"I am a pretty fucking sick person."
I considered to end the thread here but how else shall I fill the freetime of this evening?
I considered the quote as a joke answer. There might be some truth in it. I think my illness probably plays a role in that. I have bipolar and it torments me every single day. (By the way I watched the LIl Peep Netflix documentation today fitted to my mood I am very depressed and lonely.) I think I am kind of agitated. And I have a huge drive to do things. I am pretty steadily ruminating about shit. Most of it is very unpleasant which makes me an increasingly insular, self-absorbed and bitter person. I think I suffer a lot. In fact I barely know anyone in real life who is in a similar pain than me. I have met two guys in real life in similar pain. One in a clinic and another guy in my self-help group. We talked about suicide (with the latter guy) and when I looked him in the eye I understood he is deadly serious about it. The guy had a family, money etc. I think if I had a girlfiend I might post less. Or if I was happier I might would need less time to vent. Though I think I am a pretty unhappy person and happiness seems to be unreachable for me. I think I am pretty agitated like all the time. Even when I am in a depressive episode. The pain during these episodes was unimaginable.
One could classify my postings as verbal diarrhea. I think it is a good valve for me. I wish I could use my motivation for even more productive things. Though I am very fragile so I don't have many options. I don't know what I did before finding this forum. Planning my suicide, reading about suicide and depression, watching youtube videos about it. So I was pretty suicidal before joining this community. I think the main reason why I am able to post such much also very long threads is because my brain is wired in the wrong way. It feels kind of hypervigilant, always in high-alert, always in pain, overwhelmed by sorrows, looking for an other option than suicide. Honestly I think my consciousness is a torture chamber. Sedatives help but only the addictive ones help significantly and I am scared about addiction. I feel a lot of hatred for my mom. But she will experience the real consequences for her actions in the future. I am not able to keep my act together forever. We are in huge trouble despite the fact I am the only person in my family who is aware about it. The financial issues will become huge. And there will be fights, blame-games etc. I would feel schadenfreude for my abusive family though I am the person who will be the main target of it. But they will struggle too.
I think I struggle to give me breaks. Ironically writing in this forum is kind of a break for me. Which might sounds contradicting for people looking from the outside on it. I think I order my thoughts while reflecting on my issues when I post here. I think my thinking becomes less fast-racing when I express them. I have to look inside myself and reflect about the day. I often turn pretty depressive in the evening. Each day is like a ride in a rollercoaster. There are many ups and downs. However most of them are downs. I feel a lot of anger towards my mom. I am pretty much in pain currently. I think maybe a state of happiness would let me ruminate less. Sadness can be the driver of many things. Though the process is usually not very pleasant.
I look for words which fit my emotional pain the best. I think I would make a better job in my native language. Though this forum is far more interesting because the users come from all around the world. Suffering might be sublimated into creating of art. Though I don't think my writing can be considered art. I have a very high anxiety level like all the time. I think my consciousness is different to the average consciousness. I had the feeling David Foster Wallace's consciousness might have been a similar torture chamber. But he was way more sophisticated. It is interesting to imagine a usual conciousness and how that would feel like. I could imagine me on a high dosage of benzos had the potential to fix my brain. However I never abuse them. Benzo withdrawal sounds extremely painful. In fact it sounds pretty similar to a crash from mania into depression. The agitation Jordan Peterson described sounded pretty familiar to me. Science should work on creating benozs which can be used longterm. I think this could save many lives though probably this goal is unreachable.
I sometimes read that people describe emptiness in their head. Or very slow thoughts. I barely know that. Maybe for 5 seconds but honestly I think my thoughts are fast racing like always. I am analyzing shit without hesitation. Often my sorrows are driven by neurotic obsessions. I have a lot of OCD and strong pathologies. I think posting in this forum might have become one of them. Lol. Though I have the urge to read my threads afterwards because of some anxiety issues. This forum gives me an option to ruminate about the things that hurt me with people in similar conditions. And I think severe serious suicidality is something most healthy people cannot really comprehend. I met some therapist (the vast majority) who could not deal with people who have the longterm desire to to die. I won't elaborate on that it has nothing to do with the issue. But is probably one reason why I like to post here. I can relate to the pain many people express here. I can relate to suffering like an animal crying for a vet to release it from the constant terror. So the answer is I probably also that can I post so much because it gives me a slight release from all the insane pressure and daily hell that I am experiencing.
I could go on a lot recently. I have some manic symptoms. The last point. I can post so much because I have the bare minimum of stability. I gained more stability closely after I found this forum. (mainly because of other developments). But I think when I am again in extreme pain I won't be able to write so much. Maybe I could write some posts but 98% would be about my desire to kill myself as soon as possible. Which I am kind of planning when that happens but it will be hellish difficult with my family. I am kind of scared to be labeld as pro-death. When i am very suicidal I am very pro-suicide though only about my own death. I don't want to drag other people down. It will be pretty difficult if the time of the inevitable relapse happens. I hope I will be able to kill myself. If I am again in this extreme pain the topics of my threads were way less diverse.
And well the length of my recent threads are kind of arguments that I have serious manic symptoms. But I have already elaborated about these issues in other posts.
