Drifty
...
- Feb 12, 2020
- 10
hey guys,
I am a 21 year old from the north west of England and I have dealt with mental health issues my whole life but only really became aware of what the feelings were when I was around 14.
I haven't had the most comfortable of life. I was physically, mentally and verbally abused by my mother up until I left home when I was 17. She had held a knife to me, beat me, called me names to make me feel like nothing, and managed to push my first relationship away to someone else resulting in her cheating on me. She has lied about cancer and made me believe she was going to die of a brain tumour for 2 years and I failed my college course by wanting to help her. Safe to say she was the start of this journey, especially the PTSD side of things.
My dad hasn't been the best role model, he is a drug user and used to be a bad alcoholic and also abused me at one point. He apologise for it and we are now quite close, but the drugs are still present. I have constant flash backs of these moments.
My sister was a big drug abuser and a serious self harmer causing me to have pretty vibrant and consistent flash backs and PTSD from it. She's tried to kill her self numerous amounts of times and I will never forget every time she has. I see them constantly.
Following my mother's actions and my ex cheating on me, I self sectioned myself for 28 days which turned out to be the worst experience of my life. I witnessed 2 deaths while in there, witnessed constant self harm, fights, abuse from staff, negligence. I hated it and it never helped me at all. I was around the age of 17-18 at this point.
after my ex, I had the odd short relationship which don't mean anything but then i got with someone I did originally think was great, that eventually changed. She began abusing me verbally at first which switched into physical on occasions. Luckily not as frequent as my mother, but nonetheless, abuse is abuse. She also pressured me into smoking weed which led to cigarettes. The weed destroyed my anxiety beyond levels i can explain and i became massively dependant on it. One thing I will thank her for is the cigarettes because they do genuinely help a tonne.
Me and said ex broke up after about 11 months of being together, 7 of those 11 months being abusive and I hated her but i was too scared to say anything. She made everything worse.
After this, I met my current girlfriend, who is genuinely amazing and is a huge support. She's beautiful, and I can't thank her enough for the amount of help she's given me. She does everything for me, but now I have hurt her and put her in such a dark space I will never forgive myself for it. I don't deserve her, or to live for it. I won't go into detail, but I have really damaged her with my actions and my anger issues. I wish there was a way to fix all of that.
I am in a very constant dark place of depression and anxiety, i have constant flashbacks of previous events which send me off, i have daily panic attacks which i don't tell anyone about, weekly mental breakdowns which I keep quiet also because i am ashamed of being the mess I am.
I am here for help, and to help others, i love to help others and to make them smile when I can, so thats why I am here.
I hope i meet some amazing people here, especially considering we are all very similar people.
much love, drifty.
I am a 21 year old from the north west of England and I have dealt with mental health issues my whole life but only really became aware of what the feelings were when I was around 14.
I haven't had the most comfortable of life. I was physically, mentally and verbally abused by my mother up until I left home when I was 17. She had held a knife to me, beat me, called me names to make me feel like nothing, and managed to push my first relationship away to someone else resulting in her cheating on me. She has lied about cancer and made me believe she was going to die of a brain tumour for 2 years and I failed my college course by wanting to help her. Safe to say she was the start of this journey, especially the PTSD side of things.
My dad hasn't been the best role model, he is a drug user and used to be a bad alcoholic and also abused me at one point. He apologise for it and we are now quite close, but the drugs are still present. I have constant flash backs of these moments.
My sister was a big drug abuser and a serious self harmer causing me to have pretty vibrant and consistent flash backs and PTSD from it. She's tried to kill her self numerous amounts of times and I will never forget every time she has. I see them constantly.
Following my mother's actions and my ex cheating on me, I self sectioned myself for 28 days which turned out to be the worst experience of my life. I witnessed 2 deaths while in there, witnessed constant self harm, fights, abuse from staff, negligence. I hated it and it never helped me at all. I was around the age of 17-18 at this point.
after my ex, I had the odd short relationship which don't mean anything but then i got with someone I did originally think was great, that eventually changed. She began abusing me verbally at first which switched into physical on occasions. Luckily not as frequent as my mother, but nonetheless, abuse is abuse. She also pressured me into smoking weed which led to cigarettes. The weed destroyed my anxiety beyond levels i can explain and i became massively dependant on it. One thing I will thank her for is the cigarettes because they do genuinely help a tonne.
Me and said ex broke up after about 11 months of being together, 7 of those 11 months being abusive and I hated her but i was too scared to say anything. She made everything worse.
After this, I met my current girlfriend, who is genuinely amazing and is a huge support. She's beautiful, and I can't thank her enough for the amount of help she's given me. She does everything for me, but now I have hurt her and put her in such a dark space I will never forgive myself for it. I don't deserve her, or to live for it. I won't go into detail, but I have really damaged her with my actions and my anger issues. I wish there was a way to fix all of that.
I am in a very constant dark place of depression and anxiety, i have constant flashbacks of previous events which send me off, i have daily panic attacks which i don't tell anyone about, weekly mental breakdowns which I keep quiet also because i am ashamed of being the mess I am.
I am here for help, and to help others, i love to help others and to make them smile when I can, so thats why I am here.
I hope i meet some amazing people here, especially considering we are all very similar people.
much love, drifty.
