molinism
Vivaldi's Opus 8, No. 3, in F Major, Final Allegro
- Oct 1, 2023
- 3
Hey, so my name is Moli, and I need help being taken seriously.
I have ASD and I have also been diagnosed with other mental illnesses such as depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, and ADHD. I personally feel like there is something else there that isn't diagnosed, and so do my sisters and a few of my friends. My sister and main friend both have BPD and have suggested getting tested for it, however, when I tried I was shot down immediately by both of the psychiatrists that I saw as they said it was the ASD. My other friend suggested it could be bipolar disorder. I have a family history of BPD and bipolar disorder, my father is bipolar and so is his mother, and my mother's mum is BPD. I have an uncle who is schizophrenic and another who is also BPD.
I don't feel I have depression disorder because I'm generally a happy person except for short periods of time when I get bad, which is usually triggered by something. These periods usually last just a day or two, but they can also last up to a week. I've only had one that was for over a month, but that was because I kept getting set off. I've tried to CTB a few times, but I was never successful and quickly stopped trying to after failing, and only would try to after another thing set me off.
I wouldn't be making such a deal if it wasn't affecting my life and mental stability. It's been getting worse over time, I only started noticing it more after I graduated high school and I've been trying my best to use the strategies that therapists have given me and it's not enough anymore.
I have a few notable struggles and I'll list them but if more details are needed I'll provide more.
I used to have really poor anger management when I was a child and would throw tantrums that were half an hour to an hour or two long and then I would kind of just snap out of it and go back to what I was doing. I often enjoyed throwing tantrums and hurting people, and would only lose my mind when I felt I had lost control of the situation. I learned how to control my emotions better when I started high school but now that it's been a couple of years since I graduated I'm not able to control myself as much. I find I don't care if I hurt or lash out at people as long as it doesn't make them leave me or as long as I can apologize or don't do any permanent damage. I find it difficult to control my actions even against those I love most such as pets and family or friends. I can easily turn situations back in my favor and I can hide nearly anything from others. I don't show what I'm feeling and just put on a fake smile or a blank face until the situation is done, and the only time I show any form of emotion around others is when I lash out.
I often only care about people around me if I get something out of it, or if I get really interested in them, but that only lasts for a month or two at most before I get sick of them or bored of them. When I'm really interested in someone I'll constantly want to talk to them and even adapt myself to be more likable to them and usually after a few months I'll get livid at them over a small mistake, or I'll get upset over them being uninteresting to me. I like to do work volunteering, working or putting myself into situations where people are dependent on me or need my help because it makes me feel in control, and it's something that won't go away because I'll always be needed.
If I don't have people around me that I can focus on or tell me I'm doing well or something good I get into my head and will start thinking I'm a bad person, which I am but that's not what I'm discussing here. If I need something from someone and they don't listen or help me I'll ignore them or lash out at them as a result of their actions.
I find I don't have people leave me, instead, I'll decide that they are using me or are about to leave me so I cut them off before they can hurt me, and this leads to a lot of my friendships ending after a month or two. I also scare people off with how obsessed I get with them, the best example I can think of is when I carved my crush's name into my arm and sent it to them, and then they blocked me as a result. I also find comfort in abusive relationships especially ones where they will hit me after I yell at them.
If someone goes against what I want I get incredibly upset for no reason. Like someone spilling a drink or talking too loud. I hate children so much because they're unpredictable and they don't care for others' feelings. I dream of having a child still though because I know I would teach them to not be like that and be respectful. Another thing that sets me off is if someone chooses someone over me, like if they had plans already or canceled on me. Or they sit with someone as opposed to me.
If I'm not around people I constantly feel empty and I can best describe it as null, as there's nothing there. I'm not lonely or sad, just existing. I also don't feel real or the world doesn't? I don't know how to describe it, it's like I'm watching a TV where real life is happening. It's almost fisheye-like and hollow. If I do everything to my plan and it doesn't turn out how I expected it to I never know why, or if I do something such as asking someone out and they say no I won't know why they did. If I lose control of a situation or a relationship I often use my life or wellbeing as a bargaining tool and have threatened suicide multiple times as a result of someone leaving me.
I struggle with drug use and use it to stop my null. It makes me more fun and not a bad person, and I can always find people to drink or use with and they'll love me if I bring them stuff too. I have a terrible time with money when I have someone I'm fixated on. I'll buy them lots of gifts to make them like me more, or if they are better off than me and are making me jealous I will try to outdo them.
No matter how hard I try I don't trust anyone and I'll never tell them my secrets or my super personal thoughts. I'll lie to hide these things from people and often if I do tell someone something I only tell it to them so if they tell anyone I'll know who said my secrets.
