OopsIdidntwanttodie
Ctb by the 20th of December
- Oct 11, 2020
- 137
Here is my letter. It's kinda long so I understand if nobody reads it, but it feels good to me.
I finally realized what I meant by the words "I can't feel anything." I found that phrase very contradictory because, yes, I can still feel sadness, pain, and guilt. I know because whenever I reflect on everything that has brought me to this moment, and when I think about what I will be leaving behind and missing out on, I feel all those emotions. But that's it. I can't feel the joys of this world. I can't feel the warmth, love, comfort, or happiness around me. To me, I figured that was why it especially hurt a lot. I am not doing this to myself on purpose, I don't want to be like this. It feels hopeless when I try to do things that are engaging and productive because I feel like I'm not getting the most out of it in the way that I am right now. These activities and practices are in theory supposed to make me feel better and feel normal. In the end, I am still like this. It hurts because I am actually trying and putting in the effort to feel at least okay and functional. I even put forth the attitude for it too.
My time is drawing near. Today is the 8th of December. I have 12 more days until I'm gone. Sometimes I feel really anxious about it, but most times I feel at ease. When I don't have school or work stressing me out, I have time to think. I wonder if these things will be the last things I do, and they're all things that are little and insignificant to someone. But to me, they're everything, and they are my last moments. Only I know how I spent my time up until my last breath, while others would be speculating. They're special, and it's like a secret. For anyone wondering what is going through my mind, let me try to explain. I feel like this is right for me. I have attempted to take my life multiple times every single year, promising myself in the end that I was going to wait it out, and that there was still hope. But here I am now, in a worse state. In all my years of being suicidal, I have never been able to fully understand what it was like to actually lose the will to live, and actually lose all sense of hope. And that makes sense. I knew that I was just being a kid at the time, and that's why all my attempts were impulsive and never successful. It's because I felt like I still had more to go through in this life, I was scared…and I still had hope.
Now here I am. And I am at the point in my life where I lost all hope. The only difference this time around is that I wasn't impulsive, and I spent all this time reflecting on my life, and what I could do now. I tried to be more logical with my approach and think about the pros and cons of this life, and how I could improve past this state. I watched a lecture on the philosophy of death, and I tried to make sense of whether my death would be logical or illogical. I came to the conclusion that it was hard to measure the amount of mental pain I was in and make a prediction, whereas a person with a terminal illness would be able to predict their future and make that decision for themselves before things got worse.
Right now, I feel that the anguish I will have to endure for X amount of years is not worth the small possibility of happiness that typically lasts for a short time. Based on that lecture, in this scenario where life is unlivable for a longer time than it is livable, the professor said that death was logical. My driving force in my life was to make my own family that I could be happy with. I wanted to give love as much as I wanted to receive it. I wanted to be a cheesy and overly loving mom and wife. I wanted a love that would last until I died. But only now did I realize how delusional I was. That only exists in the movies, or with few privileged people. Not only that, but the world is corrupt with suffering. I soon found myself hating the idea of having children. Yes, I wanted to love, but it's selfish to bring a human into a world for my own desire. I could give them love but I can't protect them from being exposed to tainted media, sexual exploitation, and other kids that will ruin them. I don't know what I would do if my own child was going through what I am right now. Nobody deserves this, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Before I could even think about kids, I'd have to find a partner. Who knows how many more times I will be taken advantage of, cheated on, and abused, just to find one person? By then I would be so traumatized. I already am. So why would I want to go through more trauma? Sure, I don't need a partner, but the longing will always be there. The emotional and physical needs will be there, I am a human after all.
To add on, with or without the date I set to die, I have the most horrific feeling of dread because I feel like I'm running out of time. Running out of time to figure out what I want to do in life, running out of time to get better, running out of time to feel normal again, running out of time to turn things around, and etc. I can't keep up with everything happening around me. I don't know who I am. I lost the love of my life during the most crucial time of my life. I lost my vision for the future. I lost my will to keep going. I lost my hope, and I'm running out of time to get back on track without falling behind. The reason why I need to die on the 20th is that I don't want to drag this out any longer and waste anyone else's time. I don't want to start another school year, I don't want to put up a fake act any longer, and I don't want to kill myself after a year when all of this will be irrelevant to others. The only thing that pushed me and made me functional was knowing that this would all soon come to an end. There is no doubt that I would not be this functional if faced with another year. I physically and mentally can't.
So that begs the question, how much drama and suffering do I really need to justify an end to this. How much pain until it's logical? I don't know. In the end, it's measured by how willing I am to take another gamble and hope for the best. Sad thing is, I'm out of money and I'm stripped bare. That's why I've been waiting for so long for something to reel me back in and want to keep fighting this. And I have been fighting my whole life. I could only be strong for so long. I'm sorry. But this is it.
