Discussion Hi everyone

[Mr2005]

I really need to discuss where I 'm at and what I 'm supposed to be doing because I feel completely stuck but I also feel incapable of expressing myself. I just sit here smoking joint after joint hoping it will all just go away but it doesn't and I 've got various pressures closing in on me. I have to get myself together before I can end it that's the problem but instead I'm making myself worse and worse so that if given the opportunity I wouldn't hesitate but I don't have that opportunity. As I say things don't just happen I have to make them but it's hard being motivated to end your life. It's more the kind of thing you do when you don't have the energy left to get out of bed. I don't know what to do. I promised my girlfriend I'd try getting her pregnant but so far it hasn't worked and I don't know how much longer I can keep going. It isn't fun for me nothing is. I feel bad for her, all I do is make her miserable. It wasn't fair for me to allow her to get this attached. Maybe I thought there was a chance, a glimmer of hope but there really isn't. Nothing can ever make up for what I 've done. I just want to give sperm to a sperm bank then she can use it whenever but it costs money. It also means being together enough to sort it out and I 'm not. I can't emphasise enough how shambolic my life is. No job, sleep all day, don't see anyone not even my girlfriend more than once or twice a week and smoke enough weed to stop me from ever functioning. I'm just doing what I did in the past which was to procrastinate and not do what needed to be done. That's what I can't live with and why I now somehow need to find the energy to do what needs doing now. In the process of doing that will I give myself reason to go on? I don't want it, it doesn't do any good and just prolongs the inevitable suffering. I'd rather die now at my lowest point while theres nothing to hold on for. Except there is. Not reasons to live just things to clear up that I won't care about once I'm dead but I do whilst I 'm still alive. For one thing finding an available means. I'm pathetic but I just cannot be arsed. I wish it was easy but nothing in life is including death

 

[Ben]

Hey nice to meet you. Finding the energy to do what need to be done can be hard, or even impossible. If you do though, I wouldn't be scared of maybe stumbling upon a reason to live. I know you don't want it, but don't fear it. Your mentality will be changed if you find that reason anyway.

For most people, Suicide doesn't not come easy. There is mental and physical planning and preparation you'll probably need to do. Planning out the "how" and "when" can give you a lot to reflect on, and helps put things in perspective. The more "real" suicide becomes to you, the more you'll know if it's right for you.

Keeping it as a subconscious fail safe could only lead to extending a life pain. Don't let suicide be hiding in the back of your mind when you are struggling. Confront it head on, find out if this thing you've been wondering about for so long, is a viable solution to your problems. Find out sooner then later, because relying on a "exit button" that may not work you, will only lead to more hurt.

 

[Mr2005]

Hi, thanks. Even though I really can't be bothered leaving the house my girlfriends on her way to pick me up. Todays the day and the quicker we get it to work the better

 

[Mr2005]

Well we tried so fingers crossed. She wants me to stick around for the duration of the pregnancy, I 'm not sure I can do that. I don't even want to see next year. Just had my bitch mother come over unannounced. I see red when I see her, can't stand the sight of her. It's better to kill myself than her

 

[Susannah]

I can relate, have no boyfriend though and already a son (my main concern if I chose death). I'm in pain everyday, chronic, due to severe bone damage. No job, money. Friends can't stand my complaints, and I don't have much family. I hate waking up, realising I'm still alive, and have to face another shitty day. I don't smoke weed, but use Valium and painkillers to cope.

Maybe you should consider not having a child? It's probably not a good solution for your problems, and definitely not the best for your child or girlfriend. My best wishes for you.

 

[MachineGunDani]

Kids complicate things greatly and u don't want the guilt of having a kid and wanting to ctb. It's a horrible feeling!

 

[Mr2005]

She was saying how my benefit money will stop if I don't make appointment. I don't care, nothing is worth having to come face to face with the person who failed you and is clearly just looking for an excuse to see you. I don't ever want to see her again. I 'm reminded of my own failings when I see her too. Same with the mental health services and how incompetent they are. Makes me feel so fucking stupid I could just shoot myself (if I had a gun). I can't bear it, this has broken me and my relationships with those around me. Time is of the essense and I 've certainly wasted enough of it. What I need to do is get my girlfriend pregnant, sort out a way to kill myself then find out if anyone would have done plastic surgery in that order. That was what this whole thing was about. The anger that no one helped with it and that I didn't just sort it myself when I was younger. Instead I 've been to hell and back. I don't deserve sympathy. I'm the victim but also the perpetrator. It's why I don't usually go into details. The answers will only confirm it's as bad as I think it is. I don't want anyone to lie but I don't really need that either. Fourteen years after the fact and I still don't really know if anyone would operate, that's the worst. Not just that I didn't do it but that it remains undone. It may sound strange but I don't want the answer to be yes. If it's no I might just be able to live with it. If it's yes it could have been done all along and I won't be able to live with that. I've no intention of having it done now I just have to know even if the answer kills me. It's killing me not knowing