I tend to only view people but sometimes things too as only good or bad. Like either someone is good or not and once I make my decision it sticks unless I obsess over them. If I'm obsessing over someone I don't see any of their actions as bad. They can do no wrong in my mind unless I lose interest or they leave me. I only have two friends that I've been friends with for over three years and four more that I've been friends with for a half year. My friendships have always been super intense and close and then die off after a few months or weeks. The two close friends are the only people who have been friends with me after I've lashed out at them and they have genuinely never done anything to hurt me or use me, that's why I lashed out because I didn't understand why or trust them.
I do very well socially at first, and I'm pretty confident, the problem is keeping it going or not going too far. I understand people well, just not some of their decisions with me. I like politics and discussing the difference in views between people as I understand those very well, some just don't like me as I'm a very neutral person and will argue both sides of the spectrum of politics.
If I'm in a low time I like to do lots of risky things such as gambling, overusing drugs, and I have had a few scares with unprotected sex. I use self-harm in times when I hate myself and want people to see what I really am, so I'll try to leave scars so people get scared off. I've cut my face a few times, but only one scar stayed well, and I burn and cut my hands to make them mangled. I never know who or what I am. Like a good person or a bad person. Or I feel like a legit devil or sometimes an angel sent to earth. I care a lot about how I look and always am being watched because of my height and appearance, so I dress in a way that makes people less suspicious or able to make fun of my appearance. I'm constantly looking around because there's never a point in time when someone isn't watching, and if I can't see them then I get distressed. I won't sleep with blinds open, I always have the blinds closed at home, and I want to get security shutters installed so I'm safe. I have to make sure the blinds are closed upwards so no one can peek downwards into my house.
I know I don't have any value as I don't do anything good for the world, so I do work helping people. If I don't have someone dependent on me I have no reason to be around. It's not that I don't like living, it's just I do more harm than good if I'm not helping people or have a dependant.
That's all I really have off the top of my head, but I can answer questions. I want to know what you guys think, and if there's a better or shorter way to say these things so I can get my point across to a psychiatrist. Or should I even try, like is it worth it, and is there a reason to? I might just be in my head about this. I just really feel this is urgent as it's one thing yelling at someone or a pet, and it's a lot worse if I hit them when I lash out, it's already happened this month, and it's been getting more common. Thank you for the help, and if you know somewhere else better suited to this question let me know! And I'm so sorry about the super long text blob.
TL,DR: I want help getting diagnosed as I feel I have a mood disorder.
I have ASD and I have also been diagnosed with other mental illnesses such as depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, and ADHD. I personally feel like there is something else there that isn't diagnosed, and so do my sisters and a few of my friends. My sister and main friend both have BPD and have suggested getting tested for it, however, when I tried I was shot down immediately by both of the psychiatrists that I saw as they said it was the ASD. My other friend suggested it could be bipolar disorder. I have a family history of BPD and bipolar disorder, my father is bipolar and so is his mother, and my mother's mum is BPD. I have an uncle who is schizophrenic and another who is also BPD.
I don't feel I have depression disorder because I'm generally a happy person except for short periods of time when I get bad, which is usually triggered by something. These periods usually last just a day or two, but they can also last up to a week. I've only had one that was for over a month, but that was because I kept getting set off. I've tried to CTB a few times, but I was never successful and quickly stopped trying to after failing, and only would try to after another thing set me off.
I wouldn't be making such a deal if it wasn't affecting my life and mental stability. It's been getting worse over time, I only started noticing it more after I graduated high school and I've been trying my best to use the strategies that therapists have given me and it's not enough anymore.
I have a few notable struggles and I'll list them but if more details are needed I'll provide more.
I used to have really poor anger management when I was a child and would throw tantrums that were half an hour to an hour or two long and then I would kind of just snap out of it and go back to what I was doing. I often enjoyed throwing tantrums and hurting people, and would only lose my mind when I felt I had lost control of the situation. I learned how to control my emotions better when I started high school but now that it's been a couple of years since I graduated I'm not able to control myself as much. I find I don't care if I hurt or lash out at people as long as it doesn't make them leave me or as long as I can apologize or don't do any permanent damage. I find it difficult to control my actions even against those I love most such as pets and family or friends. I can easily turn situations back in my favor and I can hide nearly anything from others. I don't show what I'm feeling and just put on a fake smile or a blank face until the situation is done, and the only time I show any form of emotion around others is when I lash out.
I often only care about people around me if I get something out of it, or if I get really interested in them, but that only lasts for a month or two at most before I get sick of them or bored of them. When I'm really interested in someone I'll constantly want to talk to them and even adapt myself to be more likable to them and usually after a few months I'll get livid at them over a small mistake, or I'll get upset over them being uninteresting to me. I like to do work volunteering, working or putting myself into situations where people are dependent on me or need my help because it makes me feel in control, and it's something that won't go away because I'll always be needed.