I considered to end the thread here but how else shall I fill the freetime of this evening?
I considered the quote as a joke answer. There might be some truth in it. I think my illness probably plays a role in that. I have bipolar and it torments me every single day. (By the way I watched the LIl Peep Netflix documentation today fitted to my mood I am very depressed and lonely.) I think I am kind of agitated. And I have a huge drive to do things. I am pretty steadily ruminating about shit. Most of it is very unpleasant which makes me an increasingly insular, self-absorbed and bitter person. I think I suffer a lot. In fact I barely know anyone in real life who is in a similar pain than me. I have met two guys in real life in similar pain. One in a clinic and another guy in my self-help group. We talked about suicide (with the latter guy) and when I looked him in the eye I understood he is deadly serious about it. The guy had a family, money etc. I think if I had a girlfiend I might post less. Or if I was happier I might would need less time to vent. Though I think I am a pretty unhappy person and happiness seems to be unreachable for me. I think I am pretty agitated like all the time. Even when I am in a depressive episode. The pain during these episodes was unimaginable.
One could classify my postings as verbal diarrhea. I think it is a good valve for me. I wish I could use my motivation for even more productive things. Though I am very fragile so I don't have many options. I don't know what I did before finding this forum. Planning my suicide, reading about suicide and depression, watching youtube videos about it. So I was pretty suicidal before joining this community. I think the main reason why I am able to post such much also very long threads is because my brain is wired in the wrong way. It feels kind of hypervigilant, always in high-alert, always in pain, overwhelmed by sorrows, looking for an other option than suicide. Honestly I think my consciousness is a torture chamber. Sedatives help but only the addictive ones help significantly and I am scared about addiction. I feel a lot of hatred for my mom. But she will experience the real consequences for her actions in the future. I am not able to keep my act together forever. We are in huge trouble despite the fact I am the only person in my family who is aware about it. The financial issues will become huge. And there will be fights, blame-games etc. I would feel schadenfreude for my abusive family though I am the person who will be the main target of it. But they will struggle too.
I think I struggle to give me breaks. Ironically writing in this forum is kind of a break for me. Which might sounds contradicting for people looking from the outside on it. I think I order my thoughts while reflecting on my issues when I post here. I think my thinking becomes less fast-racing when I express them. I have to look inside myself and reflect about the day. I often turn pretty depressive in the evening. Each day is like a ride in a rollercoaster. There are many ups and downs. However most of them are downs. I feel a lot of anger towards my mom. I am pretty much in pain currently. I think maybe a state of happiness would let me ruminate less. Sadness can be the driver of many things. Though the process is usually not very pleasant.
I look for words which fit my emotional pain the best. I think I would make a better job in my native language. Though this forum is far more interesting because the users come from all around the world. Suffering might be sublimated into creating of art. Though I don't think my writing can be considered art. I have a very high anxiety level like all the time. I think my consciousness is different to the average consciousness. I had the feeling David Foster Wallace's consciousness might have been a similar torture chamber. But he was way more sophisticated. It is interesting to imagine a usual conciousness and how that would feel like. I could imagine me on a high dosage of benzos had the potential to fix my brain. However I never abuse them. Benzo withdrawal sounds extremely painful. In fact it sounds pretty similar to a crash from mania into depression. The agitation Jordan Peterson described sounded pretty familiar to me. Science should work on creating benozs which can be used longterm. I think this could save many lives though probably this goal is unreachable.
I sometimes read that people describe emptiness in their head. Or very slow thoughts. I barely know that. Maybe for 5 seconds but honestly I think my thoughts are fast racing like always. I am analyzing shit without hesitation. Often my sorrows are driven by neurotic obsessions. I have a lot of OCD and strong pathologies. I think posting in this forum might have become one of them. Lol. Though I have the urge to read my threads afterwards because of some anxiety issues. This forum gives me an option to ruminate about the things that hurt me with people in similar conditions. And I think severe serious suicidality is something most healthy people cannot really comprehend. I met some therapist (the vast majority) who could not deal with people who have the longterm desire to to die. I won't elaborate on that it has nothing to do with the issue. But is probably one reason why I like to post here. I can relate to the pain many people express here. I can relate to suffering like an animal crying for a vet to release it from the constant terror. So the answer is I probably also that can I post so much because it gives me a slight release from all the insane pressure and daily hell that I am experiencing.
I could go on a lot recently. I have some manic symptoms. The last point. I can post so much because I have the bare minimum of stability. I gained more stability closely after I found this forum. (mainly because of other developments). But I think when I am again in extreme pain I won't be able to write so much. Maybe I could write some posts but 98% would be about my desire to kill myself as soon as possible. Which I am kind of planning when that happens but it will be hellish difficult with my family. I am kind of scared to be labeld as pro-death. When i am very suicidal I am very pro-suicide though only about my own death. I don't want to drag other people down. It will be pretty difficult if the time of the inevitable relapse happens. I hope I will be able to kill myself. If I am again in this extreme pain the topics of my threads were way less diverse.
And well the length of my recent threads are kind of arguments that I have serious manic symptoms. But I have already elaborated about these issues in other posts.
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