Venting hesitant to get better/ late night thoughts

[akrasia]

To reach the point of recovering, the person has to be willing to get better. That's not my case, I'm hesitant to get better. Maybe I'm scared of what lays ahead on life. Or maybe I'm so used to feeling suicidal, depressed that if I recover I won't be the "same". I have very faint memories of when I was "normal", it seems such a blur now.

I only started going to therapy for a month and a half now (1 hour session every week). I was prescribed some antidepressants but stopped taking them after 2 weeks. Mostly because of the side effect but also, I didn't want to be dependent on pills.

Life is truly unfair. I've seen so many wonder, kind people suffer through tremendous pain. While, the "bad" people is living their life hurting other people. Life is full of rough patches, some of us would endure them coming out stronger but, some just gives up. I admire people who stay and fight life, I also admire people who ctb.

When ever I see someone's goodbye thread/ suicide note or self harm scars. I always think to myself, "I wonder what they went through in their life that made them reach to that point." The trauma they went through, the rough patches they have to endure. We never know what a person has went through just by looking at them. It's amazing to think that each and everyone of us have their own problem to fight against. I would love to ask them about their trauma/ bad experience they went through. But, I know it's rude to recall/ rethink about their trauma. I know for a fact I hate thinking about my trauma, it brings me so many stress and anxiety.

It would be cool that whenever someone dies there would be a short video/ movie about their life. All their good/ bad memories beginning to end in a short amount of time frame.



Thank you for listening/ reading, I just wanted to vent out my thoughts. :)

 

[selfhater]

i thought about what u thought especially the short video about everyone's life :( it's sweet and nice for u to think about other's suffer in this way.
i hope everything goes well for u ♡

 

[Inmyhands]

The things you said about good people constantly going through difficult times and bad people always getting what they want is something I also think about a lot. Also really resonated with me that you want to ask about other people's trauma. But as you say, some people would be happy to share but others wouldn't and so it's best to be safe and not to ask. You seem like such a kind and thoughtful person, I'm sorry that life has treated you so badly that you feel the way you do. I love the short video idea of that person's life and their memories. I like to think that their memories flood back to them when they come to CTB, giving them some reprieve in their last moments. I hope something like that happens.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us ♡

 

[NotMeant2B]

My thoughts are very similar to yours. I don't want to get better, I'm too tired for that. Not only for the effort that it involves, but I think life is just not worth it
And to think that many human problems could be solved with the resources we now have, and that we didn't a couple centuries ago. The world has become wicked, humanity is lost (off its track).

And it's true, bad things happen to good people. I know it's not always the case, but I feel that the people we find here tend to belong in that category. People here are sensitive and compassionate --even if they show cynicism and harshness in their words, they want to help-- because they've been through a lot to understand that life is sometimes needlessly brutal. And I like to hear their stories too, because I'd also want to be listened to, without prejudice and without being imposed some generic point of view to justify living, any conveniently advised philosophy, or a given torturous treatment or medication.

There are sometimes I'd like to tell people "you can be honest with yourself, it's ok to get tired of life".