NSFW He's gone, forever. (Vent)

[lovelove416]

TW: cocsa/everything you can think of

When I was twelve I knew a guy online. He knew my age. He was fifteen at the time. It was just after my neighbor died from a train accident. My neighbor was a young child and I barely knew him. I regretted spending all my time inside. Never truly getting to know him. I was almost struck by that same train before in the same scenario, walking to school. So why was it him and not me? He deserved life so much more.

My family life was dysfunctional, not abusive, but not ideal. Socially and academically autism ruined my life. Quiet internal tragedy. So that boy I met online felt like a miracle and a curse. He's the first person I felt I truly fell in love with.

He was a serial sexual abuser online. A complete pervert and outcast. He was infamous on the platform. I was crazy for texting him knowing that. For some reason he was just appealing. He immediately responded when I contacted him, talked to me constantly, I was used to dirty talk from my classmates. So his controversial "humor" was normal to me. I was reluctant of course. But he promised he wouldn't hurt me. We were friends.

It wasn't long before I face revealed to him and asked if he wanted more. He was ecstatic but I took my statement back. Furious, he told me I was an ugly bitch for leading him on. So I took off my shirt and sent him an pic. He demanded no bra in the photo. I did as he asked. He asked for different poses. Told me how beautiful and attractive I was. Sent me a photo of his...member. Told me he felt up my photo. Sent me audio of him pissing. Of his poop. Of his bare bottom. Asked me questions about defecation and peeing. Asked to see me do it. I got mad at him but he told me if I kept talking like that he'd show his member again. Most of our relationship was back and forth arguments.

So I told my cousin and we created a server to hate bomb him with our army of other kids. He was furious. My cousin eventually told my aunt who told my dad. Who called the cops. Who couldn't arrest him because he was a minor. I did an interview with the police. Of course, despite my parents trying to stop me. I continued to contact him in various ways. The photos ended, but we were still in an nonconsensual to dubiously consensual relationship. Classmates found out and whispered his name in my ear. Tormented me. So I stopped school entirely and left town. Did online and stayed inside isolated from the world till highschool, doing nothing but indulge in porn and texting him. I was addicted to him, and I hated him with the malice of none other. When one day...he got banned. Poof, gone forever. No way to contact him. Despite everything he did, I want him back. Even years years years later I still think about him. I look up his profile and look at the deleted account. Why...why did I have to lose him? I want him back. My life is horrible.

 

[Quietist]

This sounds like a trauma-bond.

The common misconception is that a trauma bond is two people bonding over shared trauma-- it's not.

It's actually when the victim of abuse feels emotionally bound to their abuser.

Obviously the situation is complex - you gave informed consent, knowing the guy's reputation, but still chose to engage with him.

However, him being a few years older, he bore the responsibility of integrity and chose to take advantage of your weaknesses.

I say, you need to some self-analysis to ask yourself why you simultaneously feel repulsion and compulsion towards this person.

What do you miss about him? Do you feel like you deserved his behavior towards you? Do you think on a subconscious level you enjoyed the exchanges?

Of course, I'm not saying do this analysis alone, but in conjunction with a therapist, if possible.

 

[lovelove416]

This sounds like a trauma-bond.

The common misconception is that a trauma bond is two people bonding over shared trauma-- it's not.

It's actually when the victim of abuse feels emotionally bound to their abuser.

Obviously the situation is complex - you gave informed consent, knowing the guy's reputation, but still chose to engage with him.

However, him being a few years older, he bore the responsibility of integrity and chose to take advantage of your weaknesses.

I say, you need to some self-analysis to ask yourself why you simultaneously feel repulsion and compulsion towards this person.

What do you miss about him? Do you feel like you deserved his behavior towards you? Do you think on a subconscious level you enjoyed the exchanges?

Of course, I'm not saying do this analysis alone, but in conjunction with a therapist, if possible

Consent is still hard to pin down. It was originally pressured with many other factors. Not mentioned in the op but there was a threat to leak the nudes and ruin my life if I stopped sending. I kinda wish he did sometimes. Because the law would've actually done something. And as silly as it is, maybe we would've met in court.

 

[violetforever]

he sounds like he would be in prison now this reads like one of those true crime youtuber videos.

this is literally one of the most sick in the head people i've ever heard about. u explained that u were extremely young, processing a traumatic event, didn't have the best family situation, struggled socially and were already exposed to sexual talk as well as being made to think that was considered ok for ur age group. anyone else who reads this and is able to think straight would agree that this was and is not love. 12 and 15 are not comparable ages. he used his age and online "notoriety" to manipulate u into being one of his victims. u want him back because he was successful in his ways. he got u to do exactly what a grooming abuser wants. isolation from ur priorities and everyone else in ur life, dependency on him and developing his addictions and perversions for urself. i know u don't feel this way but it is truly for the best that u can never contact him again. u do not need to be linked to a sexual predator. i say this out of genuine affection and fear, please consider getting proper treatment for this. i can't see u overcoming something impactful like this alone.

 

[lovelove416]

he sounds like he would be in prison now this reads like one of those true crime youtuber videos.

this is literally one of the most sick in the head people i've ever heard about. u explained that u were extremely young, processing a traumatic event, didn't have the best family situation, struggled socially and were already exposed to sexual talk as well as being made to think that was considered ok for ur age group. anyone else who reads this and is able to think straight would agree that this was and is not love. 12 and 15 are not comparable ages. he used his age and online "notoriety" to manipulate u into being one of his victims. u want him back because he was successful in his ways. he got u to do exactly what a grooming abuser wants. isolation from ur priorities and everyone else in ur life, dependency on him and developing his addictions and perversions for urself. i know u don't feel this way but it is truly for the best that u can never contact him again. u do not need to be linked to a sexual predator. i say this out of genuine affection and fear, please consider getting proper treatment for this. i can't see u overcoming something impactful like this alone.

I've been doing different therapies and medicines since long before this happened and much more after. None of it seems to work. What's helped the most is getting my cats and focusing on my creative projects. Basically healthy distractions. I think negative thoughts always drives me back to thinking of him. And sometimes positive concepts like love. But I think desire is the more fitting word.

 

[KitSych]

How old are you now?

 

[violetforever]

I've been doing different therapies and medicines since long before this happened and much more after. None of it seems to work. What's helped the most is getting my cats and focusing on my creative projects. Basically healthy distractions. I think negative thoughts always drives me back to thinking of him. And sometimes positive concepts like love. But I think desire is the more fitting word.

it takes time but it sounds like ur headed in the right direction

 

[lovelove416]

How old are you now

Eighteen.