If I don't have people around me that I can focus on or tell me I'm doing well or something good I get into my head and will start thinking I'm a bad person, which I am but that's not what I'm discussing here. If I need something from someone and they don't listen or help me I'll ignore them or lash out at them as a result of their actions.
I find I don't have people leave me, instead, I'll decide that they are using me or are about to leave me so I cut them off before they can hurt me, and this leads to a lot of my friendships ending after a month or two. I also scare people off with how obsessed I get with them, the best example I can think of is when I carved my crush's name into my arm and sent it to them, and then they blocked me as a result. I also find comfort in abusive relationships especially ones where they will hit me after I yell at them.
If someone goes against what I want I get incredibly upset for no reason. Like someone spilling a drink or talking too loud. I hate children so much because they're unpredictable and they don't care for others' feelings. I dream of having a child still though because I know I would teach them to not be like that and be respectful. Another thing that sets me off is if someone chooses someone over me, like if they had plans already or canceled on me. Or they sit with someone as opposed to me.
If I'm not around people I constantly feel empty and I can best describe it as null, as there's nothing there. I'm not lonely or sad, just existing. I also don't feel real or the world doesn't? I don't know how to describe it, it's like I'm watching a TV where real life is happening. It's almost fisheye-like and hollow. If I do everything to my plan and it doesn't turn out how I expected it to I never know why, or if I do something such as asking someone out and they say no I won't know why they did. If I lose control of a situation or a relationship I often use my life or wellbeing as a bargaining tool and have threatened suicide multiple times as a result of someone leaving me.
I struggle with drug use and use it to stop my null. It makes me more fun and not a bad person, and I can always find people to drink or use with and they'll love me if I bring them stuff too. I have a terrible time with money when I have someone I'm fixated on. I'll buy them lots of gifts to make them like me more, or if they are better off than me and are making me jealous I will try to outdo them.
No matter how hard I try I don't trust anyone and I'll never tell them my secrets or my super personal thoughts. I'll lie to hide these things from people and often if I do tell someone something I only tell it to them so if they tell anyone I'll know who said my secrets.
I tend to only view people but sometimes things too as only good or bad. Like either someone is good or not and once I make my decision it sticks unless I obsess over them. If I'm obsessing over someone I don't see any of their actions as bad. They can do no wrong in my mind unless I lose interest or they leave me. I only have two friends that I've been friends with for over three years and four more that I've been friends with for a half year. My friendships have always been super intense and close and then die off after a few months or weeks. The two close friends are the only people who have been friends with me after I've lashed out at them and they have genuinely never done anything to hurt me or use me, that's why I lashed out because I didn't understand why or trust them.
I do very well socially at first, and I'm pretty confident, the problem is keeping it going or not going too far. I understand people well, just not some of their decisions with me. I like politics and discussing the difference in views between people as I understand those very well, some just don't like me as I'm a very neutral person and will argue both sides of the spectrum of politics.
If I'm in a low time I like to do lots of risky things such as gambling, overusing drugs, and I have had a few scares with unprotected sex. I use self-harm in times when I hate myself and want people to see what I really am, so I'll try to leave scars so people get scared off. I've cut my face a few times, but only one scar stayed well, and I burn and cut my hands to make them mangled. I never know who or what I am. Like a good person or a bad person. Or I feel like a legit devil or sometimes an angel sent to earth. I care a lot about how I look and always am being watched because of my height and appearance, so I dress in a way that makes people less suspicious or able to make fun of my appearance. I'm constantly looking around because there's never a point in time when someone isn't watching, and if I can't see them then I get distressed. I won't sleep with blinds open, I always have the blinds closed at home, and I want to get security shutters installed so I'm safe. I have to make sure the blinds are closed upwards so no one can peek downwards into my house.
I know I don't have any value as I don't do anything good for the world, so I do work helping people. If I don't have someone dependent on me I have no reason to be around. It's not that I don't like living, it's just I do more harm than good if I'm not helping people or have a dependant.
That's all I really have off the top of my head, but I can answer questions. I want to know what you guys think, and if there's a better or shorter way to say these things so I can get my point across to a psychiatrist. Or should I even try, like is it worth it, and is there a reason to? I might just be in my head about this. I just really feel this is urgent as it's one thing yelling at someone or a pet, and it's a lot worse if I hit them when I lash out, it's already happened this month, and it's been getting more common. Thank you for the help, and if you know somewhere else better suited to this question let me know! And I'm so sorry about the super long text blob.
TL,DR: I want help getting diagnosed as I feel I have a mood disorder.
