Venting Home is where the heart is right?

[Fenrirsend]

Sorry probably not right place or topic and I will probably not reply for a bit but sometimes you need to scream and write it all out. Tldr Tis my sob story.

So I fought depression and suicide desires after a few failed attempts.... I really fought. I took a chance moved to the other side of the planet, worked a job I knew nothing about in a country I never had any desire to go to before that. And something strange happened... I found some sort of peace, I found a life and even found a women I'd come to love more then anything in the world, one that made hanging on an driving worth while. For once I was glad I had survived, glad I kept going. Made friends, made a life, liked my job and loved my gf. I finally found my home.... But life can't be good can it?

So I get a call, my dad has stage 4 cancer and they don't know how long he has left. He's fighting it but he's so bad he needs someone to take care of him, help with literally everything from just getting up and outa bed to getting to drs and paying bills. That or they have to put him in one of those hole on the wall nursing homes you put people in to forget they exist and they make a prison look good.

My gf agrees I should go and help him on the end, family is important and I do love my father. Is supposed to be short term. I go home my job teaching moves to online position. It goes good for bit...then my sister od's. That came out a nowhere. And guess who has to pay for expenses he never had prepared for? That's also the point my dad gave up and I couldn't blame him, he was hurting on so many ways. 2 months after my sister my dad loses his battle.


I get everything taken care of yet again. Get prepared to head home and bam theres a new variety and my visa is no longer valid, I have to get everything together l authenticated and apply from scratch. You ever delt with visas and really work ones you know this is a nightmare on the best of times much less during covid when embassy's can't even be bothered to answer a phone or return and email. Expensive to. And at this point that matters cause a new law passes. No more online teaching if your outside the country... Guess who just lost their income?

I'm allowed to stay at my dad's house for a short span but I have to be out next month and will be homeless, I have no place to go... I've saved up every penny I can, no cell phone plan, no cable, no streaming, neighbors wifi. And I've got enough to cover a very expensive plane ticket that just went even higher, even more expensive quarantine, and some. Other cost but even after saving I'm about 3k usd short and no way to make money. It's been over 9 months since I've seen my gf, literally the only person on the world who cares about me left and I have no way to get home. I'm about to be homeless and lose everything.

I've tried to get help, churches, outreaches, everything. Even tried talking to news hoping maybe it's drum up some sympathy and someone would come forward and help.... They literally told me if my sister or dad died from covid they could help but no one cares about a junkie and cancer. Is my life really so worthless and not worth saving that it ends over 3k? I guess I always fooled myself into thinking I was worth more then that. Why was I so stupid to think that? What ever gave me that impression?

My gf can't help, she's local so she's barely making enough to cover her bills, I have no family left and with no ability to do my job from here I have no way to get money, I've been doing day labor work at the local temp place just to afford food and basics.


Maybe this is my fate, maybe I couldn't die before cause I didn't have enough to lose, maybe I'm ment to be homeless and that's how I end, maybe another homeless takes me out or I get desperate and od on the streets.


I'm at my wits end and losing my grip fast. Apologies for the typos and grammar. This isn't ment to be some great work of art...just the ramblings of a man who has to finally let go of that last bit of light and hope and accept he's back in that dark bit of depression and desperation..... I honestly dunno why I'm even posting this. Just needed to write it out. I'll probably check back and regret it later when I stop crying and freaking out.

Thanks for reading... I sincerely hope your days are going better them mine. Apologies if this is the wrong place, erase it or ban me or whatever you need to. I just wanna go home.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that things are so hopeless. I know that it is a dreadful feeling when things just get worse. It sounds like you have been through a lot. This life really is stressful and tiring. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[TooConscious]

Even some homeless people feel more at home on the street than anywhere. Usually because theyve been abused and don't feel they belong in society but there may also be a spiritual aspect.
These people are always better people than any of us living inside the system.

 

[DisillusionedDragon]

It always gets me how there are people sitting on their unimaginable piles of wealth while so many others can't even get a crumb, a crumb that would change the world for them. Aside from the missing money your life really doesn't seem very hopeless to me.

I hope you can find a way to get enough money. Or find some place to stay until you do. I know you must be exhausted, but I'd still say try everything you can before choosing to ctb.

But it's perfectly understandable you are losing your wits, this is just a really awful and stressful situation to be in. I hope things will get better for you.

Sending strength and a hug

 

[Capsicum_Corral]

And something strange happened... I found some sort of peace, I found a life and even found a women I'd come to love more then anything in the world, one that made hanging on an driving worth while.

I just wanna go home.

This is not the time to give up, on her or on yourself. There is a way to return to your love you haven't found yet. I don't know what that is, but I encourage you to believe in your mind that you'll find a way to get back to her. Beliefs can be powerful things. What haven't you tried yet? Who haven't you talked to that could possibly help? Who might want to help you if they knew your plight?

Keep your grip and hold onto your wits. Activate your 'second wind', or however you need to think about it. Sending you encouragement and strength to find your way home!

(If you'd like suggestions on raising money you've probably already thought of, but maybe one you haven't, just ask.)

 

[Fenrirsend]

This is not the time to give up, on her or on yourself. There is a way to return to your love you haven't found yet. I don't know what that is, but I encourage you to believe in your mind that you'll find a way to get back to her. Beliefs can be powerful things. What haven't you tried yet? Who haven't you talked to that could possibly help? Who might want to help you if they knew your plight?

Keep your grip and hold onto your wits. Activate your 'second wind', or however you need to think about it. Sending you encouragement and strength to find your way home!

(If you'd like suggestions on raising money you've probably already thought of, but maybe one you haven't, just ask.)

I'm trying my best.... I'm holding onto hope as long a so can.

And sure message me or tell me some, always open to ideas but I've tried a lot, even looked into selling a kidney, not as easy as tv and movies would have you believe.

I'm sorry that things are so hopeless. I know that it is a dreadful feeling when things just get worse. It sounds like you have been through a lot. This life really is stressful and tiring. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

Thanks..it helps knowing people care enough to at least think bout me

Even some homeless people feel more at home on the street than anywhere. Usually because theyve been abused and don't feel they belong in society but there may also be a spiritual aspect.
These people are always better people than any of us living inside the system.

I'll let ya know soon....I've talked to and known my fair share....where I live here there's a lot and they operate like gangs kinda...they will be first one to tell you the biggest threat to homeless are other homeless

It always gets me how there are people sitting on their unimaginable piles of wealth while so many others can't even get a crumb, a crumb that would change the world for them. Aside from the missing money your life really doesn't seem very hopeless to me.

I hope you can find a way to get enough money. Or find some place to stay until you do. I know you must be exhausted, but I'd still say try everything you can before choosing to ctb.

But it's perfectly understandable you are losing your wits, this is just a really awful and stressful situation to be in. I hope things will get better for you.

Sending strength and a hug

I m holding in as long as possible and I feel ya.....thanks appreciate the support