People reaching out, people telling me they care about me, people asking me if I need help, people trying to comfort me, the idea of trying to get help elsewhere again, meds, pushing to see if it gets better, even working on things to better my situation all just make me feel intensely terrible.
The words people try to say to me will bring me to tears with how much they miss the point or just don't ever work.
Getting hugged or comforted makes me angry cause it feels pointless or happens because they want me to live and it hardly ever feels like it's genuinely for me.
Talking about how I feel to people makes me feel despair because they always say the wrong things, it never fails. Even those I've met that have dealt with SI still have some hope or optimism or something keeping their light going in them somewhere so there's still some disconnect and there's no comfort in them either.
Even talking to my old therapist who I felt was probably the closest to understanding how i felt doesn't sound helpful because I know it won't be enough. There's still a limit to what I can say before she has to get outside help involved and i don't know if being able to freely express how I feel will help anyway.
Bettering my situation doesn't help, it's always temporary cause I'll ruin it because I'll see that the peace from that is temporary and I'll spiral from not knowing what else to do or life will ruin it in some way as it always does.
There is such a deep, hopeless sad in me that I feel is incredible justified as my life has been so shit that me and my friends joke about it. To the point I get asked "what HAVEN'T you gone through?" And at no point has things improved. If something did, it sas just replaced with a new, sometimes worse problems. Sometimes multiple. Frequently multiple.
Even my loved ones aren't enough for me to live anymore as most of my connections have unhealthy dynamics and the ones that don't, I can barely maintain or can't be the me they need me to be anyway. Or I get sad/angry at the looks and words I get from them when they can see I'm not doing okay and want to stay away from them. Or they will end up distant because the sad is too much.
Even with a healthy lifestyle that I've had for quite some time, I am the sickest I've ever been. Both body and mind. My mind ruined my body and is continuously doing so. My body is now aiding in ruining my mind. I am genuinely only waiting for the need to die at the most convenient time for my loved ones and for me to stop feeling anything positive out of the last special interest I have to CTB. Especially the last one as my hopelessness would be unarguably justified to me. Those are the only things keeping me here and I feel them starting to dwindle.
I thought getting this off my chest would be cathartic but no, I am typing this blank faced when usually talking about my feelings can make me full on sob. I think my time is coming and I'm scared but the idea of it gives me the closest thing I've ever felt to genuine peace. I am trying to get comfortable and okay with knowing I most definitely want to die, soon and by my own hand. I feel it happening slowly but surely.
I apologize if this is all over the place, I am very not sober at the moment.
The words people try to say to me will bring me to tears with how much they miss the point or just don't ever work.
Getting hugged or comforted makes me angry cause it feels pointless or happens because they want me to live and it hardly ever feels like it's genuinely for me.
Talking about how I feel to people makes me feel despair because they always say the wrong things, it never fails. Even those I've met that have dealt with SI still have some hope or optimism or something keeping their light going in them somewhere so there's still some disconnect and there's no comfort in them either.
Even talking to my old therapist who I felt was probably the closest to understanding how i felt doesn't sound helpful because I know it won't be enough. There's still a limit to what I can say before she has to get outside help involved and i don't know if being able to freely express how I feel will help anyway.
Bettering my situation doesn't help, it's always temporary cause I'll ruin it because I'll see that the peace from that is temporary and I'll spiral from not knowing what else to do or life will ruin it in some way as it always does.
There is such a deep, hopeless sad in me that I feel is incredible justified as my life has been so shit that me and my friends joke about it. To the point I get asked "what HAVEN'T you gone through?" And at no point has things improved. If something did, it sas just replaced with a new, sometimes worse problems. Sometimes multiple. Frequently multiple.
Even my loved ones aren't enough for me to live anymore as most of my connections have unhealthy dynamics and the ones that don't, I can barely maintain or can't be the me they need me to be anyway. Or I get sad/angry at the looks and words I get from them when they can see I'm not doing okay and want to stay away from them. Or they will end up distant because the sad is too much.
Even with a healthy lifestyle that I've had for quite some time, I am the sickest I've ever been. Both body and mind. My mind ruined my body and is continuously doing so. My body is now aiding in ruining my mind. I am genuinely only waiting for the need to die at the most convenient time for my loved ones and for me to stop feeling anything positive out of the last special interest I have to CTB. Especially the last one as my hopelessness would be unarguably justified to me. Those are the only things keeping me here and I feel them starting to dwindle.
I thought getting this off my chest would be cathartic but no, I am typing this blank faced when usually talking about my feelings can make me full on sob. I think my time is coming and I'm scared but the idea of it gives me the closest thing I've ever felt to genuine peace. I am trying to get comfortable and okay with knowing I most definitely want to die, soon and by my own hand. I feel it happening slowly but surely.
I apologize if this is all over the place, I am very not sober at the moment.
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