Here I go again on this endless cycle of darkness

[WitheringAway]

I left the site for almost a month now when I thought I could try and suppress the suicide thoughts. I tried to be normal I tried to heal I tried to feel ok I tried to be like everyone else but I just fucking can't I'm broken beyond repair nothing will ever fix me. I tried to keep busy.. cook watch anime again sing talk to "friends" but lmao who am I kidding I feel strange and dissociated I feel like a robot eat sleep wake up no job sleep wake up repeat I lost interests I used to love reading and writing now I'm talentless no motivation to do anything I feel like I'm getting dumber and dumber everyday I feel more stupid and less human I feel like a machine soulless empty even my vision I feel like it's literally a tunneled vision I don't pay attention to my surroundings I walk in the streets and I don't notice the world around me I feel like I'm existing in a whole nother dimension realm whatever what tf am I and what happened to me and when did I become a pile mess of confusion and despair?

 

[mr.smileysad]

what you described sounds like disassociation it happens during times of stress and depression it sucks feeling numb and lazy and extremely stupid

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I am zoning out constantly and I have lost all focus and interests years ago, it sometimes feels. When I am around other people, I feel as if I am so much worse than them. I really hate being inside my skin, it is excruciating.

 

[mr.smileysad]

I am zoning out constantly and I have lost all focus and interests years ago, it sometimes feels. When I am around other people, I feel as if I am so much worse than them. I really hate being inside my skin, it is excruciating.

I know exactly how you feel but you sound a bit more extreme than I feel I've just learned to live with it

 

[overcomingfear]

I left the site for almost a month now when I thought I could try and suppress the suicide thoughts. I tried to be normal I tried to heal I tried to feel ok I tried to be like everyone else but I just fucking can't I'm broken beyond repair nothing will ever fix me. I tried to keep busy.. cook watch anime again sing talk to "friends" but lmao who am I kidding I feel strange and dissociated I feel like a robot eat sleep wake up no job sleep wake up repeat I lost interests I used to love reading and writing now I'm talentless no motivation to do anything I feel like I'm getting dumber and dumber everyday I feel more stupid and less human I feel like a machine soulless empty even my vision I feel like it's literally a tunneled vision I don't pay attention to my surroundings I walk in the streets and I don't notice the world around me I feel like I'm existing in a whole nother dimension realm whatever what tf am I and what happened to me and when did I become a pile mess of confusion and despair?

I feel you, live has become monotonous. Just don't think nothing will ever change. After i dropped out of college i stayed home for like a year, didn't work, spent all my time at the computer, days were so short. At the end of summer i went out, got a job, was doubtful, but did it. Next half a year of my life was alright, im hoping now same thing will happen

 

[XYZ]

I can identify with what you are writing. Eat, (not) sleep, work, have anxiety, suffer and think of death. On a loop. Every-fucking-day. The world around me seems unreal.

 

[WitheringAway]

I can identify with what you are writing. Eat, (not) sleep, work, have anxiety, suffer and think of death. On a loop. Every-fucking-day. The world around me seems unreal.

feels like I'm living in a simulated reality

I feel you, live has become monotonous. Just don't think nothing will ever change. After i dropped out of college i stayed home for like a year, didn't work, spent all my time at the computer, days were so short. At the end of summer i went out, got a job, was doubtful, but did it. Next half a year of my life was alright, im hoping now same thing will happen

Hope it works out for ya. I'm hoping for a job but I don't think it would change much tbh

I am zoning out constantly and I have lost all focus and interests years ago, it sometimes feels. When I am around other people, I feel as if I am so much worse than them. I really hate being inside my skin, it is excruciating.

I stopped comparing myself to others because everything they have or do feels pointless and meaningless to me now

 

[overcomingfear]

feels like I'm living in a simulated reality

Hope it works out for ya. I'm hoping for a job but I don't think it would change much tbh

Thanks, hope it goes well for you too. It will occupy ur mind somewhat atleast

 

[Blueman]

I am zoning out constantly and I have lost all focus and interests years ago, it sometimes feels. When I am around other people, I feel as if I am so much worse than them. I really hate being inside my skin, it is excruciating.

