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wait i'm goated
- Feb 12, 2023
- 384
i don't feel very strongly about anything most of the time. i don't think 'numb' is the right word because i don't lack feelings, it just became easier to ignore things. i remember things that made me feel bad, i feel a lingering hint of distress, but i ignore it. i enjoy this more than the daily panic attacks, so that's something. i doubt it's healthy, but at least i can sleep without breaking down for hours. the strong emotions are still there, but they're directed at more broad topics, if that makes sense. i feel really angry at people in general, i just hate this population so much it gets overwhelming. i get angry when i think about how pathetic my situation is or how unfair things are, but i distance myself from the specifics. sometimes i can't really avoid thinking about these things and i get really sad, but it's been easier to push it down. it's a little tough at this current moment tho.
anyway, i still have a constant migraine. i feel insane because sometimes i'm not sure if i'm imagining it. it's constant, so i've gotten used to it and i really notice when it's not there or when it gets worse, but idk. my nose has been bleeding a lot as well. last week, i couldn't stop puking and there was a day where i couldn't even keep water down. i'm not puking anymore, but i still feel really sick. i get bad symptoms like these whenever my mental health is bad or if i'm really stressed, but it's never been that bad before. i feel physically terrible all of the time. i'm taking care of myself, i eat healthily and track every macro. i've been struggling with undereating because i'm scared of throwing up, but still. i drink enough water, i'm physically active, i don't drink, smoke, or do any drugs—but i still feel like shit all of the time, it doesn't stop. i feel worse when i rot in bed and do unhealthy things, so i still do what i can. i've been trying to do everything right, but everything remains horrible. i usually say that in reference to my social life or other aspects of my personal life, but now it applies to my physical health as well. there's no winning.
life is so shit, i keep trying and it's just sad. everything is either grim or pathetic. there's still nothing to do and no one to talk to, i'm just bored to death. none of this is going anywhere. everyone i reach out to is either uninterested or terrible, people are just evil and can't be trusted. any perceived positivity is just a front, no one actually cares. now, i just feel disgusted whenever anyone is nice to me. it's not real. i really hate when people call this thinking a self-fulfilling prophecy or whatever. it's just pattern recognition and being able to take a hint. there's still something wrong with me that i haven't figured out. the only people i interact with outside of work are my brothers, and i only interact with them because i live with them. they seem to be avoiding me more than usual these days. i haven't done anything or changed the way i interact with them, i can't recall doing anything strange or offensive. this happens with everyone i meet though, so i guess it was bound to happen with my family as well.
anyway, i still have a constant migraine. i feel insane because sometimes i'm not sure if i'm imagining it. it's constant, so i've gotten used to it and i really notice when it's not there or when it gets worse, but idk. my nose has been bleeding a lot as well. last week, i couldn't stop puking and there was a day where i couldn't even keep water down. i'm not puking anymore, but i still feel really sick. i get bad symptoms like these whenever my mental health is bad or if i'm really stressed, but it's never been that bad before. i feel physically terrible all of the time. i'm taking care of myself, i eat healthily and track every macro. i've been struggling with undereating because i'm scared of throwing up, but still. i drink enough water, i'm physically active, i don't drink, smoke, or do any drugs—but i still feel like shit all of the time, it doesn't stop. i feel worse when i rot in bed and do unhealthy things, so i still do what i can. i've been trying to do everything right, but everything remains horrible. i usually say that in reference to my social life or other aspects of my personal life, but now it applies to my physical health as well. there's no winning.
life is so shit, i keep trying and it's just sad. everything is either grim or pathetic. there's still nothing to do and no one to talk to, i'm just bored to death. none of this is going anywhere. everyone i reach out to is either uninterested or terrible, people are just evil and can't be trusted. any perceived positivity is just a front, no one actually cares. now, i just feel disgusted whenever anyone is nice to me. it's not real. i really hate when people call this thinking a self-fulfilling prophecy or whatever. it's just pattern recognition and being able to take a hint. there's still something wrong with me that i haven't figured out. the only people i interact with outside of work are my brothers, and i only interact with them because i live with them. they seem to be avoiding me more than usual these days. i haven't done anything or changed the way i interact with them, i can't recall doing anything strange or offensive. this happens with everyone i meet though, so i guess it was bound to happen with my family as well.
