Hoarding meds, scared to die

[AbandonedGirl]

So since I have attempted suicide in the past now my grandmother is giving me medication but i managed to hide most of my evening dosage. I really want this pain to end but I am very very scared of being found and "saved" and ending up in a position where I loose the ability to take my own life. I wanted to go with hanging but meds are so tempting. I just want to take bunch of them and just go into a coma and never wake up.I don't know how much I should take to be done with all this.I tried suspension hanging but i chicken out. My life has become worse since my ex left me. I really have nothing to live for. I just want the fear to go away so i can be done with this. I really want to go with pills since they give me the least of fear. I attempted to overdose 4 times in the past and it didnt work so im considering hanging again... Anyway anybody got any experience with getting rid of fear? Did the fear disappear after a few attempts? Sorry if this post is a mess I just need someone pro choice to hear me out.

 

[Nymph]

What kind of meds to you take? Please don't attempt anything with those meds cause unless it's something very strong you will most likely just end up in a hospital with a pumped stomach.

the fear is probably SI and it won't disappear. Some ppl use alcohol or something to get looser so they're scared. But if you're not ready, don't force it. If you already attempted so many times with meds, don't do it again. Learn from your mistakes.

 

[AbandonedGirl]

What kind of meds to you take? Please don't attempt anything with those meds cause unless it's something very strong you will most likely just end up in a hospital with a pumped stomach.

the fear is probably SI and it won't disappear. Some ppl use alcohol or something to get looser so they're scared. But if you're not ready, don't force it. If you already attempted so many times with meds, don't do it again. Learn from your mistakes.

I take (i will try to use international names) Clonazepam, zolpidem,carbamazepine,mirtazapine,propranolol. The only reason why I want to attempt it with meds is i just down them all with alcohol and there is no going back while with for example hanging i can just take the noose off....thats my biggest problem plus if I fail with meds there are less consequences than if I am found hanging.

 

[Lady black]

When you hang it's nearly impossible to get out of the noose. Maybe you do a combination of the methods?

 

[AbandonedGirl]

When you hang it's nearly impossible to get out of the noose. Maybe you do a combination of the methods?

I tried suspension hanging from my closet since I have nothing high enough to attach myself to so i was able to chicken out. I might try mixing my meds + metoclopramide (to prevent vomiting) + alcohol and then suspension hanging. Im just scared of how my body will look like because my poor old grandmother will find me.

 

[Lady black]

So maybe you should put a hood over your head like an executed person. So she won't see your face

 

[AbandonedGirl]

So maybe you should put a hood over your head like an executed person. So she won't see your face

That is a good idea. I don't want to ruin that poor woman's life with my grotesque corpse tho she will be the one to cut me down and probbably take the hood off to see her baby one more time.

 

[Lady black]

Is there no chance to do it in the woods or so?

 

[AbandonedGirl]

Is there no chance to do it in the woods or so?

Not really. Closest woods we had were demolished for a shopping centre a few years ago plus it was a private property. Also she checks up on me during the night cuz of my past attempts.

 

[Lady black]

Oh I see so it's a big risk

 

[AbandonedGirl]

Oh I see so it's a big risk

Yes. I am terrified of being disabled and unable to end my suffering (which is bound to happen if they find me too soon.)

 

[Lady black]

You have to think if it's possible that your grandmother finds you still alive