This is how I feel though only for 4 months though can see no way out of it

 

[BPD Barbie]

I think many of us can relate to this. I certainly have lost interest in most things and spend a lot of time asleep where I can dream of a better life. Sorry that you have to experience these feelings, they aren't nice at all.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

This is how I feel though only for 4 months though can see no way out of it

Neither can I, sadly. People have been telling me to "snap out of it" for more than a year, and I just cannot do it.

 

[overcomingfear]

I think many of us can relate to this. I certainly have lost interest in most things and spend a lot of time asleep where I can dream of a better life. Sorry that you have to experience these feelings, they aren't nice at all.

More like a lack of feelings haha

 

[Blueman]

Neither can I, sadly. People have been telling me to "snap out of it" for more than a year, and I just cannot do it.

I've actually had a more understanding reaction from friends and family but I suspect they'll eventually get fed up of me .
I've completely changed as a person in the last 4 months

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I've actually had a more understanding reaction from friends and family but I suspect they'll eventually get fed up of me .
I've completely changed as a person in the last 4 months

Did something happen 4 months ago? Some major change of your circumstances?

 

[Blueman]

Did something happen 4 months ago? Some major change of your circumstances?

It was 4 months ago when I realized how difficult it's going to be for me to get a new job having left my old one last year. I travelled and studied for a bit instead of looking for new job straight away.
It's my own fault and has dragged me down into shocking depression hence I'm on here. Big change for me. I can't see me getting a new job anytime with coronavirus and my depression and lack of skills
Have you been working whilst feeling as you are?

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

It was 4 months ago when I realized how difficult it's going to be for me to get a new job having left my old one last year. I travelled and studied for a bit instead of looking for new job straight away.
It's my own fault and has dragged me down into shocking depression hence I'm on here. Big change for me. I can't see me getting a new job anytime with coronavirus and my depression and lack of skills
Have you been working whilst feeling as you are?

I have been working, but I am very unmotivated to do my job. I worked from home for 2 and a half months (from March to May) and I am currently working from home because I am in quarantine, that makes it somewhat easier since I don't have to see other people.

What type of job were you doing 4 months ago? I left my job last year for a few months, took an unpaid leave and planned to move abroad, but then I chickened out of that idea and spent the entire time at home. I returned to work eventually, but I have not been the same person ever since then.

 

[Blueman]

I have been working, but I am very unmotivated to do my job. I worked from home for 2 and a half months (from March to May) and I am currently working from home because I am in quarantine, that makes it somewhat easier since I don't have to see other people.

What type of job were you doing 4 months ago? I left my job last year for a few months, took an unpaid leave and planned to move abroad, but then I chickened out of that idea and spent the entire time at home. I returned to work eventually, but I have not been the same person ever since then.

Oh I'm glad you're working it really does help. I had a boring but ok office job that came to an end May 2019, I was offered the possibility to stay in a different role but for some reason I took a payoff instead and went travelling. I'd already done huge amounts of travel in the past and almost seemed to do this on autopilot rather than thinking about it properly I wish I'd chickened out
Got home in March started looking for work then by May I realised I'd made a dreadful mistake, not only can I not find work I've lost absolutely all confidence and it's killing me that I could now be sat at home working as one main reason I left was the long commute..
I've gone from being an outgoing outdoor guy with many friends to an anxiety filled jobless stay home type.
Are you in quarantine as you've travelled or have you Covid-19 symptoms?

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Oh I'm glad you're working it really does help. I had a boring but ok office job that came to an end May 2019, I was offered the possibility to stay in a different role but for some reason I took a payoff instead and went travelling. I'd already done huge amounts of travel in the past and almost seemed to do this on autopilot rather than thinking about it properly I wish I'd chickened out
Got home in March started looking for work then by May I realised I'd made a dreadful mistake, not only can I not find work I've lost absolutely all confidence and it's killing me that I could now be sat at home working as one main reason I left was the long commute..
I've gone from being an outgoing outdoor guy with many friends to an anxiety filled jobless stay home type.
Are you in quarantine as you've travelled or have you Covid-19 symptoms?

