Holy shit I am stressed out. This bipolar woman falsely accused me of lying and this was horrible for my mental health. College has started since last week and tomorrow gonna be rough. I am scared this incident will further destabilize me.
"Here is why I prefer posting in this forum instead of writting it down for my own on paper" this was the intial title of this thread but it does not fully fit anymore
There are many things I could talk about. I had a party with my best friends and it was great. One of the best days of the whole year for sure. One of my college friends also was there.
I post my threads in this forum daily but I barely interact with others not everyone will like that. I tried to interact a little bit more which I did. But I usually don't comment on responses. I read them in most cases but I don't start a discussion.
I am not sure why exactly. I am scared to get into arguments is one reason. There is a relief inside myself when I post my threads but interacting seemingly does not give me that much. But I am also genuinely anxious about interacting with people. This is also a major reason why I ruminated so much about college today. I will have to interact with a lot of people soon. Sometimes online and sometimes offline. It depends on the circumstances I won't go into details but sometimes I struggle more in real life than online and vice versa. I am anxious as fuck about the anxiety that I will have in my social interaction because often it leads to a cluster fuck. I think one lecturer was very concerned about my social awkwardness in one situation because it was very weird. I felt so embarrassed. I am very sensitve to shame and it can torture for a very long time when I act weird which I often do. But people usually don't care. However I impressed that lecturer with my knowledge. My brain sometimes just stops to work. My self-consciousness is paralyzing or maybe I am just losing my shit and go nuts. Slowly but surely.
I certainly deteriorated in my ability to interact with people. It happened after my second psychosis when I did not take my medication one year long. However I also thought a lot about my pathologies. I tried to analyze my manic behavior to prevent that something like that could ever happen again. The time prior to my self-awareness that my brain can become manic was way easier for me. I was carefree and could simply do what feels good or right. Though I should not listen simply to what "feels good". Being manic can feel amazing but I will always crash eventually, experience extreme psychsomatic pain and probably kill myself. Becoming cautious about the manic state fueled my anxiety. After my mania I experienced extremely strong psychosomatic pain for a very long time. I am so so fucking scared about that pain.
Others like to induce mania however I have come to the conclusion it simply is not worth it. This might be one reason why I am so anxious.
I tend to overthink situations and how others perceive me. I try to break it down to microexpressions which is pretty impossible. I am pretty good at rhethoric and know how to use language to create a certain impression at the same time I tend to overestimate me in this instance. Many complimented me for my language and I am pretty good at dropping jokes in a certain way in real life. However in front of crowds I could never do that. I just freeze. Online crowds are seemingly worse (when I have to speak with my voice). It is weird instead of getting better the anxiety gets worse online. Before I started college it was way easier for me. But there were some instances online where I acted weird and every single experience let my fear grow bigger. I am pretty pretty scared about it.
Also the interactions in this forum are getting more difficult for me on some levels. I am paranoid I could give a wrong reaction to someone. Insulting someone accidentally when I misclick. I am generally scared to give likes. I only do that reaction when it is really necessary. The hug emoji instead is very harmless and barely can be misused so I give that more often. I explained some of my fears about the social interactions in college and anxiety in such situations and my best friend was shocked how severe my anxiety is in such situations. I have really very very high anxiety.
I have also developed several further anxieties about this forum. I check my post several times in a ridiculous way whether I might have doxxed myself. I am scared to edit the post without checking it several times afterwards. Yeah I know this sounds all pretty concerning. And it is certainly concerning. But I have even way worse issues in my life. This rather can be called extreme overthinking. Even if I take benozs I am still anxious as fuck. Nothing helps. Especially prior to exams it is through the roof.
So this thread became a justification why I barely interact with other people on here. I am also scared to be seen as either pro-death or pro-life. Like I am literally anxious about literally everything.
I still like to interact with people on here but only in small dosage so that I can stomach them. When I lose the grip with reality completely people have hinted that in the past to me and the feedback helped me a lot. I can reflect better when I post these thoughts down in a forum.
This bipolar woman writes books about her life that noone will ever read. For me this seems to be sad. It is probably also sad to spam a suicide forum with threads but I get compliments from time to time. And this is good for my self-esteem. Though when people read this thread most people will silently think of me "WTF! What is wrong with this dude." However I am not alone with severe problems in this forum and that comforts me.
I am not sure how many thread I read daily on here maybe 5 I might skim 10. But I usually don't comment due to many reaons but anxiety is one reason. It is also true that I don't want to spend too much time in this forum and spend my time instead to the part which helps me the most in my life.
I think this whole thread was fueled about my anxiety others might dislike because I barely interact with them. This thread simply only consists of anxiety. Well you see the professionals and experts are so right (irony) mentally ill always need a duty and have to be intergrated in the workplace to improve their mental health. Go fuck yourself this does not apply to everyone. Holy shit college started last week and I am already so fucking low. Fuck my life. Will I survive another semester? I will need so fucking much benzos and in the longrun however it will wreck my destroyed nervous system only further. Go fuck my life!
