Venting Holy shit, I think I’m actually schizophrenic (and the *probably* doctors agree)

[3FailedAttemptss]

So, today was supposed to be The Day owo. The day the ward doctor finally dropped the verdict on my assessment. I've been climbing the walls waiting for it, bracing myself to hear if it's F21 (Schizotypal) or the big bad F20 (Schizophrenia). But of course, in classic psych ward fashion, they moved the goalposts. Now I have to wait another week (until the 18th) because the ward doctor wants to have a "summit meeting" with my outpatient psychiatrist to make sure everyone agrees. Basically, they're calling in the cavalry to sign off on it, which honestly makes me think they are going for the heavy diagnosis >w< You don't call a board meeting just to say "everything is fine, carry on." ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ

But the real mind-fuck happened when I actually sat down and read my medical notes (nosy patient privilege lol :P). The doctor has listed that I have several First Rank Symptoms. Specifically "Thought Insertion" and "Made Actions." At first, I felt like a total imposter— like, I don't have a microchip in my brain, I don't think the CIA is beaming thoughts at me. I thought I must have misunderstood the questions or accidentally lied TwT But then I realized... the "Backseat Driver" feeling I get? That time the Sodium Nitrite literally commanded me to kill myself, and it felt like the thought was inserted into my brain by the bottle itself? That is Thought Insertion. The times my body moves on its own (like steering my bike into danger) is Made Actions.

I always thought those were just... me being broken? Or me being weird? But realizing that they are literally textbook symptoms of Schizophrenia is a "holy shit" moment. It's terrifying but also weirdly validating? QwQ Like, I'm not just making this up. My brain is actually misfiring in a very specific, documented way. The "kill yourself" voice isn't just low self-esteem; it's a hallucination with agency.

So yeah. I'm just sitting here in the ward, waiting for the 18th to get the official stamp, realizing that I'm probably F20.3. It's fucked up. It's heavy. But at least it makes sense.

I don't know what it's like in other countries but has anyone else ever read their own file and realize "Oh shit, they're right"?

 

[Blueberry Panic]

I've got schizoaffective disorder and BPD, so I seriously get what you're talking about. I've had that same moment of reading my file and thinking "oh… damn… that really is a symptom and not just me being weird."

Stuff like feeling someone else is kinda controlling you, or thoughts popping into your head like they're not yours, or your body doing things before you even decide … yeah, I've been there. I also used to think I misunderstood the questions or exaggerated things, but then the notes literally match what I experience...

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

That feeling of "holy shit that's me!" during diagnosis/discovery is like no other. Glad you found your answer, and wishing you well for the future!

 

[hao☆]

So, today was supposed to be The Day owo. The day the ward doctor finally dropped the verdict on my assessment. I've been climbing the walls waiting for it, bracing myself to hear if it's F21 (Schizotypal) or the big bad F20 (Schizophrenia). But of course, in classic psych ward fashion, they moved the goalposts. Now I have to wait another week (until the 18th) because the ward doctor wants to have a "summit meeting" with my outpatient psychiatrist to make sure everyone agrees. Basically, they're calling in the cavalry to sign off on it, which honestly makes me think they are going for the heavy diagnosis >w< You don't call a board meeting just to say "everything is fine, carry on." ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ

But the real mind-fuck happened when I actually sat down and read my medical notes (nosy patient privilege lol :P). The doctor has listed that I have several First Rank Symptoms. Specifically "Thought Insertion" and "Made Actions." At first, I felt like a total imposter— like, I don't have a microchip in my brain, I don't think the CIA is beaming thoughts at me. I thought I must have misunderstood the questions or accidentally lied TwT But then I realized... the "Backseat Driver" feeling I get? That time the Sodium Nitrite literally commanded me to kill myself, and it felt like the thought was inserted into my brain by the bottle itself? That is Thought Insertion. The times my body moves on its own (like steering my bike into danger) is Made Actions.

I always thought those were just... me being broken? Or me being weird? But realizing that they are literally textbook symptoms of Schizophrenia is a "holy shit" moment. It's terrifying but also weirdly validating? QwQ Like, I'm not just making this up. My brain is actually misfiring in a very specific, documented way. The "kill yourself" voice isn't just low self-esteem; it's a hallucination with agency.

So yeah. I'm just sitting here in the ward, waiting for the 18th to get the official stamp, realizing that I'm probably F20.3. It's fucked up. It's heavy. But at least it makes sense.

I don't know what it's like in other countries but has anyone else ever read their own file and realize "Oh shit, they're right"?

i feel you, when i was 13 my parents took me to a psychiatrist (if remember correctly??) although when i asked my mum for the details - she told me something about having to take medicine every now and then without any real explanation it was only a few nights after that i heard my parents fighting and i heard something about me being a schizoid and that shit absolutely froze me

 

[madameviolette]

Do thought insertion come from inanimate objects ?

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Maybe it can help you understand yourself better? there might be a positive from it and hey if it's schizophrenia I heard the meds might actually work! unlike existential depression, so that's another + , fingers crossed for you.