The way I see it, at least you travelled and enjoyed yourself, experienced some good things in life, so it was not all bad.
I understand that you are now regretting your decision to take that payoff, but nobody could have known that this Covid situation would escalate the way it did. It is not your fault that you are unable to find work, I am sure you do have some skills (otherwise you wouldn't be able to keep your previous job, and you wouldn't be offered to stay working there). The fact that you cannot find work now has nothing to do with you personally, Covid is to blame. I get that you are feeling regret regarding leaving your job, but hindsight is 20/20. Maybe if you stayed, you would feel equally bad, thinking about all the travelling you could have done. Whenever we choose something, we discard something else and we tend to wonder about what if's. Try doing some things to regain your confidence, bring a bit of structure into your life, I think that helps a lot.

I was in contact with a person who is infected with Covid, so now I have to self-isolate.

 

[Blueman]

The way I see it, at least you travelled and enjoyed yourself, experienced some good things in life, so it was not all bad.
I understand that you are now regretting your decision to take that payoff, but nobody could have known that this Covid situation would escalate the way it did. It is not your fault that you are unable to find work, I am sure you do have some skills (otherwise you wouldn't be able to keep your previous job, and you wouldn't be offered to stay working there). The fact that you cannot find work now has nothing to do with you personally, Covid is to blame. I get that you are feeling regret regarding leaving your job, but hindsight is 20/20. Maybe if you stayed, you would feel equally bad, thinking about all the travelling you could have done. Whenever we choose something, we discard something else and we tend to wonder about what if's. Try doing some things to regain your confidence, bring a bit of structure into your life, I think that helps a lot.

I was in contact with a person who is infected with Covid, so now I have to self-isolate.
How old are you btw?

Thanks for taking the time to reply thoughtfully like this.
It's interesting your response is very similar to the response I've had from people close to me.
The travelling was good as always I did some amazing stuff but really there are a long list of reasons that made it the wrong decision, which take some believing in their stupidity one being I'm 55!! So I should've known much better.
It's not too old to travel but it is when you are risking your whole future financial security with little chance to rebuild it.

Oh I hopethat you can carry on working from home as long as it suits you.

Where are you from? Is the possibility of going abroad something you ever think about or has that idea just totally gone?

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Thanks for taking the time to reply thoughtfully like this.
It's interesting your response is very similar to the response I've had from people close to me.
The travelling was good as always I did some amazing stuff but really there are a long list of reasons that made it the wrong decision, which take some believing in their stupidity one being I'm 55!! So I should've known much better.
It's not too old to travel but it is when you are risking your whole future financial security with little chance to rebuild it.

Oh I hopethat you can carry on working from home as long as it suits you.

Where are you from? Is the possibility of going abroad something you ever think about or has that idea just totally gone?

You are welcome. I have plenty of time on my hands now, lol, since I am at home 24/7 and I will stay home for the next week and a half. I am from Croatia. I was still thinking about moving abroad until recently, I applied for a few jobs and even got one, as a support worker for a U.K. charity that works with people who have acquired brain injury and learning disabilities. I did not take their offer because I would work 30 hours a week for 9 pounds per hour, I would have to find an accommodation on my own and get a car, because without a car I could not do the job. So I would need to have a decent amount of money at my disposal to even be able to move there and rent a flat (most renters only agree on long term contracts and demand that the rent money is paid in advance). Renting a car is also something I probably could not afford.

I am thinking about getting an apartment here in my hometown and I found one at a pretty reasonable price (I could also get a very good bank loan with a low interest rate); but the thing is - I have no money saved, I live hand to mouth, as people say. The thing that bothers me the most, and it is something I think about every day, is that I had 7000 euros saved last year and I could have easily gotten a job somewhere, moved and at least tried to make a change. Now that money is gone and I am stuck here.
Where did you travel? How do you support yourself now?

