High expectations, insufficient reality

[its-about-time]

I don't know. I'd like to have a break from feeling like such an alien. A fuck up. Broken. Unable to connect in the ways I want so badly to, as if I'm simply literally incapable of feeling that. It's a bummer. I always get so much more depressed on holidays. I have a wonderful family and I think I just expect to fit in and have a great time, but I don't, it's all so forced. I feel guilty.

I'm back home and just so heavy. I gave away my gun earlier this month, trying to take suicide off the table. I thought about my family grieving me this Christmas a lot while I was there today. Kept getting visuals of the "aftermath", had I gone that route. Everything about living feels overwhelming and the only way to keep pushing right now is to stop caring… it just doesn't feel very good.

I feel very, very, very alone. I've never posted on the recovery side of this forum. Trying to avoid suicide is really difficult. I think we all are doing great by trying. There's got to be something worth living for, probably many things, I'd love to hear your struggle and whatever your light is. Thanks for listening if not. I need something and can't figure out what. Maybe just someone to know I feel this way.

 

[whatevs]

Yeah... Since many years I have this feeling, which I've been told others have as well, that there's something preventing actual connection. I don't feel it with all people, just... 99% of them. IMO is just an extraordinary amount of suffering and lack of bonding experiences spanning years which gives off a completely alien vibe.

You couldn't truly belong to their festivities because you're actually miserable and they aren't. They know what is to be temporally miserable, but not how is to seemingly exist as fundamentally miserable. There's a world of difference there.

What I'm trying? Reaching out to people, see if anything sticks. Giving all I can to my job, battling with crippling chronic health issues. My recovery looks better than it feels. I went out drinking for the first time in many years some weeks ago. There's probably something wrong inside regardless of how lonely, poor, ugly, disadvantaged one actually is when you feel like this.

 

[Pluto]

I've often felt like I have nothing in common with other people. It's ironic, since the intellect could rebut that we all share a huge percentage of DNA, live on the same planet, in the same (geologically insane) time period and the list goes on. Our primitive instincts predispose us towards either allying or fighting with one another, neither of which entails a disconnect.

The million dollar question is whether the sense of alienation is a sobering reflection an invisible incompatibility with others, or whether it is an erroneous subconscious belief that gives rise to unsatisfying encounters in a tragic self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's ironic, since the intellect could rebut that we all share a huge percentage of DNA, live on the same planet, in the same (geologically insane) time period and the list goes on. Our

None of those things are necessarily conducive to having an emotional connection with other people. In fact, having some basic core similarities might worsen your sense of alienation.

 

[its-about-time]

The million dollar question is whether the sense of alienation is a sobering reflection an invisible incompatibility with others, or whether it is an erroneous subconscious belief that gives rise to unsatisfying encounters in a tragic self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm going to have to think on this one. Thanks

 

[Seiko]

You deserve so much credit for giving away your firearm. I went through similar feelings of throwing away all my slipknots and paracord.

 

[Ineedtodie]

Trying recovery despite the nagging feelings that you don't connect with your family better then your current experience. Or maybe your life is in polar opposite of what yoi once expected. I respect that.
For me it stems from deep childhood inability to connect properly and inability to communicate properly. This combination lead to deep unhappiness and self-hate, then comes mental illness which is high disregulation in emotions as a response to my experiences and it gets worse and you get really bad at conducting your behavior and life. I believe my concerns were unvalidated along the why so i intrernalize it all. Now I' m just dealing with the aftermath sort of speack, all the consequence of such buried soul. It's like I lived surrounded by people but was trapped in my head. I lost connection with my sens perception, emotions , thoughts are not clear. And fears and anguish is rampant. I don't know if having a steady job in all of this would make a little difference or a catalyst for better mind control and stability. As you're not constantly focused on all the criticism you get. And not in constant confrontation with your inadequacy. My panic attacks are a red flag though.