ever done and wanted to do, can still do that, but look where it's gotten me.

i think i could have a shot at life if i don't take buy/take SN next week like i plan to. i don't wanna let my enemies/abusers win, but i am literally scared shitless, sleep deprived (it's 4:40 AM here and it's been maybe 12 hours/72+ hours of sleep, have an ED (when i'm obese, there's phyical evidence, but the STIGMA!! but then again when have i ever given a fuck about "stigma" tbh?) and am starving/binging/purging (very mixed), under psychological distress from almost being SA'd for the 5th time, my body/mind WANT to give out.

opinions needed/wanted by like minded people of SaSu: would if you were me, take on the journey of life or not? and if so, how would you do it? (second by second honestly, cause that's how it is sometimes/the best way to operate)

 

[timf]

With so much going on, it might be difficult to try to set a recovery path for yourself that won't be interrupted or diverted. It might help if you are able to compartmentalized your issues so that they don't bleed into each other and overwhelm you.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

My feeling is if things are tolerable and you're going to die one day anyway, you might as well see how the movie ends. I would keep pursuing the treatment/medication route, somewhere might take you in eventually and there's a chance you'll find some combination of things that'll work for you. That's definitely a journey, but probably one worth taking if you're struggling day to day.

It sounds like you have a lot going on. Keeping busy is good, but if your bf is only 20 and on house arrest already... yeah idk. I want to say in general try to steer clear of bad influences, but your partner choices are yours to make. Just please keep your eyes open. Save additional money where you can, live frugally, win whatever settlements you can. I tend to think they're a bit of a dreamer's thing, but if you say you have a good chance of winning then I believe you.

Be sensible, your future self will thank you. Good luck.

 

[Maudlin]

You really want honest advice?

As long as you've got a place to sleep until the 3rd, blow off everything and every body until that day comes. With that check, jump a greyhound to a small town in flyover country or Appalachia, where cost of living is cheap, the scenery is beautiful, and people are (mostly) friendly and honorable, and tolerant of non-violent craziness.

Then you find a shelter to crash in while you check out the newspapers, local maps and such to get the lay of the land. Talk to people. Somebody somewhere in places like that has an uncle or a cousin with a rental (likely with an actual yard) where you could turn yourself into a homebody for a year or two, get some pets, and acclimate yourself to a slow, quiet lifestyle.

There are still places in the US where a girl can still live quite comfy on $1300 a month, and from what I gathered from reading your prior posts it doesn't sound to me like you're in it.

Most country boys know big girls need lovin' too, and who knows? In a year or two you might just find the right one.

The hardest thing about starting over is just doing it. The same as when you decide to take the other route.
If you've got money coming, you can easily just catch that greyhound bus, instead.

If I were you, I would do it now... before winter sets in. You could be in a nice small house or trailer by January, in a town you can walk around safely in at any hour of the day or night. By the spring you'll be better off than anybody you now know.

 

[hungry_ghost]

Get in touch with that psychologist you mentioned.

Cut off contact with all negative influences in your life.

Leave the boyfriend and don't succumb to any of his threats to kill himself (that is manipulative behavior).

Honestly, if you're already considering sexual activity/friendship with another guy, you're clearly not that invested in him, anyway.

Keep your head down, stay safe, and push through until you get the SSI, and then go from there.

 

[SarRy]

Let the past remain dead. Nothing good comes from digging it back up. Focus on your future. Get into contact with the psychologist that helped you out before. They should be able to help you figure out how to take care of yourself. If you're already getting SSDI, then you've got more of a chance at living that a lot of people. Cut ties with everyone who brings negativity to your life. Your boyfriend sounds not so great, but your dependence on him isn't smart either. It's usually a two way street. You need to make sure you're stable before bringing someone into your life. Cut the rotten branches off your tree. Make the sacrifice to take care of yourself. Being alone is better than bad company.

You sound like you'll have the resources to take care of yourself. Hunker down and wait. Figure out what you can do. Forget about worrying about what you can't. Live your life. You can't live anyone else's. Set your goals and standards by what you are capable of. Be fair and realistic in your assessment of the situation. It's hard, but it's the only way.

Having been victimised is horrible. There's no other way to put it. Still, there is a huge difference between being a victim and having been a victim. You were strong enough to live through it all. Recognize your strength. Learn to meet the world without fear.

When you have the time and resources, rural living might be a good way to go. It can be very cheap to find a place to live in a small town. Plus, with fewer people around, there aren't as many people to do bad things. People can't get away with much when everyone knows who they are. In a small town, they can't hide in the crowd. Plus, having fewer people around means there are fewer disagreements. Disagreements only happen between people so, by the math, fewer people equals fewer problems.