"Here is why I prefer posting in this forum instead of writting it down for my own on paper" this was the intial title of this thread but it does not fully fit anymore
There are many things I could talk about. I had a party with my best friends and it was great. One of the best days of the whole year for sure. One of my college friends also was there.
I post my threads in this forum daily but I barely interact with others not everyone will like that. I tried to interact a little bit more which I did. But I usually don't comment on responses. I read them in most cases but I don't start a discussion.
I am not sure why exactly. I am scared to get into arguments is one reason. There is a relief inside myself when I post my threads but interacting seemingly does not give me that much. But I am also genuinely anxious about interacting with people. This is also a major reason why I ruminated so much about college today. I will have to interact with a lot of people soon. Sometimes online and sometimes offline. It depends on the circumstances I won't go into details but sometimes I struggle more in real life than online and vice versa. I am anxious as fuck about the anxiety that I will have in my social interaction because often it leads to a cluster fuck. I think one lecturer was very concerned about my social awkwardness in one situation because it was very weird. I felt so embarrassed. I am very sensitve to shame and it can torture for a very long time when I act weird which I often do. But people usually don't care. However I impressed that lecturer with my knowledge. My brain sometimes just stops to work. My self-consciousness is paralyzing or maybe I am just losing my shit and go nuts. Slowly but surely.
I certainly deteriorated in my ability to interact with people. It happened after my second psychosis when I did not take my medication one year long. However I also thought a lot about my pathologies. I tried to analyze my manic behavior to prevent that something like that could ever happen again. The time prior to my self-awareness that my brain can become manic was way easier for me. I was carefree and could simply do what feels good or right. Though I should not listen simply to what "feels good". Being manic can feel amazing but I will always crash eventually, experience extreme psychsomatic pain and probably kill myself. Becoming cautious about the manic state fueled my anxiety. After my mania I experienced extremely strong psychosomatic pain for a very long time. I am so so fucking scared about that pain.
Others like to induce mania however I have come to the conclusion it simply is not worth it. This might be one reason why I am so anxious.
I tend to overthink situations and how others perceive me. I try to break it down to microexpressions which is pretty impossible. I am pretty good at rhethoric and know how to use language to create a certain impression at the same time I tend to overestimate me in this instance. Many complimented me for my language and I am pretty good at dropping jokes in a certain way in real life. However in front of crowds I could never do that. I just freeze. Online crowds are seemingly worse (when I have to speak with my voice). It is weird instead of getting better the anxiety gets worse online. Before I started college it was way easier for me. But there were some instances online where I acted weird and every single experience let my fear grow bigger. I am pretty pretty scared about it.
Also the interactions in this forum are getting more difficult for me on some levels. I am paranoid I could give a wrong reaction to someone. Insulting someone accidentally when I misclick. I am generally scared to give likes. I only do that reaction when it is really necessary. The hug emoji instead is very harmless and barely can be misused so I give that more often. I explained some of my fears about the social interactions in college and anxiety in such situations and my best friend was shocked how severe my anxiety is in such situations. I have really very very high anxiety.
I have also developed several further anxieties about this forum. I check my post several times in a ridiculous way whether I might have doxxed myself. I am scared to edit the post without checking it several times afterwards. Yeah I know this sounds all pretty concerning. And it is certainly concerning. But I have even way worse issues in my life. This rather can be called extreme overthinking. Even if I take benozs I am still anxious as fuck. Nothing helps. Especially prior to exams it is through the roof.
So this thread became a justification why I barely interact with other people on here. I am also scared to be seen as either pro-death or pro-life. Like I am literally anxious about literally everything.
I still like to interact with people on here but only in small dosage so that I can stomach them. When I lose the grip with reality completely people have hinted that in the past to me and the feedback helped me a lot. I can reflect better when I post these thoughts down in a forum.
This bipolar woman writes books about her life that noone will ever read. For me this seems to be sad. It is probably also sad to spam a suicide forum with threads but I get compliments from time to time. And this is good for my self-esteem. Though when people read this thread most people will silently think of me "WTF! What is wrong with this dude." However I am not alone with severe problems in this forum and that comforts me.
I am not sure how many thread I read daily on here maybe 5 I might skim 10. But I usually don't comment due to many reaons but anxiety is one reason. It is also true that I don't want to spend too much time in this forum and spend my time instead to the part which helps me the most in my life.
I think this whole thread was fueled about my anxiety others might dislike because I barely interact with them. This thread simply only consists of anxiety. Well you see the professionals and experts are so right (irony) mentally ill always need a duty and have to be intergrated in the workplace to improve their mental health. Go fuck yourself this does not apply to everyone. Holy shit college started last week and I am already so fucking low. Fuck my life. Will I survive another semester? I will need so fucking much benzos and in the longrun however it will wreck my destroyed nervous system only further. Go fuck my life!
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