 

[Mr2005]

I've just seen the replies. This isn't for me it's for her. By her own admission her biological clock is ticking and if it's not now it's not ever. I don't want to leave her alone and it will be nice for something of me to live on

 

[Mr2005]

I want to keep this thread going just incase anyone has anything to say on the matter who otherwise might not notice

 

[DeletedUser4739]

I want to keep this thread going just incase anyone has anything to say on the matter who otherwise might not notice

I may have misunderstood, but it sounds like your gf is not yet pregnant. If that is the case, please do not bring a child into this. As the adult child of a mentally ill parent, I sincerely beg you, do not bring a child into this.

 

[Mr2005]

Hey thanks for the reply. I can assure you (mostly) that it's not hereditary. It's the wonky face I'd be most bothered about passing on but she seems to find me good looking enough to mate with so...I told her if it's obvious from birth to do something about it then. I don't want what happened to me to happen to them. I see it in my own dad and really he never should have had children or at the very least actually help me fix it but he had to live with it why not me was his attitude. If this was about what I want I wouldn't be doing this. I'm doing this for her. Me killing myself is going to be hard enough on her as it is. Really I never should have got involved but it's too late for that now. It's the least of my mistakes

 

[Smilla]

I've just seen the replies. This isn't for me it's for her. By her own admission her biological clock is ticking and if it's not now it's not ever. I don't want to leave her alone and it will be nice for something of me to live on

Your consciousness can't live on in your genes, my friend. Dead is dead.

 

[Smilla]

I may have misunderstood, but it sounds like your gf is not yet pregnant. If that is the case, please do not bring a child into this. As the adult child of a mentally ill parent, I sincerely beg you, do not bring a child into this.

This.

 

[Mr2005]

Your consciousness can't live on in your genes, my friend. Dead is dead.

You know what I mean

 

[DeletedUser4739]

You know what I mean

I don't know that's the case. I'm just going to be really frank with you here. My intent is not to hurt you or add to your burden. You and your girlfriend are not thinking clearly in regard to wanting to bring a child into the world. Her clock may be ticking, what's to say she will even get pregnant? Furthermore, if she does and she's over 35, the pregnancy is considered geriatric, yes that's the very word the medical professionals use. A geriatric pregnancy puts the mother and baby at risk for so many things, including death for both of them. You think your suicide will help any potential problems there? Now say she does manage to carry and give birth to a child. We're still in the beginning stages of learning about the human genome and mental health. You cannot say whether or not either or you may be passing on problematic genes. Not that this in and of itself is a reason not to have a child, but it's certainly something to consider. Finally, imagine the day when someone has to explain to your child what happened to his father and likely what suicide is. Picture what a child's response would be. These are all things that come to mind when I think about what you've written here. I can only hope you will seriously consider what I have written as well.

 

[Desperate_Soul]

Does your girlfriend know you're suicidal? What if she's trying to 'fix' your guys' relationship seeing how you've been distant with her and isolating yourself. Maybe she thinks having a child will make you more involved in her life.

Edit: ...AND change your mind about suicide and perspectives of life for the better.

 

[Mr2005]

I fully expected not everyone would support the idea and that's fine I see where you're coming from. I'm doing it for the right reasons even if it doesn't seem like the best idea. The main thing giving me a change of heart is I just don't know how much longer I can keep going. It might not work you're right, it hasn't so far. I know I 'd be better leaving her now and in theory she might still have time to find someone who wants one but I know she won't

 

[Mr2005]

Does your girlfriend know you're suicidal? What if she's trying to 'fix' your guys' relationship seeing how you've been distant with her and isolating yourself. Maybe she thinks having a child will make you more involved in her life.

She knows the score and I feel bad for her. I need to do something right

 

[DeletedUser4739]

Does your girlfriend know you're suicidal? What if she's trying to 'fix' your guys' relationship seeing how you've been distant with her and isolating yourself. Maybe she thinks having a child will make you more involved in her life.