I hope this helps. With all that being said, I hope you find peace.

 

[duhsayuhdeeohsuh]

Get in touch with that psychologist you mentioned.

Cut off contact with all negative influences in your life.

Leave the boyfriend and don't succumb to any of his threats to kill himself (that is manipulative behavior).

Honestly, if you're already considering sexual activity/friendship with another guy, you're clearly not that invested in him, anyway.

Keep your head down, stay safe, and push through until you get the SSI, and then go from there.

just saw these. tryna make a new post/comments but needs mod approval (never had this happen before) was locked in 2 inpatients. one kicked me out before 24 hours bc i have bpd and therefore was a "monster" the other was THE worst ever like 2 hours away from where i live and truly was a nightmare/hell on earth. literally fights 24/7 from men well over 6 ft who were "criminally insane". no one picked with me though, i did with them. i'm only 5'9 and dont look as much as i weight, but "crazy" knows crazier and knows i would've popped a cap in their ass :)

i done fucked up though. but um, bf became "fiance" now is at this moment nothing. past 5 days went horribly wrong. i'm worse off than before tbh. being stalked/have court/a restraining order on old narc abuser/r*pst (admitted some of what he did. horrible. ex fiance was upset cried for me cause he can relate and wanted to literally kill him or beat him severely) but um might be with errrr an addition. good n bad always come to all but feels especially to do so to me. usually bad. not a victim at all though! not the epitome of suffering either, but haven't caught a break yet/am sincerely worse off now. still kicking. tried to make another post. no wifi/good service here. might repost if i can find text. but more considering CTB right now. haven't slept or eaten much though, so will try to do that rn.

 

[duhsayuhdeeohsuh]

Let the past remain dead. Nothing good comes from digging it back up. Focus on your future. Get into contact with the psychologist that helped you out before. They should be able to help you figure out how to take care of yourself. If you're already getting SSDI, then you've got more of a chance at living that a lot of people. Cut ties with everyone who brings negativity to your life. Your boyfriend sounds not so great, but your dependence on him isn't smart either. It's usually a two way street. You need to make sure you're stable before bringing someone into your life. Cut the rotten branches off your tree. Make the sacrifice to take care of yourself. Being alone is better than bad company.

You sound like you'll have the resources to take care of yourself. Hunker down and wait. Figure out what you can do. Forget about worrying about what you can't. Live your life. You can't live anyone else's. Set your goals and standards by what you are capable of. Be fair and realistic in your assessment of the situation. It's hard, but it's the only way.

Having been victimised is horrible. There's no other way to put it. Still, there is a huge difference between being a victim and having been a victim. You were strong enough to live through it all. Recognize your strength. Learn to meet the world without fear.

When you have the time and resources, rural living might be a good way to go. It can be very cheap to find a place to live in a small town. Plus, with fewer people around, there aren't as many people to do bad things. People can't get away with much when everyone knows who they are. In a small town, they can't hide in the crowd. Plus, having fewer people around means there are fewer disagreements. Disagreements only happen between people so, by the math, fewer people equals fewer problems.

I hope this helps. With all that being said, I hope you find peace.

(TRIED TO UPDATE/MAKE POST ESPECIALLY UNDER SUI* BOARD BUT NEEDS APPROVAL FIRST/HOPEFULLY):

this was amazing. thank you so much. i didn't get this until today. been in the ERs/hospital again. (mostly physical pain) and am worse off than before sorta. i need to leave my state ASAP after the 13th of Dec. i would need a brand new start, plus more money/school, which could happen maybe, but now i might have an extra errr addition? hope not. but again, nobody at all now. maybe 1 "friend" who did me horrible before including recently almost let me pass out from hunger on her door step. she was stressed and has a kid, told her i could handle myself, but she did that and told me i have too many "episodes" on top of it. (i told her i was hungry??? she was making dinner i offered to buy some for myself and her and son too, didn't open, i didn't even scream, just called after 7 minutes (was cold out and again dizzy/deprived) barely audible from hunger/shock, and she had at me.

thinking Cali with my uncle. or the West in general. wanna BLAXit (exit US as blk person [half anyways]) to Costa Rica or somewhere like that.

With so much going on, it might be difficult to try to set a recovery path for yourself that won't be interrupted or diverted. It might help if you are able to compartmentalized your issues so that they don't bleed into each other and overwhelm you.

gotta journal more if i survive this!! used to love it and writing poetry in "members only" snobby haughty-taughty groups (laughed at the exclusion factor cause i could get in!!!)