Thanks for reading if you made it to the end!!!
:) Does it sound final enough? Am I missing anything?
I finally realized what I meant by the words "I can't feel anything." I found that phrase very contradictory because, yes, I can still feel sadness, pain, and guilt. I know because whenever I reflect on everything that has brought me to this moment, and when I think about what I will be leaving behind and missing out on, I feel all those emotions. But that's it. I can't feel the joys of this world. I can't feel the warmth, love, comfort, or happiness around me. To me, I figured that was why it especially hurt a lot. I am not doing this to myself on purpose, I don't want to be like this. It feels hopeless when I try to do things that are engaging and productive because I feel like I'm not getting the most out of it in the way that I am right now. These activities and practices are in theory supposed to make me feel better and feel normal. In the end, I am still like this. It hurts because I am actually trying and putting in the effort to feel at least okay and functional. I even put forth the attitude for it too.
My time is drawing near. Today is the 8th of December. I have 12 more days until I'm gone. Sometimes I feel really anxious about it, but most times I feel at ease. When I don't have school or work stressing me out, I have time to think. I wonder if these things will be the last things I do, and they're all things that are little and insignificant to someone. But to me, they're everything, and they are my last moments. Only I know how I spent my time up until my last breath, while others would be speculating. They're special, and it's like a secret. For anyone wondering what is going through my mind, let me try to explain. I feel like this is right for me. I have attempted to take my life multiple times every single year, promising myself in the end that I was going to wait it out, and that there was still hope. But here I am now, in a worse state. In all my years of being suicidal, I have never been able to fully understand what it was like to actually lose the will to live, and actually lose all sense of hope. And that makes sense. I knew that I was just being a kid at the time, and that's why all my attempts were impulsive and never successful. It's because I felt like I still had more to go through in this life, I was scared…and I still had hope.
Now here I am. And I am at the point in my life where I lost all hope. The only difference this time around is that I wasn't impulsive, and I spent all this time reflecting on my life, and what I could do now. I tried to be more logical with my approach and think about the pros and cons of this life, and how I could improve past this state. I watched a lecture on the philosophy of death, and I tried to make sense of whether my death would be logical or illogical. I came to the conclusion that it was hard to measure the amount of mental pain I was in and make a prediction, whereas a person with a terminal illness would be able to predict their future and make that decision for themselves before things got worse.
Right now, I feel that the anguish I will have to endure for X amount of years is not worth the small possibility of happiness that typically lasts for a short time. Based on that lecture, in this scenario where life is unlivable for a longer time than it is livable, the professor said that death was logical. My driving force in my life was to make my own family that I could be happy with. I wanted to give love as much as I wanted to receive it. I wanted to be a cheesy and overly loving mom and wife. I wanted a love that would last until I died. But only now did I realize how delusional I was. That only exists in the movies, or with few privileged people. Not only that, but the world is corrupt with suffering. I soon found myself hating the idea of having children. Yes, I wanted to love, but it's selfish to bring a human into a world for my own desire. I could give them love but I can't protect them from being exposed to tainted media, sexual exploitation, and other kids that will ruin them. I don't know what I would do if my own child was going through what I am right now. Nobody deserves this, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Before I could even think about kids, I'd have to find a partner. Who knows how many more times I will be taken advantage of, cheated on, and abused, just to find one person? By then I would be so traumatized. I already am. So why would I want to go through more trauma? Sure, I don't need a partner, but the longing will always be there. The emotional and physical needs will be there, I am a human after all.
To add on, with or without the date I set to die, I have the most horrific feeling of dread because I feel like I'm running out of time. Running out of time to figure out what I want to do in life, running out of time to get better, running out of time to feel normal again, running out of time to turn things around, and etc. I can't keep up with everything happening around me. I don't know who I am. I lost the love of my life during the most crucial time of my life. I lost my vision for the future. I lost my will to keep going. I lost my hope, and I'm running out of time to get back on track without falling behind. The reason why I need to die on the 20th is that I don't want to drag this out any longer and waste anyone else's time. I don't want to start another school year, I don't want to put up a fake act any longer, and I don't want to kill myself after a year when all of this will be irrelevant to others. The only thing that pushed me and made me functional was knowing that this would all soon come to an end. There is no doubt that I would not be this functional if faced with another year. I physically and mentally can't.
So that begs the question, how much drama and suffering do I really need to justify an end to this. How much pain until it's logical? I don't know. In the end, it's measured by how willing I am to take another gamble and hope for the best. Sad thing is, I'm out of money and I'm stripped bare. That's why I've been waiting for so long for something to reel me back in and want to keep fighting this. And I have been fighting my whole life. I could only be strong for so long. I'm sorry. But this is it.
Thanks for reading if you made it to the end!!!
:) Does it sound final enough? Am I missing anything?
