Holy crap!

[Nem]

Hi all,
Things have been such a nightmare for awhile, ever since I started back on meds a number of years ago and then had a severe reaction to a dangerous combination carelessly prescribed.
I had a mild bipolar 2 problem but now it has gotten worse since the reaction ten fold. My sleep is around two hours a night for a few years and things are very bad right now esp with finances. Right after my reaction I stopped all of my meds and my Dr never realized I would go through severe withdrawals from stopping alprazolam cold turkey.
I went through the worst withdrawals of my life and I had thought the withdrawals were part of the damage...that's how sick I was. My fiance demanded I keep taking the meds that caused my reaction and I regret listening and should've just stopped them right away. We broke up after I had made a plan to die and at the time it was a not so good idea, I should've aborted my plan because it screwed things up really bad for myself.
At this point my life has become so bad I pretty much have no choice but to end my life. If anyone can offer support I am open to it, thanks so much!!!

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Do you mean you damaged yourself by attempting suicide?

 

[Nem]

Hi, my Dr prescribed dangerous meds the resulted in a serious reaction.

 

[DeathBecomesMe]

Do you mean you damaged yourself by attempting suicide?

In a way, it could be the classic 'self-destruction' that a lot of us on this forum are capable of and renowned for.

Yes maybe OP further made his situation difficult by wanting to ctb which made it untenable for his gf. But, the point that stands out to me however, is how this reflects on her. If someone is having a hard time and brings up suicide, their partner should try and stick around to help them improve, not leave and make the situation more untenable. Some people just don't have the heart and empathy and understanding that others do. Some people are rather influenced by society and what it considers 'taboo'. My 2 cents.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Nem, was it a serious permanent reaction?

 

[Nem]

Yes, it damaged my kidneys, nervous system, muscles and received some brain injury. Pretty devastating

 

[Nem]

In a way, it could be the classic 'self-destruction' that a lot of us on this forum are capable of and renowned for.

Yes maybe OP further made his situation difficult by wanting to ctb which made it untenable for his gf. But, the point that stands out to me however, is how this reflects on her. If someone is having a hard time and brings up suicide, their partner should try and stick around to help them improve, not leave and make the situation more untenable. Some people just don't have the heart and empathy and understanding that others do. Some people are rather influenced by society and what it considers 'taboo'. My 2 cents.

 

[Nem]

Thanks for the support! Yes, at times she definitely lacked empathy but not all the time. When I had made the plan to die the empathy wasn't there at all, maybe I should've let her know right away that I was going to change my mindiet and do everything I could to carry on. At that point however I was thinking things were hopeless and they did seem that way. When she picked me up from the hospital I should've given her a hug and said I was sorry and I was going to stop searching methods to end things. Problem was I was so sick that I was certain that my life was finished, I'm not sure she would've forgiven me but as soon as we got home she said I was to sleep on the couch from now on. It seemed like it was over at that point and ever since then my life was quite the struggle. She checked the computer and noticed I was searching still and then things were over right then and there. I feel like an idiot for not staying off the computer and assuring her that I would stop any contact with anything regarding suicide.
I do think if we had stayed together and I put all my efforts into moving away from suicide, I could've recovered more than the situation that I am in now. I feel totally lost and more sad than I have ever been in my life. When I mentioned to a good friend that I had made a plan to die...he stopped talking to me right away, lost a good friend and a relationship at the same time. Holy crap is a good way to put it.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

I tried to kill myself and failed to. The only consequences for me are that I feel more distracted and stupid, but I'm hoping that will go away. I'm split down the middle between wanting to die and wanting to heal.

 

[DeathBecomesMe]

I tried to kill myself and failed to. The only consequences for me are that I feel more distracted and stupid, but I'm hoping that will go away. I'm split down the middle between wanting to die and wanting to heal.

In a sense you are lucky you are split about it. For you choose to heal you can make a recovery or have hope, which is what most of us here are missing. In some of our situations, it's not possible to try as we have lost something that can never be brought back. Healing is possible but in reality healing would consist of accepting or forgetting things and moving on. I don't like to forget, or accept terrible things that have happened. It's as though I'd have to kill who I was and start totally new. I feel is rather die.

But if someone has hope or they think they can heal, they must give it their best shot! All or nothing.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Well, see my problem is that I'm old and I don't feel I can get better. The damage I suffered may be worse then I'm letting on. The split I feel is what divides suicidal people from hopeful people. In one frame of mind it's worth the effort to try and in other it isn't. I'm not black but when I read Malcom X I see a spirit determined to overcome adversity and grow from it but when I come here I see spirits that have been crushed by adversity. If you're young here maybe you can overcome your obstacles. Maybe not. I can't say. I see young people and wish I was young and know that I'm not but I don't wish them harm, I just feel it's over for me.

 

[bigj75]

Yes, it damaged my kidneys, nervous system, muscles and received some brain injury. Pretty devastating

Same with me.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

And I know some of you have serious medical conditions and extremely bad social situations. I'm not saying you can overcome them. I'm not saying you should try to. I'm saying that if you felt you could that's a different frame of mind and maybe a healither one and maybe you could offer the world a gift. But I'm not shaming you if you don't feel that way.

