Overblot
Member
- Sep 17, 2023
- 8
Hey everyone. I found this site about 2 weeks ago and had to register again, therefore all of my posts are gone, but I guess I never properly said hi anyway so I want to do this now. Also, I want to talk a bit about my previous and failed attempt. (+ sorry for my english; it's not my native language).
I was in a psych ward when I was 18 bc of my depressions. Sadly the uhm... doctors... weren't the best in their job. They didn't take me seriously and believed I was malingering. And bc my parents didn't want me to come back home, the doctor asked me if I was fine with living on the streets, as there would be nothing they could help me with.
Naturally, this wasn't okay with me at all. I was already suicidal before and they basically told me that there exist no help for me. So I booked a room in a hotel and bought one of those disposable grills, lit it up and locked myself inside the bathroom with it.
I... don't know how well it would have worked. But I indeed fell asleep and only woke up in the hospital again. They didn't tell me much. Apparently the hotel owner noticed the smoke and called the fire department. According to my mum who was there when I woke up they had to take me to the hospital in a helicopter. So I guess if it wasn't for the suspected fire it would have worked well?
Nobody spoke with me about it. Nobody mentioned the letter I wrote. It was a weird feeling.
I came back to the psych ward as if nothing had happened, but this time they at least took me seriously. And I somehow managed to survive for the next 12 years.
At this point I want to say that surviving my attempt didn't make things worse. I guess, in a way, it changed things for the better for me. The psych ward isn't all bad. I found friends there and it somewhat helped me cope. They also finally helped me in life; how to find my own apartment, they introduced me to adults who would further support me in finding a job (or going back to school in my case) etc. So the last 12 years definitely weren't all horrible. They probably even were better than the 12 years before.
But I never said that I regret my attempt. I... go along with it. It didn't work, that's it. If it would have worked it would've been fine by me as well. As unfortunately I still don't believe that I belong here. CTB was never a 'what if' thought but more of a 'when' kind of thing. I just endured life longer.
So yeah. My preferred method probably still is co2 poisoning. Probably not in a hotel room (don't want to cause anyone a trauma again, also making up for it cost A LOT I had to pay for afterwards...), maybe inside a tent or something. I only need to find a good spot. It was really peaceful back then... I also know of someone who helped his best friend to CTB with a grill inside his own apartment. So I have high hopes that'll work the next time. But if anyone can share more information about it, please let me know!
And I just noticed that I never talked about this before. So thanks for reading, I guess.
I was in a psych ward when I was 18 bc of my depressions. Sadly the uhm... doctors... weren't the best in their job. They didn't take me seriously and believed I was malingering. And bc my parents didn't want me to come back home, the doctor asked me if I was fine with living on the streets, as there would be nothing they could help me with.
Naturally, this wasn't okay with me at all. I was already suicidal before and they basically told me that there exist no help for me. So I booked a room in a hotel and bought one of those disposable grills, lit it up and locked myself inside the bathroom with it.
I... don't know how well it would have worked. But I indeed fell asleep and only woke up in the hospital again. They didn't tell me much. Apparently the hotel owner noticed the smoke and called the fire department. According to my mum who was there when I woke up they had to take me to the hospital in a helicopter. So I guess if it wasn't for the suspected fire it would have worked well?
Nobody spoke with me about it. Nobody mentioned the letter I wrote. It was a weird feeling.
I came back to the psych ward as if nothing had happened, but this time they at least took me seriously. And I somehow managed to survive for the next 12 years.
At this point I want to say that surviving my attempt didn't make things worse. I guess, in a way, it changed things for the better for me. The psych ward isn't all bad. I found friends there and it somewhat helped me cope. They also finally helped me in life; how to find my own apartment, they introduced me to adults who would further support me in finding a job (or going back to school in my case) etc. So the last 12 years definitely weren't all horrible. They probably even were better than the 12 years before.
But I never said that I regret my attempt. I... go along with it. It didn't work, that's it. If it would have worked it would've been fine by me as well. As unfortunately I still don't believe that I belong here. CTB was never a 'what if' thought but more of a 'when' kind of thing. I just endured life longer.
So yeah. My preferred method probably still is co2 poisoning. Probably not in a hotel room (don't want to cause anyone a trauma again, also making up for it cost A LOT I had to pay for afterwards...), maybe inside a tent or something. I only need to find a good spot. It was really peaceful back then... I also know of someone who helped his best friend to CTB with a grill inside his own apartment. So I have high hopes that'll work the next time. But if anyone can share more information about it, please let me know!
And I just noticed that I never talked about this before. So thanks for reading, I guess.
