Dear All,
Thanks to the moderators for accepting my request to join the site. I am extremely grateful.
I am planning on CTB by the end of this week using SN. I am waiting for a shipment that should be arriving by Thursday fingers crossed, as this has been delayed by the floods.
Three things:
1. I already attempted suicide two weeks ago, using the stupid method of 60 CoCodomal 30/500 and all that ended up doing was causing severe damage to my liver which seems to be recovering unfortunately from blood tests. I was pressured by the doctor after keeping it quiet as my mum discovered by two days after in my flat bed passed out. I intentionally didn't go to the hospital for at least 72hours as I wanted to do as much damage to my liver as possible in order to die. I only had what I had at the time. I wish I didn't do it this way as this will take me to my second point..
2. My mother. She is a wonderful woman. We have had our ups and downs, but she is such a caring and loving mother. I hate that I am doing this to her, but I cannot pretend anymore and continue living for someone else. Due to the first attempt she has told me how much it will destroy her if I go. I feel terrible guilt and only cry when I think of what I will do to her even though I have already decided. I want to go by the end of this week. I keep reassuring myself that it will hurt for a long while but she will recover. I adore her and when I hear stories of parents that are not loving I wish you could have my mother as it may have saved your lives. How do I deal with this? I wrote a note for when I go, but words only offer limited comfort.
3. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and will ask for some Diazepam which I have previously been prescribed. They may refuse due to my previous suicide attempt, but I hope they prescribe as it very unlikely to OD on 5x5 mg of Diazepam as that is all they prescribe in one round. Also the only AE I have is olanzapine. If so how would you structure my dosage including fasting and the subsequent drinking of the SN?
Thank you friends. I thank you in advance for all your advice. X
Thanks to the moderators for accepting my request to join the site. I am extremely grateful.
I am planning on CTB by the end of this week using SN. I am waiting for a shipment that should be arriving by Thursday fingers crossed, as this has been delayed by the floods.
Three things:
1. I already attempted suicide two weeks ago, using the stupid method of 60 CoCodomal 30/500 and all that ended up doing was causing severe damage to my liver which seems to be recovering unfortunately from blood tests. I was pressured by the doctor after keeping it quiet as my mum discovered by two days after in my flat bed passed out. I intentionally didn't go to the hospital for at least 72hours as I wanted to do as much damage to my liver as possible in order to die. I only had what I had at the time. I wish I didn't do it this way as this will take me to my second point..
2. My mother. She is a wonderful woman. We have had our ups and downs, but she is such a caring and loving mother. I hate that I am doing this to her, but I cannot pretend anymore and continue living for someone else. Due to the first attempt she has told me how much it will destroy her if I go. I feel terrible guilt and only cry when I think of what I will do to her even though I have already decided. I want to go by the end of this week. I keep reassuring myself that it will hurt for a long while but she will recover. I adore her and when I hear stories of parents that are not loving I wish you could have my mother as it may have saved your lives. How do I deal with this? I wrote a note for when I go, but words only offer limited comfort.
3. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and will ask for some Diazepam which I have previously been prescribed. They may refuse due to my previous suicide attempt, but I hope they prescribe as it very unlikely to OD on 5x5 mg of Diazepam as that is all they prescribe in one round. Also the only AE I have is olanzapine. If so how would you structure my dosage including fasting and the subsequent drinking of the SN?
Thank you friends. I thank you in advance for all your advice. X
Last edited:
