Help Help(?)

[Miserious]

I've been thinking and I don't think i can ever move on and stop thinking about cbt without moving out of my parents house. Im just so tired. But i cant get a job due to my mental health being an issue and its just dragging me down further. I feel so trapped. Im sure posting a gofundme would flop immediately since ive tried twice. Therapy is 109 dollars PER APPOINTMENT because my insurance doesn't cover "mental health". Ive tried to get my mom to take me to the psych ward but she never commits because 'she needs more money'. I'm so close to giving up, the light I see is like a pin hole poked into a trash bag suffocating me. I don't know what to do except ask what I should do. I tried running away but my mom just reeled me back in so I'm going to have to move out the hard way but its impossible since she wont let me without completing college and i lost my scholarship due to my mental health declining. So yeah, it feels like im trapped in this perpetual cycle of torment.
It doesn't help every time i confide in her about having suicidal thoughts she shsmes and ridicules me calling me a selfish freak and pathetic because "others have it worse" but never takes me even though she downright states she'll only take me if i have those thoughts so ive given up on telling her.

 

[Larysa]

Is there anyone you could stay with, even briefly? Any other family?

I'm going to have to move out the hard way but its impossible since she wont let me without completing college

What do you mean by "won't let you"? How old are you?

 

[timf]

If your circumstances dictate that you remain at home for the time being, you may try to find activities that can take you out of the home frequently. For example volunteer work, hobby or club activities, or even church or choir activities might all be used to minimize your time at home.

 

[Miserious]

Is there anyone you could stay with, even briefly? Any other family?



What do you mean by "won't let you"? How old are you?

I'm 20 but shes mentally and financially manipulated me(saying i cant leave until i 'pay her back' for things shes bought for me, and if its not on her terms she'll make sure my siblings cant see me and put my cats up for adoption, burn my things etc.) And no, my dads in an apartment but hes even worse and so are my grandparents. I tried staying with a friend but as I said my mom flipped out and started saying she was going to surrender for NO reason other than to get back at me for 'abandoning her'. I'm made to do dishes, catboxes, etc. And watch my younger siblings, even when sick since my 15 yo sister has untreated mental health(shes actually getting therapy through her school but refuses to listen to therapists bc they're saying shes the problem and needs to work on herself) and is also a manipulative awful person.

I wish it was easy to leave but i cant. I tried already to stay with someone and A:their house was even worse than mine and their own sister was living with them and enjoyed fighting with me/giving me oanic attacks on purpose, and i wasnt warned of this bc she showed up unexpectedly before i moved in so i had to sleep on the couch and it was awful bc i woke up to bugs crawling on me all the time

and B: once again my mom flipped out and refused to take no for an answer saying SHE was going to go no contact, force my siblings and older cousins to never see me again, tell everyone about how awful i am, and surrender my cats bc 'she cant afford to take care of them'. So i had to go back. Mostly for my cats, which sounds stupid but i cant put them through that.

I have no othwr friends because of my adhd and depression besides online ones that have their own issues. I have no other supporting relatives because my mom made sure they support HER instead. And she has the audacity to mock me to others even my own sister and complain about how im not 'helping enough'

I don't know what else to do BESIDES kill myself at this point but i dont even have/can afford any resources to do that.

Escaping seems futile at the least and the more I stay the more I think I'm never getting out of here. And if i do I'll be kicked out when i least expect it to maximize my suffering. I just want to go live with my girlfriend in illinois but shes states away and again my mom wont let me leave until im 'done with college' but i cant even afford a pencil let alone a whole major.

If your circumstances dictate that you remain at home for the time being, you may try to find activities that can take you out of the home frequently. For example volunteer work, hobby or club activities, or even church or choir activities might all be used to minimize your time at home.

Thats fun and all but my house is miles from a church, and the neighborhood is REALLY far away from anything at all, trust me i tried to walk to the inclisive center(its just a fancy library for the high-school, nothing "inclusive" about it) which is the closest thing to our house in 90 degree heat bc its always fckin hot here to try to get out and DO something and i was dying by the end of it+got my mom to start screaming and yelling at me in the parking lot in her car causing a scene which was lovely. Again, I'd need to learn how to drive but my mom refuses to pay for classes and expects me to just figure it out without classes well knowing i cant.

 

[Larysa]

This is a horrendous situation and you need to get away from your mother as if it was an emergency. Because it is.

I understand you wanting to protect your cats. Anything else, like relationships with your siblings, are not fully under her control and you can try to repair them later, once you are safe.

Any job to get you out of that house and isolated area has to be the priority.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so."

 

[Inthewind]

I've been thinking and I don't think i can ever move on and stop thinking about cbt without moving out of my parents house. Im just so tired. But i cant get a job due to my mental health being an issue and its just dragging me down further. I feel so trapped. Im sure posting a gofundme would flop immediately since ive tried twice. Therapy is 109 dollars PER APPOINTMENT because my insurance doesn't cover "mental health". Ive tried to get my mom to take me to the psych ward but she never commits because 'she needs more money'. I'm so close to giving up, the light I see is like a pin hole poked into a trash bag suffocating me. I don't know what to do except ask what I should do. I tried running away but my mom just reeled me back in so I'm going to have to move out the hard way but its impossible since she wont let me without completing college and i lost my scholarship due to my mental health declining. So yeah, it feels like im trapped in this perpetual cycle of torment.
It doesn't help every time i confide in her about having suicidal thoughts she shsmes and ridicules me calling me a selfish freak and pathetic because "others have it worse" but never takes me even though she downright states she'll only take me if i have those thoughts so ive given up on telling her.

I would goto parks or just walk around stores aimlessly, to get away from family. Maybe you can use apps on your phone to try to sell things or get credit card to afford the therapy, I think credit cards have money, im not entirely sure how it works though. I sorry your mom sounds poopy , so what if others havevit worse your situation can still be bad.