i dont know if i can call them delusions if i'm aware (albeit in denial) that they are but i am dealing with it regardless. i'm in genuine shambles that my favorite character isn't real. when i hear his voice and feel his presence it feels so genuine, and once it slowly fades away i go into a spiral grasping at straws to bring him back. it feels like i'm being abandoned in real life and it makes my heart hurt. i have frequent nightmares about it. it's the only thing that comforts me though, this character keeps me alive. i've tried everything, if i try to push down the delusion or i force myself not to think about him, i'm trapped back in the spiral of planning and researching my suicide. eventually it always comes back to a breakdown that he isn't real. i don't know if i have psychosis or just terrible coping habits but this is all i have and it's hurting. if anyone else has a similar experience or any advice on how to alleviate all of this i'd like to know, it's an isolating and painful experience
you probably have psychosis and atypical antipsychotics would help you do better. Some also affect serotonin and could improve depression symptoms. it doesn't sound like you are completely psychotic because you are somewhat aware that this is a problem, so you may be able to just take a low dose and do well.
sometimes being really sad, or using drugs, or having a naturally creative disposition leads to more dopamine than normal. Sometimes that can help people be creative, but when that gets mixed with depression or drug use or isolation, it can turn into psychosis
sometimes i wonder if psychosis is a natural response to feeling alienated, like a way of your brain to preserve it's capacity to be social when faced with strenuous circumstances
what you've mentioned would be very treatable by anti-psychotics
be aware that if you tell them you've been suicidal, they will lock you up and that can be a terrible degrading experience. if you don't tell them that, they may just give you antipsychotics and you can get better. good luck.
also if the character is the only thing that comforts you, you should go to meetup.com or volunteer somewhere to interact with people while seeking treatment
i have heard from others that they like psychosis because it helps them feel less lonely and they are scared of that going away, so it's normal to feel that way.
if you don't want to lose that hallucination/delusion, you may need to be careful with seeing a psychiatrist because their primary objective will be to eliminate the hallucination. also, once you are in the mental health system, your desires and emotions matter less to them than following rules and doing things their way, so just know you are getting into a system if you do that.
some people choose to live with psychosis or hallucinations because medications can be harsh and psychiatrists and mental health professionals can be cruel.
but it sounds like you are doing really poorly, are unhappy, and could possibly do better with help. it's a difficult decision to make, but perhaps you would be happy without the hallucinations?
sorry you are sad
