So, my life is a nightmare, from shitty childhood in an abusive family while i was extremely neglected, isolated, and mistreated in a narcissist household, which ended in me developing depression with suicidal ideation since i was 10 with quiet borderline disorder, depression which wasn't treated since my family and gp were shit, i was a bright child and "gifted", well, that is until depression tore progressively all my cognition away slowly years after years until it made me dropping out from college thrice.
Depression was something that never left me. AT 24, finally asked help to deal my depression, it was nothing more than the beginning of the torture, none of the treatment ever worked, and depression went to the point of leaving me totally " braindead" without any strength to be autonomous, when there was any improvement, it was only on the energy scale to being able to be bedridden to having the energy to barely walk, while still being braindead, this went on for four years.....
At 29, i stopped meds, became homeless since disability for depression was denied after 10 hospital stays abd ect, finally had a manic episode, which made me think i was cured if depression, which is a joke, which made me understand i was bipolar with untreated adhd.
During this manic episode, managed to lose 35 kg out of 118 kg with extrême working out and diet and was a better version of myself, well with some psychosis after all....
But then, as in manic episode, this one ended 6 month ago and left me with the same crippling depression,ptsd, and global anxiety disorder, and 5 kg gained back.
I aready used most moods stabiliser and antipsychotic, previously to no avail and see no way out.
I am currently waiting a last hospital stay.
If, after this one, i am not stable, and without disability benefits approved, i will kill myself.
I don't have many regret aside of having to regret each years i didn't kill myself, allowing myself to get tortured more.
Having to live with bpd, bp, gad, ptsd, adhd, depression for the rest of my life is something i can't bear with and i am more and more depleted since living day by day is taking all i have constantly.
There is only torture or death....
Depression was something that never left me. AT 24, finally asked help to deal my depression, it was nothing more than the beginning of the torture, none of the treatment ever worked, and depression went to the point of leaving me totally " braindead" without any strength to be autonomous, when there was any improvement, it was only on the energy scale to being able to be bedridden to having the energy to barely walk, while still being braindead, this went on for four years.....
At 29, i stopped meds, became homeless since disability for depression was denied after 10 hospital stays abd ect, finally had a manic episode, which made me think i was cured if depression, which is a joke, which made me understand i was bipolar with untreated adhd.
During this manic episode, managed to lose 35 kg out of 118 kg with extrême working out and diet and was a better version of myself, well with some psychosis after all....
But then, as in manic episode, this one ended 6 month ago and left me with the same crippling depression,ptsd, and global anxiety disorder, and 5 kg gained back.
I aready used most moods stabiliser and antipsychotic, previously to no avail and see no way out.
I am currently waiting a last hospital stay.
If, after this one, i am not stable, and without disability benefits approved, i will kill myself.
I don't have many regret aside of having to regret each years i didn't kill myself, allowing myself to get tortured more.
Having to live with bpd, bp, gad, ptsd, adhd, depression for the rest of my life is something i can't bear with and i am more and more depleted since living day by day is taking all i have constantly.
There is only torture or death....
