Greetings everyone!
This will be a quite long post, it will be about my life, my problems, and the reason why I just can't take it anymore.
If you are not interested, and/or do not want to read that much, just skip
First of all, my apologies for venting, and if my words will be boring... I just want to tell someone all this, just to get it out...
So..where should I start... I am 26 years old, and I live in Romania (but I am Hungarian). I was having some level of depression pretty much my whole life, but usually people never noticed it. Right now, I am facing very serious problems, for more than a year now (more on that later) and everything is falling apart, but who is not close to me, or who I don't let to see that side of my life, would never notice that something is off.
But, basically everything started 8 years ago.
8 years ago, one day after school I was hanging out with some classmates, and some of them wanted to go gambling (on slots) and I decided to go with them, to just look around in the casino and just hang out with them. I had no intention of playing, I even told them many times until that point (they used to play slots sometimes before that day) that gambling is stupid, and that you can only lose, especially in the long run..
But when I was there, at some point, I decided to give it a try..with a small amount of money, I was thinking that I will just try to see how it is, one time can not hurt especially that I am not risking a lot of money...(I lost that day BTW)
That's where it all started..and I gambled again in a couple of days...then again...and again, and again...
And it turned into an addiction. I started gambling even more and more money, up to the point where I just gambled all of my money every time when I entered a casino, and after a time I started borrowing too, borrowing money to gamble with or to solve a problem that I caused by losing the money I had and lost (pay something that I could have payed if I didn't gamble my money in the first place).
And after that first incident 8 years ago, I was gambling with almost no pause for more than 7 years (I quit gambling in March 2020)
And I always created problems because of it..many times I gambled and lost my whole salary...
The thing is, that I know that it is stupid, I also knew it back then. I did my research, I perfectly knew that exactly how do these things work, I know the mechanics, everything.... I just..could not stop....sometimes I was thinking that, I just need to win back a certain amount of money, a fraction of what I lost over the years, and then I could quit... But I just kept going..regardless of wins or losses (even when I won, most of the time I lost if after anyway)
And my addiction created more and more problems for me....which led me to the current situation, where I just can't take it anymore. Where my problems escalated to such an extent that there is no solution.
Around 1.5 or 2 years ago, I was kinda in a big hole financially, so seeing no other solution (especially that I was still addicted), I started to take some loans from different firms, I don't know what their terminology is in other countries, but they are companies that are not banks, but are giving loans to people..at ENORMOUS interest rates, for example, you borrow 1000 today and you have to pay back almost 2000 in 40-45 days. Or there is the worse one, where the numbers were this: they 'loaned' me 2300 (RON), of which I got only 1800 cash, because 500 is some sort of commission that they take at each loan, and I have to pay back approximately 300 each month, for 5 YEARS. Yeah..I know that I was an idiot to agree at such unrealistic terms...I was stupid, and I had problems and I was an addict (and also, I was hoping to later get a loan from a bank, with more realistic terms, of which I would pay these..but I did not get it).
After this, things escalated pretty badly, after some time, I was taking loans from one firm, just so I can pay back the other...and the interest rates and the amounts to pay, just escalated like a snowball up to the point where I just could not pay (especially that they charge extra interest if you are late with the payment). (And I also owed and currently owe money to private persons, most with enormous interest rates as well) And then the Corona F-d me even harder. I was working as a waiter and I lost my job because of the pandemic, and also I got my last salary 6 months later than I should have (my boss sayd that they had no money to pay us). Ever since I was working couple of jobs, which were very low paying, since I have experience and skill only as a waiter or bartender (since for 5 or 6 years, I worked nothing else, only bartending and as waiter), the only thing that I was good at (and only thing that I liked so far).
But I lost my job a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't manage to get a new one since....and even if I got a new job, even if it payed as much as I made as a waiter, or even more (I doubt that this could happen, since I have no experience in anything else), I would still have no hope to pay back all of my debts...and I just can't take it anymore...I did not have a singles calm minute, not even a second for more than a year, and everything is just getting worse...and right now I am so broke that I can not even cover my rent and the basic stuff (I am literally at zero, I have 0 cash on me or anywhere else and zero on my bank account). And I just can't take it..there is no solution, no way out of this...I just want to die..I want all of this to go away...
And even my girlfriend (who I love most in the world) is about to leave me..she doesn't know about all of this..and my consciousness is killing me because I am basically lying to her, but I just can't tell her..this is too bad, too much to drop on a person..like she would 100% leave me and never talk to me again, but also it would crush her, like..even I, sometimes can't even believe all of this..I feel like I am in a horror movie or a nightmare..and I want to wake up, but I can't...
But I am sure that she feels that something is off, and we also had some fights because of money and because lately I am less organised and less responsible and less caring... She just doesn't know about my struggle...doesn't know that in my position it is very hard to focus on anything...
I just can't take this anymore, I just want to jump off a building..I will probably do it in the next few days...it is just, very hard, and it hurts when I think about that how everyone who cares about me, will suffer...
But they suffer anyway..because of me....I am at 26 years old, I am drowning in debt, I accomplished nothing, I am a failure to my parents and to everyone, I am a piece of ****.... Maybe in the long run it would be better for everyone ....