 

[Blueman]

Where

You are welcome. I have plenty of time on my hands now, lol, since I am at home 24/7 and I will stay home for the next week and a half. I am from Croatia. I was still thinking about moving abroad until recently, I applied for a few jobs and even got one, as a support worker for a U.K. charity that works with people who have acquired brain injury and learning disabilities. I did not take their offer because I would work 30 hours a week for 9 pounds per hour, I would have to find an accommodation on my own and get a car, because without a car I could not do the job. So I would need to have a decent amount of money at my disposal to even be able to move there and rent a flat (most renters only agree on long term contracts and demand that the rent money is paid in advance). Renting a car is also something I probably could not afford.

I am thinking about getting an apartment here in my hometown and I found one at a pretty reasonable price (I could also get a very good bank loan with a low interest rate); but the thing is - I have no money saved, I live hand to mouth, as people say. The thing that bothers me the most, and it is something I think about every day, is that I had 7000 euros saved last year and I could have easily gotten a job somewhere, moved and at least tried to make a change. Now that money is gone and I am stuck here.
Where did you travel? How do you support yourself now?

Ah it's a pity you couldn't make it to the UK for the experience at least but yes the costs are so high.

I think all the time about why i refused job offer it made no sense, even without coronavirus jobs would've been hard to get.
I do have money and am staying cheaply with relatives but I sort of wish I didn't have this option then I wouldn't have gone travelling.
My fear is the longer I go without work the harder it'll get and my money will dwindle ruining my hopes of not living in poverty in my 60s hence anxiety/depression and ctb thoughts as I feel stupid and guilty.
I travelled mostly around Central Asia (Kazakh, Uzbek Kyrgyz, and Tajiki Stans)Nepal and Bangladesh. Imagine I hiked solo to Mt Everest base camp in February was literally on top of the world mentally and physically, now I'm on here.

It would be good if you can afford to get an apartment. Rough if you are skint
I've been to Croatia a few times it seems so nice as a tourist but I know the reality of day to day living is very different to being on holiday . Which part of Croatia are you from ?

 

[XYZ]

Imagine I hiked solo to Mt Everest base camp in February was literally on top of the world mentally and physical

That's life for you. It fucks you over. Sorry you're here.

 

[Blueman]

That's life for you. It fucks you over. Sorry you're here.

Thanks, yes it just shows how quickly life can go down hill for anyone.
Good to talk with you and sorry you're here yourself

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Where

Ah it's a pity you couldn't make it to the UK for the experience at least but yes the costs are so high.

I think all the time about why i refused job offer it made no sense, even without coronavirus jobs would've been hard to get.
I do have money and am staying cheaply with relatives but I sort of wish I didn't have this option then I wouldn't have gone travelling.
My fear is the longer I go without work the harder it'll get and my money will dwindle ruining my hopes of not living in poverty in my 60s hence anxiety/depression and ctb thoughts as I feel stupid and guilty.
I travelled mostly around Central Asia (Kazakh, Uzbek Kyrgyz, and Tajiki Stans)Nepal and Bangladesh. Imagine I hiked solo to Mt Everest base camp in February was literally on top of the world mentally and physically, now I'm on here.

It would be good if you can afford to get an apartment. Rough if you are skint
I've been to Croatia a few times it seems so nice as a tourist but I know the reality of day to day living is very different to being on holiday . Which part of Croatia are you from ?

I've never been to those places you mentioned, I bet they were very interesting to see and experience. Hiking to Mt. Everest is very impressive, I admire you for that. I am much younger than you and I do not have the drive or fitness to do such a thing, or anything even remotely similar to that. I would not regret that trip if I was in your shoes. This Corona situation is not going to last forever and you will be able to find work, I am sure of that. If you have a place to stay and enough money to cover your basic life expenses at the moment, you will survive. Just be patient. Even if the worst happens and you decide to ctb, at least you can look back on your life knowing that it was a fulfilled life and that you experienced some things most of us never have and never will.

I am from Slavonia, far from the seacoast and most tourist destinations. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slavonia