Help with keeping a positive mental state

[volnaya_pesnya]

I'm 22 years old, currently failing in college towards a degree I have absolutely zero interest or passion in, with literally no friends or even acquaintances for support. I think every day about killing myself but thankfully(?) lack the actual courage/willpower/motivation to go through with it. I truly believe that nobody beyond my immediate family (i.e. parents) would care if I died. I have tried therapy and derived zero benefit from it whatsoever because I am fully self aware of all my flaws and simply refuse to change out of sheer laziness more than anything else. I'm a pathetic human being but still want to live for some reason, but right now I'm really running out of reasons to stay alive beyond simply avoiding causing my family trouble. I want to actually WANT to be alive, not just NOT kill myself so as to spare my family from the embarrassment/financial difficulties and wasted investments deriving from that. Do you guys have any tips on what I can do to actually look forward to waking up given these circumstances? Any idea on how to look to tomorrow with some degree of hope and not just resignation?

 

[Smart No More]

It's hard because I don't know you. I can only say that finding something in each day to look forward too is paramount to enjoying or enduring life for me. For me it's an hour or so of gaming alongside a little relief from my meds. After that I look forward to what I'm going to eat (and enjoy eating it of course) and then in between I get things done as a means to allowing me those daily islands of enjoyment. I literally hop from island to island through the day. Like mini breaks from the shit stuff. Everyone is motivated by different things. Social issues seem to hold many back or cause a sense of missing out. I don't suffer that luckily but if I did I guess I'd make efforts to quench that need in place of my other 'vices'. I can live without friends. I cut myself off from them shortly after getting sick. I don't really want to be around them when I'm like this and hope that, if I heal I can return to them as me, not half me. I've always been lucky in that I find friends easily and had friends from my youth so I've never really struggled with the issues that come with not having social options and in all honesty I kind of like being on my own mostly. Though I do value real friends greatly.

Another thing that's quite oddly cathartic is procrastination. It's a slippy slope but finding a moment that's yours regardless of what's going on around you I'd argue is akin to the benefits of meditation. Step out of the whirling winds of life for an hour to regain your breath and composure. During the tough times inbetween I kind of block out the discomfort of it for my own benefit, in order to just get it (life) done. I have the benefit of a low dose of opioids prescribed which honestly is like magic to me. Unfortunately it's frowned upon and if not prescribed then it can come with all sorts of other issues you do not need! I don't suggest going for that kind of relief if you can't get prescribed. Even then it's only going to be temporary. So I think finding island of solace through your days some other way is probably an option with more longevity. Just breaking it up like that can make diving back into the grind manageable. It would also be good if you could speak with a tutor to explain your sense of fatigue and see if they can make life a bit easier for you. Either by giving you a break or extending your deadlines perhaps.

Really hope you find your comfort zone in life!

 

[whatevs]

Find some degree of passion. For me it is literature and programming, I enjoy them and I am reasonably good at it, they are a creative outlet.

This isn't enough, you also need friends, as you are aware. How to get them, well... I made some friends HERE but 1.They might kill themselves any fucking day, what a great prospect, and 2. They're not in my vicinity, we cannot do shit together, not that I would have the energy required to keep up with it.

A couple is beneficial but it's a social network what helps more with suicidality/contentment IMO.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I'm 22 years old, currently failing in college towards a degree I have absolutely zero interest or passion in, with literally no friends or even acquaintances for support. I think every day about killing myself but thankfully(?) lack the actual courage/willpower/motivation to go through with it. I truly believe that nobody beyond my immediate family (i.e. parents) would care if I died. I have tried therapy and derived zero benefit from it whatsoever because I am fully self aware of all my flaws and simply refuse to change out of sheer laziness more than anything else. I'm a pathetic human being but still want to live for some reason, but right now I'm really running out of reasons to stay alive beyond simply avoiding causing my family trouble. I want to actually WANT to be alive, not just NOT kill myself so as to spare my family from the embarrassment/financial difficulties and wasted investments deriving from that. Do you guys have any tips on what I can do to actually look forward to waking up given these circumstances? Any idea on how to look to tomorrow with some degree of hope and not just resignation?

I relate a lot to your post already. Not as old as you but I'm also in university for a degree I don't care about, I don't have any IRL friends, I have suicidal thoughts and the only thing preventing me from going through with it is the fact that I do not want to devastate my family.

One thing I am trying to do is accumulate friends through here, but like @whatevs said, they could kill themselves any day so it's a very difficult prospect regardless. I feel like I can talk to people openly here, but at the same time, emotions can run very high here, people can be volatile sometimes including myself, so it's hard to make friends. In general, I would like to think making friends online is a lot easier than making friends IRL since you can kind of put on a persona, or an ideal version of yourself, online. You don't have to make friends here, but I agree with whatevs advice, a social network is crucial, although I don't have one myself. If you would like to reach out and talk to me, I would certainly be happy to talk to you, there are also some other threads on the Recovery forum where people are reaching out and trying to make some friends, I think you can approach them too, if you would like.

 

[ever so lonely]

distractions bro that is what i do whenever i am feeling low as, distractions, anything from books to video games whatever it takes to get your mind off of things for a while, it doesnt always work but most times it does, i see it as a form of escapism sometimes

 

[WhatPowerIs]

distractions bro that is what i do whenever i am feeling low as, distractions, anything from books to video games whatever it takes to get your mind off of things for a while, it doesnt always work but most times it does, i see it as a form of escapism sometimes

Escapism can be a very important thing. It certainly works for me, most of the time. I also tend to put off escapism a lot of the time. But distracting yourself, watching/reading/playing something that makes you happy, or has you engaged, or challenges you and stimulates you, is a great thing IMO.

