This will be a sad post so I will post it here.
My grandma gave me a christmas present. As usual a lot of money but also this...a picture of me as a child where I grew up. I avoid that area now as good as possible because so much abuse happened there. But my grandma lives there and I never visit her. We "celebrated" christmas at my mom's apartment. I hate christmas but in the past there were even more horrible christmas eves. There was a time my family made jokes about my abuse. That I would always blame my mom as a scapegoat. Well I still spend time with them. They support me financially and with chores. I am dependent on them.
I try to quote my grandma. "I wanted to remind you how beautiful that time was." Holy shit that is delusional as fuck. I am not that angry because I am used to my moron family. I rather find it very ridiculous. I am really traumatized by the abuse. I am a mental wreck. I have suicidal thoughts since a decade and I am quite sure I will have to kill myself in the future. Currently I try to act as if everything was fine in order to protect my mom. She had a stroke recently and if she died I had to ctb quickly before I lose my apartment. My mom does not want to change her life. She ate very unhealthy today and drank even alcohol. We are FUCKED when she dies. I cannot change anything. I am in the same boat full of morons. And yes the ship will sink one day. I don't know when. But the unsolvable problems clearly accumulate.
Honestly I am so sorry for that child in that picture. It remembers me that I never experienced a carefree childhood. I think my brain felt all the time as if my life was in danger because of all the domestic violence and insults. Some brains activate then the self-destruction mode. So I turned bipolar and got psychosis.
This picture makes me deeply sad. I think my grandma will never understand that. But I should not care about it. This picture hurts me. I try to forget that horrible time as good as possible. And then she gives me such a "present". I will place it somewhere where I never have to see it again.
I envy people who grew up in a usual average family. I despise my family for what they did to me. I had to face insane pain because of them. I try to hide my pain at the moment as I said for the sake of my mom's health. But hell this picture feels like a hit in my face. I hate spending time with my family.
I could imagine my grandmother will never know that I will ctb. She might die prior to that. I think I will let my family this gift. I let them die and give them ignorance as a bliss. When my mom had the stroke I felt bad. I had a guilty conscience because she tries to support me. And the health of my sister and mine was probably the reason for my mom's stroke. I want to live a life as a person with morally right behavior. And I don't know maybe I will act as if my life would have an happy end when they die. And when they died I will commit suicide. Though I think it is rather unlikely I can go on for such long time. I don't really see a future for me in the long run. I am anxious my mom could get a new stroke when I ctb. But for me this means the first attempt has to kill me. It is my nightmare scenario that I survive my suicide attempt and she dies instead.
My life is so fucking fucked. Having dinner with these morons reminded me of that. I am so fucking anxious. I don't have any future. But a peaceful suidide got even way more difficult with the stroke of my mom. I am really desperate. I try to postpone a new bipolar episode as good as possible. But I am very fragile and it is only a matter of time that I relapse. I feel so imprisoned.
Thanks for reading.
My grandma gave me a christmas present. As usual a lot of money but also this...a picture of me as a child where I grew up. I avoid that area now as good as possible because so much abuse happened there. But my grandma lives there and I never visit her. We "celebrated" christmas at my mom's apartment. I hate christmas but in the past there were even more horrible christmas eves. There was a time my family made jokes about my abuse. That I would always blame my mom as a scapegoat. Well I still spend time with them. They support me financially and with chores. I am dependent on them.
I try to quote my grandma. "I wanted to remind you how beautiful that time was." Holy shit that is delusional as fuck. I am not that angry because I am used to my moron family. I rather find it very ridiculous. I am really traumatized by the abuse. I am a mental wreck. I have suicidal thoughts since a decade and I am quite sure I will have to kill myself in the future. Currently I try to act as if everything was fine in order to protect my mom. She had a stroke recently and if she died I had to ctb quickly before I lose my apartment. My mom does not want to change her life. She ate very unhealthy today and drank even alcohol. We are FUCKED when she dies. I cannot change anything. I am in the same boat full of morons. And yes the ship will sink one day. I don't know when. But the unsolvable problems clearly accumulate.
Honestly I am so sorry for that child in that picture. It remembers me that I never experienced a carefree childhood. I think my brain felt all the time as if my life was in danger because of all the domestic violence and insults. Some brains activate then the self-destruction mode. So I turned bipolar and got psychosis.
This picture makes me deeply sad. I think my grandma will never understand that. But I should not care about it. This picture hurts me. I try to forget that horrible time as good as possible. And then she gives me such a "present". I will place it somewhere where I never have to see it again.
I envy people who grew up in a usual average family. I despise my family for what they did to me. I had to face insane pain because of them. I try to hide my pain at the moment as I said for the sake of my mom's health. But hell this picture feels like a hit in my face. I hate spending time with my family.
I could imagine my grandmother will never know that I will ctb. She might die prior to that. I think I will let my family this gift. I let them die and give them ignorance as a bliss. When my mom had the stroke I felt bad. I had a guilty conscience because she tries to support me. And the health of my sister and mine was probably the reason for my mom's stroke. I want to live a life as a person with morally right behavior. And I don't know maybe I will act as if my life would have an happy end when they die. And when they died I will commit suicide. Though I think it is rather unlikely I can go on for such long time. I don't really see a future for me in the long run. I am anxious my mom could get a new stroke when I ctb. But for me this means the first attempt has to kill me. It is my nightmare scenario that I survive my suicide attempt and she dies instead.
My life is so fucking fucked. Having dinner with these morons reminded me of that. I am so fucking anxious. I don't have any future. But a peaceful suidide got even way more difficult with the stroke of my mom. I am really desperate. I try to postpone a new bipolar episode as good as possible. But I am very fragile and it is only a matter of time that I relapse. I feel so imprisoned.
Thanks for reading.