I am sorry, I apologize if I was boring to anyone who took the time to read this...I just wanted to get it out, to tell somebody
This will be a quite long post, it will be about my life, my problems, and the reason why I just can't take it anymore.
If you are not interested, and/or do not want to read that much, just skip
First of all, my apologies for venting, and if my words will be boring... I just want to tell someone all this, just to get it out...
So..where should I start... I am 26 years old, and I live in Romania (but I am Hungarian). I was having some level of depression pretty much my whole life, but usually people never noticed it. Right now, I am facing very serious problems, for more than a year now (more on that later) and everything is falling apart, but who is not close to me, or who I don't let to see that side of my life, would never notice that something is off.
But, basically everything started 8 years ago.
8 years ago, one day after school I was hanging out with some classmates, and some of them wanted to go gambling (on slots) and I decided to go with them, to just look around in the casino and just hang out with them. I had no intention of playing, I even told them many times until that point (they used to play slots sometimes before that day) that gambling is stupid, and that you can only lose, especially in the long run..
But when I was there, at some point, I decided to give it a try..with a small amount of money, I was thinking that I will just try to see how it is, one time can not hurt especially that I am not risking a lot of money...(I lost that day BTW)
That's where it all started..and I gambled again in a couple of days...then again...and again, and again...
And it turned into an addiction. I started gambling even more and more money, up to the point where I just gambled all of my money every time when I entered a casino, and after a time I started borrowing too, borrowing money to gamble with or to solve a problem that I caused by losing the money I had and lost (pay something that I could have payed if I didn't gamble my money in the first place).
And after that first incident 8 years ago, I was gambling with almost no pause for more than 7 years (I quit gambling in March 2020)
And I always created problems because of it..many times I gambled and lost my whole salary...
The thing is, that I know that it is stupid, I also knew it back then. I did my research, I perfectly knew that exactly how do these things work, I know the mechanics, everything.... I just..could not stop....sometimes I was thinking that, I just need to win back a certain amount of money, a fraction of what I lost over the years, and then I could quit... But I just kept going..regardless of wins or losses (even when I won, most of the time I lost if after anyway)
And my addiction created more and more problems for me....which led me to the current situation, where I just can't take it anymore. Where my problems escalated to such an extent that there is no solution.
Around 1.5 or 2 years ago, I was kinda in a big hole financially, so seeing no other solution (especially that I was still addicted), I started to take some loans from different firms, I don't know what their terminology is in other countries, but they are companies that are not banks, but are giving loans to people..at ENORMOUS interest rates, for example, you borrow 1000 today and you have to pay back almost 2000 in 40-45 days. Or there is the worse one, where the numbers were this: they 'loaned' me 2300 (RON), of which I got only 1800 cash, because 500 is some sort of commission that they take at each loan, and I have to pay back approximately 300 each month, for 5 YEARS. Yeah..I know that I was an idiot to agree at such unrealistic terms...I was stupid, and I had problems and I was an addict (and also, I was hoping to later get a loan from a bank, with more realistic terms, of which I would pay these..but I did not get it).
After this, things escalated pretty badly, after some time, I was taking loans from one firm, just so I can pay back the other...and the interest rates and the amounts to pay, just escalated like a snowball up to the point where I just could not pay (especially that they charge extra interest if you are late with the payment). (And I also owed and currently owe money to private persons, most with enormous interest rates as well) And then the Corona F-d me even harder. I was working as a waiter and I lost my job because of the pandemic, and also I got my last salary 6 months later than I should have (my boss sayd that they had no money to pay us). Ever since I was working couple of jobs, which were very low paying, since I have experience and skill only as a waiter or bartender (since for 5 or 6 years, I worked nothing else, only bartending and as waiter), the only thing that I was good at (and only thing that I liked so far).
But I lost my job a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't manage to get a new one since....and even if I got a new job, even if it payed as much as I made as a waiter, or even more (I doubt that this could happen, since I have no experience in anything else), I would still have no hope to pay back all of my debts...and I just can't take it anymore...I did not have a singles calm minute, not even a second for more than a year, and everything is just getting worse...and right now I am so broke that I can not even cover my rent and the basic stuff (I am literally at zero, I have 0 cash on me or anywhere else and zero on my bank account). And I just can't take it..there is no solution, no way out of this...I just want to die..I want all of this to go away...
And even my girlfriend (who I love most in the world) is about to leave me..she doesn't know about all of this..and my consciousness is killing me because I am basically lying to her, but I just can't tell her..this is too bad, too much to drop on a person..like she would 100% leave me and never talk to me again, but also it would crush her, like..even I, sometimes can't even believe all of this..I feel like I am in a horror movie or a nightmare..and I want to wake up, but I can't...
But I am sure that she feels that something is off, and we also had some fights because of money and because lately I am less organised and less responsible and less caring... She just doesn't know about my struggle...doesn't know that in my position it is very hard to focus on anything...
I just can't take this anymore, I just want to jump off a building..I will probably do it in the next few days...it is just, very hard, and it hurts when I think about that how everyone who cares about me, will suffer...
But they suffer anyway..because of me....I am at 26 years old, I am drowning in debt, I accomplished nothing, I am a failure to my parents and to everyone, I am a piece of ****.... Maybe in the long run it would be better for everyone ....
I am sorry, I apologize if I was boring to anyone who took the time to read this...I just wanted to get it out, to tell somebody
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