Death_From_Above
Student
- Aug 25, 2018
- 115
Hello,
I've read many interesting and helpful accounts here over the last several hours, so thank you to everyone sharing their stories and insights, your stories have motivated me to share my own.
This community strikes me as very sincere, and I regret not finding it earlier.
I intend to depart either today or tomorrow, I'm kind of riding out the mood. The plan is to go via partial suspension. It's strange, as I always used to be terrified by hanging, but now it almost seems the option I can approach most easily. In that light, I have seen a couple of posts where people are afraid their fixture to attach their rope may be too flimsy. What I have tested as to tie the opposite end of the rope to something sturdy, and just hang that over a door which can be closed, or even locked if you're still worried. Provided your anchor is sturdy, and rope strong enough, it should be a workable solution. Also, I'm using the waistband from a gown, which is also rather flat, so it has no problem fitting over the top of the closed door.
I've attempted via CO in the past, but got cold feet probably just in time. I was rather disoriented, and barely made it out the room where I had my BBQ. Also, my method may not have been well refined, as there was a lot of smoke, and waiting for the bus with burning eyes isn't the best way to keep yourself at ease
Anyway, I ended a serious relationship at the start of the year, and also quit work at about the same time as I was miserable also in part due to my employment circumstances. Though my reason to ctb feels more existential, as I am just becoming more jaded with life as time goes by. I have practically become a recluse, as maintaining face to face relationships have through the last few years just become a chore, and instead of loneliness, I feel that I have just had enough time on this planet, and find less joy in life with each passing day. I also have some identity struggles relating to gender, and don't have the courage to express myself publicly, and admire the stories of all who do, especially the ones shared here regardless of whether the account is in positive or negative experience. I also feel that I may not necessarily be firmly committed to transitioning full time to the opposite end of the gender spectrum, seeing as I'm not dysphoric to the degree where I find no joy in the gender assigned at birth, but ironically my identity feels comfortable at both far ends of the spectrum, depending on my experience at the time, with not much room in between. That does however not grant the satisfaction of as authentic an expression as I would have liked, but I suppose you can't have everything...
I have pretty much reached the end of financial tether, and could not commit to finding other employment, as I could not honestly say that I would have been committed to a new situation. I also feel that this situation helps in strengthening my resolve to end my experience this weekend, and seeing as this is not my first intended bus, I hope it does work out as planned. I do have very supportive family, but could not bare the thought of becoming a burden on them. And terrible as the thought is to cause them suffering through my action, I also have to authentic to myself, and not discount that my own discomfort experienced through life to bring me to this point should cause me to live through an existential suffering that I feel I can no longer bare.
Anyway, that is me in a nutshell. I'll probably still hang around here until I feel that the time has come.
I've read many interesting and helpful accounts here over the last several hours, so thank you to everyone sharing their stories and insights, your stories have motivated me to share my own.
This community strikes me as very sincere, and I regret not finding it earlier.
I intend to depart either today or tomorrow, I'm kind of riding out the mood. The plan is to go via partial suspension. It's strange, as I always used to be terrified by hanging, but now it almost seems the option I can approach most easily. In that light, I have seen a couple of posts where people are afraid their fixture to attach their rope may be too flimsy. What I have tested as to tie the opposite end of the rope to something sturdy, and just hang that over a door which can be closed, or even locked if you're still worried. Provided your anchor is sturdy, and rope strong enough, it should be a workable solution. Also, I'm using the waistband from a gown, which is also rather flat, so it has no problem fitting over the top of the closed door.
I've attempted via CO in the past, but got cold feet probably just in time. I was rather disoriented, and barely made it out the room where I had my BBQ. Also, my method may not have been well refined, as there was a lot of smoke, and waiting for the bus with burning eyes isn't the best way to keep yourself at ease
Anyway, I ended a serious relationship at the start of the year, and also quit work at about the same time as I was miserable also in part due to my employment circumstances. Though my reason to ctb feels more existential, as I am just becoming more jaded with life as time goes by. I have practically become a recluse, as maintaining face to face relationships have through the last few years just become a chore, and instead of loneliness, I feel that I have just had enough time on this planet, and find less joy in life with each passing day. I also have some identity struggles relating to gender, and don't have the courage to express myself publicly, and admire the stories of all who do, especially the ones shared here regardless of whether the account is in positive or negative experience. I also feel that I may not necessarily be firmly committed to transitioning full time to the opposite end of the gender spectrum, seeing as I'm not dysphoric to the degree where I find no joy in the gender assigned at birth, but ironically my identity feels comfortable at both far ends of the spectrum, depending on my experience at the time, with not much room in between. That does however not grant the satisfaction of as authentic an expression as I would have liked, but I suppose you can't have everything...
I have pretty much reached the end of financial tether, and could not commit to finding other employment, as I could not honestly say that I would have been committed to a new situation. I also feel that this situation helps in strengthening my resolve to end my experience this weekend, and seeing as this is not my first intended bus, I hope it does work out as planned. I do have very supportive family, but could not bare the thought of becoming a burden on them. And terrible as the thought is to cause them suffering through my action, I also have to authentic to myself, and not discount that my own discomfort experienced through life to bring me to this point should cause me to live through an existential suffering that I feel I can no longer bare.
Anyway, that is me in a nutshell. I'll probably still hang around here until I feel that the time has come.
