Lost.
Antidepressants and antipsychotics are posion
- Feb 13, 2020
- 173
I am 24 year old female. I was stressed a lot about college and i took Zoloft in summer 2016 (i stared with zoloft at 07/31/2016) to numb anxiety before two realy important (conditional) exams. I regret so bad i did mistakes and eneded up with 2 conditional exams at the last exam's period. If i didn't pass any of that 2 exams i would lose the right to education. I regret so bad for mistakes i did to end up in that situation. Zoloft numbed my anxiety but made me suicidal and bipolar and i couldn't stop taking Zoloft due withdrawal. I reduced dosage for 50% in December. I had horible withdrawal in which i near killed myself. I survived. I came off zoloft in middle February 2017. I had acute withdrawal but it wasn't bad as in December. But unfortunately i developed protracted withdrawal which i wasnt aware and it had lasted for a months. Simptoms: my chronic cervical spine pain was 1000 times worsen, my OCD was worsen, i suffered from severe insomna. Btw i had tinitus as aftermath of zoloft and benzos and ambien which i had used. I wasn't aware it was from it. (I fotgot mention pain got worse a year before from diazepam which I used for insomnia caused by stress related with college and mild tinitus started.) I thought it would spontaneously get worse a year by year. I was suicidal every day because of phisical pain. Then problems with my spine got worse from injury. My mental trauma from othopedist who caused my back probelms by unnecessary and falied scoliosis brace haunted me more than ever. He gave me brace because he had commision. I had been brainwashed by Tubmlr blogs for about 1.5 year that glorifies suicide and promote indirectly suicide as an answer for any problem in life. I wanted to kill myself. I vountaliry went to psych ward in May 2017 for 4 days, they didn't help me. They just poisoned me with their neurotoxic drugs. In July 2017 mother forced me to generic flouxetine, i didn't want it, i cried and baged to didn't force me, i regret i didn't act i swallow it, i swallowed it only because of love to her and nothing more. I had been on it for 4 weeks and in that period at times i used zyprexa (also forced by mother) before sleep. Flouxetine made me emotionaly numb and killed my sex drive. I came off flouxetine in August 2017. Only withdrawal symptom was sleeping problems. But i didn't fully regain my sexuality and emotions back. I was desparate. Sadness and hapiness came back soon after i came off, but ability to fall in love/attracrion to men never come back and anxiety were damaged a lot. Month after i came off orgasams came back (it was hard to reach it), horrines come back at 5-7% (it was poor!). I hated i lost feel of horrines and ability to fall in love and having a lot of difficulties with reaching orgasam. I was suicidal because of sexual and emotional loss. Btw i suffered from memory and contretration problems, thinking probelms (i had blocking of thoughts but then it wasn't bad like a now), tinitus. I was depressed a lot. Then I accepted it and lived well. My live never was the same, it was less quality but i loved my life, i was happy again, i was full of life again and i tried to enjoy in my life as much as i can. I had plans for future. I have been a proud activists against big pharma and psych drugs. Then in April 2019 i got neck injury by a chiropractor who i visited because of spine problems. I was scared if i had vertrebal artery disection. I went to ER. Btw i had dizziness. I told them my symptoms. They injected me with torecan because of dizziness without my consent and it made my damage from flouxetine worse 1000 times. They were rude to me and i was scared and too mentaly weak to stop them. Torecan - thiethylperazine is an old worldwide banned antipsychotic which is used as antiemetic and label off for dizininess in 6 Slavic countries (Europe) including my country. { be aware: Reglan is danger antipsychotic (antiemetic) use for nausea worldwide on ER. Single shot can ruine life. Same with compazine used for migraine in USA! Google about it. Some people killed themslevs because of this poisons.} After torecan i lost my sleep but it has been improved a lot. But i barely can remeber dream. I got dysautonomnia which was improved too. I lost my happenes/enyojment and sadness, actually i had just bit of this emotions. I often could not cry, tears stoped on my eyes but l was improved and i could cry but not to much. Btw i could feel despair, regreting, loging and some good emotions and I could connect with my past and remeber it. I was conencted with my life. My thinking and memory problems were a worse ofc. I completly lost my sexual function (pure hell!). In 8 months i had had a small improvment in emotions and cognitive impairment. The first 1.5 month after torecan i was suicidal every day then i got mentaly better and since then i had been suicidal often, i had had suicidal crises but I WANTED TO LIVE AND CHOSE A LIFE. Then I unforunatly took some combo of spices in December, (which never be harmfull for a healthy human!!, people damaged on this way are so sensitive and even can get worse a lot from paracetamol, painkillers, curcumin, ginger, antibiotics, etc. ) and that combo made my damage worse a lot! I even wonder was it combo or i spontaneously got worse like some people with this damage, but i think it was the combo. Since then i lost little happiness and sadness i had, i near had no emotion. I can realise tears but with near no emotion. My tinitus, visual snow, cognitive impairment are worse. I have pretty bad fatigue and a big loss of energy. The worst thing i am disconeced from my life. I feel isolated from my life and from the world due damage . I can remeber my past in periods of 1 or 2 sec with no emotion or i feel something for a short. After torecan good memories had been one of things which had keept me alive, i could had imagine my past and i had felt it, i had had a beautiful feelings related with my past and loging for it and regret for what I had lost. I cant feel i had been better in my past. I have no feel for what i lost, i have no regreting for my sexualy dysfuction and emotional numbness and i have no good feels related with it and i barely can remeber it. I have no feel for what i had had and for what i lost, so i have no regreting or loging btw ability for remebering is realy bad. I cant conect with my past so i cant connect with my present, i cant connect with my present generaly and with my life. My emotional numbess/ disconection are pretty bad, ability to imaging are bad and i have a lot of blocking of thoughts. Often i cant think about something. I have thoughts loss with emotions loss. During day i am suicial and i feel horible on some strage nubmed way (it is one of the worst feels i have ever ecpirienced and it makes me closer by suicide more than ever!!) or i have a periods during day when i feel absulutly nothing which i hate so bad or i sometimes get fake careless and "happiness" which i hate bad too. I still have anger on some strange way. When i think about suicide i have no strong despair which urges me to do it and no strong regreting for own life loss which stops me, i both had had before the last worsening. But i have sample urge to end this hell which i cant feel propety due numbness. Often i feel horible in way which i have never felt before the last worsening and it is one of the worst things I have ever felt and it makes me suicidal. Although i have bad numbs i am closer to suicide more than ever, my life have been empty and pointless more than ever. Often during day i wish i am dead. Often after i wake up i regret i wake up and i exist on this way. I often hate i breath, i exist. I could regret about this because it is a simple, non strong regreting. During day i feel sorry i ended up like tihs but i cant help myself. I often cant regret for what I lost due loss ability to feel regreting and ability to think about what i lost. Before the worsenig I had felt other people have a better live and I had envied them. Now i have no feel other people have a better lives and I cant feel envy, the worst thing I have no feel i have ever better life and cant regret for lost and I cant cant loging for my old beautifull live, i cant feel that beauty anymore. I cant connect with people because of this state. I would like to at least go back in state before the last worsening, i would survive that awful state somehow, i know. But this is so much and just want to end this. After the last worsening i have lost myself completly!!! This is my story. Currently i try stay alive because of my mother. Idk how long i can take this.
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