More good questions to carefully consider.

 

[Morning Angel]

I'm confused about what advice you're seeking from us OP.

Are you asking us if you should keep trying to live and have a child with your girlfriend? Or impregnate your girlfriend then CTB? Or not impregnate your girlfriend and then CTB? And how does benefit money impact your decision? Or plastic surgery? Who are you implying needs plastic surgery?

Sorry I've read all your posts now and I still do not fully grasp what is happening. If you can clarify what you are asking, it can help us figure out how to help you.

 

[Mr2005]

I just needed to get some things off my chest. Had no real expectations as to what I wanted back. Anywhere that gives me that outlet and people are willing to chat about it is good in my book

 

[DeletedUser4739]

She knows the score and I feel bad for her. I need to do something right

No woman in the history of the Earth has ever felt a man impregnating her, then leave her to raise the child alone is somehow doing her right.

 

[Mr2005]

Not right just not as wrong as leaving her with no child and the person who was going to give her that gone. Perhaps she'll be the first

 

[windingdown]

Hey nice to meet you. Finding the energy to do what need to be done can be hard, or even impossible. If you do though, I wouldn't be scared of maybe stumbling upon a reason to live. I know you don't want it, but don't fear it. Your mentality will be changed if you find that reason anyway.

For most people, Suicide doesn't not come easy. There is mental and physical planning and preparation you'll probably need to do. Planning out the "how" and "when" can give you a lot to reflect on, and helps put things in perspective. The more "real" suicide becomes to you, the more you'll know if it's right for you.

Keeping it as a subconscious fail safe could only lead to extending a life pain. Don't let suicide be hiding in the back of your mind when you are struggling. Confront it head on, find out if this thing you've been wondering about for so long, is a viable solution to your problems. Find out sooner then later, because relying on a "exit button" that may not work you, will only lead to more hurt.

That is great advice.

If it helps,
(a) you didn't ask to be here (be born);
(b) we're all subject to the machinations of our own faulty biology, and to circumstances outside of our control;
(c) it's not your fault (even if it is; see (b);
(d) you're in good company.

 

[StarDust]

Sorry but my two cent is this and it will be harsh:

1) You should not be bringing a child into this world you intend to have nothing to do with.
2) If you know that you are unstable and plan to kill yourself, again, you should not be trying to create life...hereditary genes or not. That is selfish.
3) You are NOT the only man in the world she an have a child with....bio clock ticking or not. Hell there was a 62 yr old woman that gave birth several years ago. Half of Hollywood is well over the hills of "child baring" and yet they are still doing it.
4) You did not asked to be put here on this Earth and look at you, you are miserable being here...you want to do the same thing to your offspring?
5) You are worried about they might inherit some looks that you do not like...just another reason to add to my point.

Sorry but all I am hearing is selfishness on both you and your girlfriends part.

There, I said my peace may the ppl on this board be PO'ed at me. Have at it!

 

[whatmattersmost]

Sorry but my two cent is this and it will be harsh:

1) You should not be bringing a child into this world you intend to have nothing to do with.
2) If you know that you are unstable and plan to kill yourself, again, you should not be trying to create life...hereditary genes or not. That is selfish.
3) You are NOT the only man in the world she an have a child with....bio clock ticking or not. Hell there was a 62 yr old woman that gave birth several years ago. Half of Hollywood is well over the hills of "child baring" and yet they are still doing it.
4) You did not asked to be put here on this Earth and look at you, you are miserable being here...you want to do the same thing to your offspring?
5) You are worried about they might inherit some looks that you do not like...just another reason to add to my point.

Sorry but all I am hearing is selfishness on both you and your girlfriends part.

There said my peace my the ppl on this board be PO'ed at me. Have at it!

Your my Hero.

 

[Susannah]

She knows the score and I feel bad for her. I need to do something right

You need to do something wright, cause you feel you've failed in so many ways in life? I understand that feeling. But what is wright and what is wrong (morally)... that's one of the grand questions I often ask myself. It seems you really care for your girlfriend, and you want to please her with a child. Both of you forget that it's not a human right having a baby. It's really exhausting raising a child, and when becoming a parent, our life change dramatically. I can of course just speak for myself, but my son's welfare and future is much more important to me than everything else, included myself. So if you wanna end your life, it's way easier without knowing you'll leave your kid alone in this world.