 

[ever so lonely]

definately mate i am reading the lord of the rings book trilogy and playing alien isolation which isn't good for anxiety lol, hope you find peace bro life can be brutal and relentless i love the fact that this is a supportive place tho, best wishes mate and try to stay busy even if it is doing mundane tasks like tidying up or that it helps me from time to time but mental health can be a bitch lol, prevents you doing so much

 

[WhatPowerIs]

definately mate i am reading the lord of the rings book trilogy and playing alien isolation which isn't good for anxiety lol, hope you find peace bro life can be brutal and relentless i love the fact that this is a supportive place tho, best wishes mate and try to stay busy even if it is doing mundane tasks like tidying up or that it helps me from time to time but mental health can be a bitch lol, prevents you doing so much

best wishes to you too! i was actually a couple of chapters in with the first book of the LOTR trilogy, Fellowship, I must definitely continue it but I don't remember where I left off. I think it's been so long I can probably restart without feeling like I am treading over old territory.

 

[Smart No More]

Escapism can be a very important thing. It certainly works for me, most of the time. I also tend to put off escapism a lot of the time. But distracting yourself, watching/reading/playing something that makes you happy, or has you engaged, or challenges you and stimulates you, is a great thing IMO.

I think you hit on an important key point there which is engagement. It can be really hard to find that. Particularly if you're above average intelligence or have a certain outlook on the world. Particularly when depressed and or overwhelmed by things you can't take your focus off. Average entertainment (TV for example) can be so trite and annoying to a mind that needs stimulation. Finding decent media can be a mission but when you find it and it engages you it's almost like having a friend that shares the burden of your problems. Or like being heard when you usually find most people can't or won't make the effort to comprehend what you're experiencing.

I found a good show recently called Severence. Adam Scott is the lead role but the cast is all really good. If you like good shows I recommend that one woke heartedly. Also watching The Shrink Next Door with Will Ferrel. Comedy actors can do regular drama so well. It's based on a true story of a guy who took on a psychologist that befriended him and then took over his life.

definately mate i am reading the lord of the rings book trilogy and playing alien isolation which isn't good for anxiety lol, hope you find peace bro life can be brutal and relentless i love the fact that this is a supportive place tho, best wishes mate and try to stay busy even if it is doing mundane tasks like tidying up or that it helps me from time to time but mental health can be a bitch lol, prevents you doing so much

Alien Isolation is a great game. I must return to that to finish it.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I think you hit on an important key point there which is engagement. It can be really hard to find that. Particularly if you're above average intelligence or have a certain outlook on the world. Particularly when depressed and or overwhelmed by things you can't take your focus off. Average entertainment (TV for example) can be so trite and annoying to a mind that needs stimulation. Finding decent media can be a mission but when you find it and it engages you it's almost like having a friend that shares the burden of your problems. Or like being heard when you usually find most people can't or won't make the effort to comprehend what you're experiencing.

I found a good show recently called Severence. Adam Scott is the lead role but the cadt is all really good. If you like good shows I recommend that one whoke heartedly. Also watching The Lawyer Next Door with Will Ferrel. Comedy actors can do regular drama so well. It's based on a true story of a guy who took on a lawyer that befriended him and then took over his life.

Yes! After a certain point you grow past certain kinds of TV shows and you acquire certain tastes. I was interested in watching Severance, it seems to be in the vein of dramas like Mad Men and The Sopranos which I particularly enjoyed because they engaged me in a way a lot of TV shows haven't. There are, of course, lots of stylistic shows that end up engaging me too... I think if you can lose yourself to a work of art somehow, thematically, or emotionally, or however, then it has succeeded in what it is trying to do. TV/movies shouldn't be seen as something to just be put in the background for noise, or for something your eyes can glaze over and stare at for 45 minutes or 2 hours, it should be something that resonates with you. Finding those things which can stimulate you is very difficult, so you have to bounce around a lot to find what you like, but I think when it comes to this stuff, finding what you like can be very easy! Just time consuming.
Sorry for being so ramble-y, just my thoughts!

 

[whatevs]

Yes! After a certain point you grow past certain kinds of TV shows and you acquire certain tastes. I was interested in watching Severance, it seems to be in the vein of dramas like Mad Men and The Sopranos which I particularly enjoyed because they engaged me in a way a lot of TV shows haven't. There are, of course, lots of stylistic shows that end up engaging me too... I think if you can lose yourself to a work of art somehow, thematically, or emotionally, or however, then it has succeeded in what it is trying to do. TV/movies shouldn't be seen as something to just be put in the background for noise, or for something your eyes can glaze over and stare at for 45 minutes or 2 hours, it should be something that resonates with you. Finding those things which can stimulate you is very difficult, so you have to bounce around a lot to find what you like, but I think when it comes to this stuff, finding what you like can be very easy! Just time consuming.
Sorry for being so ramble-y, just my thoughts!

Severance is particularly interesting if you have some affinity for Gnosticism or conspiracy theories. They're basically showing how a part of ourselves might be using us at this very moment "by doing the work down here". A dark twist of the New Age "Higher Self" concept. Well that's what we the Gnostic-like truthers think of the show.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Severance is particularly interesting if you have some affinity for Gnosticism or conspiracy theories. They're basically showing how a part of ourselves might be using us at this very moment "by doing the work down here". A dark twist of the New Age "Higher Self" concept. Well that's what we the Gnostic-like truthers think of the show.

Sounds interesting. I'll definitely look into it, the next show I was planning on watching was 'Oz' but maybe I'll start Severance early.