My feeling is if things are tolerable and you're going to die one day anyway, you might as well see how the movie ends. I would keep pursuing the treatment/medication route, somewhere might take you in eventually and there's a chance you'll find some combination of things that'll work for you. That's definitely a journey, but probably one worth taking if you're struggling day to day.

It sounds like you have a lot going on. Keeping busy is good, but if your bf is only 20 and on house arrest already... yeah idk. I want to say in general try to steer clear of bad influences, but your partner choices are yours to make. Just please keep your eyes open. Save additional money where you can, live frugally, win whatever settlements you can. I tend to think they're a bit of a dreamer's thing, but if you say you have a good chance of winning then I believe you.

Be sensible, your future self will thank you. Good luck.

love this and will consider as well! playing catch up rn to comments but thank you everyone so much!!!

You really want honest advice?

As long as you've got a place to sleep until the 3rd, blow off everything and every body until that day comes. With that check, jump a greyhound to a small town in flyover country or Appalachia, where cost of living is cheap, the scenery is beautiful, and people are (mostly) friendly and honorable, and tolerant of non-violent craziness.

Then you find a shelter to crash in while you check out the newspapers, local maps and such to get the lay of the land. Talk to people. Somebody somewhere in places like that has an uncle or a cousin with a rental (likely with an actual yard) where you could turn yourself into a homebody for a year or two, get some pets, and acclimate yourself to a slow, quiet lifestyle.

There are still places in the US where a girl can still live quite comfy on $1300 a month, and from what I gathered from reading your prior posts it doesn't sound to me like you're in it.

Most country boys know big girls need lovin' too, and who knows? In a year or two you might just find the right one.

The hardest thing about starting over is just doing it. The same as when you decide to take the other route.
If you've got money coming, you can easily just catch that greyhound bus, instead.

If I were you, I would do it now... before winter sets in. You could be in a nice small house or trailer by January, in a town you can walk around safely in at any hour of the day or night. By the spring you'll be better off than anybody you now know.

outlandish, interesting, and has solid nuggets
in here!! thank you so much. will consider all said.

Get in touch with that psychologist you mentioned.

Cut off contact with all negative influences in your life.

Leave the boyfriend and don't succumb to any of his threats to kill himself (that is manipulative behavior).

Honestly, if you're already considering sexual activity/friendship with another guy, you're clearly not that invested in him, anyway.

Keep your head down, stay safe, and push through until you get the SSI, and then go from there.

truly did/do love ex bf (so much so became fiance and now possibly baby daddy). always will. things got GOOD. past 5 days destroyed them though. lost his grandpa/ex gang bestfriend, got put in lockup for parole violation he didn't do (anklet messed up, he didn't even have a curfew/only had to stay away from 1 location and was with me so he didn't do anything) we both are super stressed. but again i tell him not to take it out on me. documented everything that happened and his mom and lawyer said "good but fuck off" bc he told them I'M the one threatening to kill myself when not answered??? he complains about me and me struggling, but i 7/10 am helping him/being positive/talking to him 24/7 a day/providing for him. even got him a phone on my line (he put the downpayment and can def pay it back + i already have one person i threatened w/ small claims court over that) that he's prly cheating on me with rn :-)))) his mom warned me about the phone issues lmaoooo. what i get. i believed him/loved him more than my "first love" of 7 years. might've been this guy forreal though cause didn't date the first one we were "bestfriends"

love him still (obviously do lol it's also been like 5 hours since i blocked him) wanna CTB especially with his possible embryo inside me with no help/no one one to care irl. if i do CTB, i wanna do it right/in a more likely to be successful way that neither me nor embryo would survive. wanted SN but harder to find with recent events. but for now, honestly need better people/to keep my head down for sure. don't even wanna look at another man at this point. maybe not ever again. i am bi/pan (never been with a woman or nb person with a cervix tho so idk how much someone would like me) but love is LAST thing on my mind. i just need some companionship or even random compassion from time to time if i am to do this. (get that here and am so thankful!!! therapy or even just 1 friend in a new place would do wonders too).

in deeper shit now though as mentioned in comments below/post i made. "when it rains it pours :(" some woman who gave me $20 outside a gas station when i was in desperate need/with all my shit i owned on the curb and bank card locked (she didn't know, was a random act of "God") cause was moving from hotel to hotel in ex bf's area and he had to make anklet curfew at the time (he's off curfew now though) and i cried and had to wait for a extended "fam" member (thank goodness she came!!! so did my mom too tho who dismissed my issues (especially that night)/is part of my bigger issues. lost feeling in hands/feet that night was so cold)