 

[bigj75]

And I know some of you have serious medical conditions and extremely bad social situations. I'm not saying you can overcome them. I'm not saying you should try to. I'm saying that if you felt you could that's a different frame of mind and maybe a healither one and maybe you could offer the world a gift. But I'm not shaming you if you don't feel that way.

I understand. For me i actually have tried to do everything I can to overcome it. Healthy lifestyle, friends, money, medical treatment, etc. None of it works. I know what was the cause and what would have fixed it but it's too late now.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

It's too late now exactly. That hurts. How could I have been so stupid. Sometimes I think this discussion group might be evil because people end up hurt. It encourages them to attempt suicide and they hurt themselves. Other people would say they're going to kill themselves and so they won't end up hurt they'll end up dead. It's kind of like teenagers who don't do their homework in high school because they're sure they'll be stars versus their parents who say they have to be realistic and their friends who tell them to stay sane and tell them not to chase wild geese.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

But then I'll think of something and boom off I go int off myself self land following the death munchin trail.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

There is a point an uninjured person who is considering suicide is standing at. They haven't injured themselves in an attempt and they have hopes they'll succeed but then they try and injure themselves. Now there's added incentive for them to suicide but will they succeed in their next attempt? If suicides just a fantasy then setting out on the suicidal path is a self fulfilling prophecy that just leads to you ending up maimed. It's a viscous circle that people who can't see possibilities are trapped by. But don't let me anger or shame you.

 

[SomeGuyDK]

Your close ones should have treated you better. The one time I mentioned suicide in a drunken and narcotic state, my old friend was supportive and extra nice to me the time after (Not even a close friend anymore, but the closest I have to a friend). It is not very pleasant, when someone you know wants to commit suicide, but it doesn't make it right to be so cold hearted. I am sorry to hear, you have caught serious injuries, you deserve so much better.

 

[Sayo]

Suicidal ideation is an acute symptom of benzo withdrawal and it's very intense, these withdrawals are truly terrible. I am almost shocked by how irresponsible your doctor was in attempting to take you off cold turkey but none of them are equipped to handle benzos despite prescribing them.

Sorry about your friend and partner btw. I do think that's an astonishing lack of empathy, maybe there was compassion fatigue going on but a normal person pulled cold turkey off alprazolam would be thinking about trying to ctb too, promise or no promise. Unfortunately it's hard to get support for these withdrawals.

My thought is that if being with this person could justify not committing suicide, you could consider recovery and if being with someone else is a worthwhile goal. Apologies if I'm mistaking how you feel about that. But I do appreciate the desperation of the isolation you've been placed in. Also get another doctor if you're going to keep going. Bipolar spectrum sucks dude, whatever illusion of control people have over their emotions gets stripped away from us. I'm sorry.

 

[DeathBecomesMe]

Suicidal ideation is an acute symptom of benzo withdrawal and it's very intense, these withdrawals are truly terrible. I am almost shocked by how irresponsible your doctor was in attempting to take you off cold turkey but none of them are equipped to handle benzos despite prescribing them.

Sorry about your friend and partner btw. I do think that's an astonishing lack of empathy, maybe there was compassion fatigue going on but a normal person pulled cold turkey off alprazolam would be thinking about trying to ctb too, promise or no promise. Unfortunately it's hard to get support for these withdrawals.

My thought is that if being with this person could justify not committing suicide, you could consider recovery and if being with someone else is a worthwhile goal. Apologies if I'm mistaking how you feel about that. But I do appreciate the desperation of the isolation you've been placed in. Also get another doctor if you're going to keep going. Bipolar spectrum sucks dude, whatever illusion of control people have over their emotions gets stripped away from us. I'm sorry.

Nice post Sayo! All so true and positive.

I was on benzos for just 3 weeks and went cold turkey and it is a deep dark place to be! Iv gone cold turkey off oxy and it was all physical, while benzos crushed me mentally. Nevermind the lucid nightmares!

 

[Duqu]

God I remember coming off Xanax...not fun. I used to take upward of 15mg a day (PRESCRIBED, I should add) and when I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt when I was 18 (12 years ago) they decided to take me off of it COLD TURKEY. I thought I was going to die, no joke.

 

[Sayo]

Nice post Sayo! All so true and positive.

I was on benzos for just 3 weeks and went cold turkey and it is a deep dark place to be! Iv gone cold turkey off oxy and it was all physical, while benzos crushed me mentally. Nevermind the lucid nightmares!

Oh yeah the nightmares were the second worst thing to me, couldn't escape even when I was sleeping. You're right that they are lucid too. Anyone would struggle to hold up against it and because it's almost all mental except the hypertension etc it has this insidious quality where one might not even recognise it's a drug withdrawal and not just insanity. I feel for Nem and you and anyone else who has fought this.

Sorry to hear you've also had to go off oxy cold turkey!

 

[great-ape99]

I pretty much sleep like a baby with olanzapine and I've tried a variety of meds. Try it out.