Infinite Solipsist
Member
- Jun 20, 2024
- 89
I've wrote this note a couple days ago and have been occasionally adding to and editing it. I plan on teaching myself a calligraphers script and writing this note with a decent fountain pen in archival ink on archival paper and I'm going to put the note in a waterproof box with some desiccant gels for humidity and archival tissue paper to keep ink from running. I'm also going to censor some of the sections that can help trace my identity back to this site. If I said anything in this letter that isn't allowed to be posted here, I apologize but this is how I feel. I haven't written anything this lengthy in a long time so bear with me please.
June18th, 2024
Let it be known that this was not an impulsive act and that I have done this in a fully sober mind. This day has been planned for well over 10 years and shouldn't shock anyone too deeply at this point. Ever since I was a kid, I never had any actual ambitions. Every time someone asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I could never come up with any actual answer. I believed, then and now, that this death was the only thing that was ever going to happen for me. You can call it a self-fulfilling prophecy if that makes you feel any better but understand that there wasn't anything that any of you could have done. Truthfully, my closest thing to an ambition has always been to live alone in a nice (but not ostentatious) home on a couple hundred acres somewhere where the weather is fair and mild. All I've ever wanted to do is withdraw from the horrors of this world and of this society and be alone. I can recognize that such a goal is totally unachievable as it requires a level of wealth that I simply couldn't ever hope to attain. Time after time has shown me that I can't function long term in any type of employment and the options that are available to me can only be described as sub-par at best. I now know such options will never afford me the lifestyle that I wish to have. Would you like to know the worst part of it all? Even if I somehow achieved these goals, I KNOW I STILL WOULD NOT BE HAPPY. Part of the problem is that I never asked to be born in the first place.
Our venomous nation of snakes has always placed great emphasis on death but did anyone ever stop to think about the time before we were born? Why should consciousness after death be any different than it was before birth? I've never quite grasped religion and don't find any comforts in its unfalsifiable teachings either. This decision to █████████████ has came after an entire lifetime of despair and my suffering should be over now. I could be wrong but I believe this risk to be the most potentially rewarding risk I've ever taken.
Those whose lives that have touched mine haven't done anything wrong... for the most part. Sure, some of you took some missteps along the way but so have I. If I take responsibility for anything, it will be my own fate. This was always going to be my fate. Don't fool yourselves into thinking that you could have done anything to help because I wouldn't have wanted your help anyways. Forcing me to do anything wouldn't have solved my problems either. Mental healthcare in the state of ████ has somehow missed that I am almost definitely schizoid with schizotypal tendencies. At times I have heard faint whispering when I knew I was alone and there have been two times in my life where I had terrifying full-blown visual hallucinations. One of those times I was driving home from work and almost crashed. These disorders, on top of treatment-resistant depression, have no magic cure that can be lectured away or solved with psychotherapy. I never found out what exactly was wrong with me despite everyone's best efforts. The best life I could have reasonably hoped for would have been to get the government's insultingly low crazy-check pittance while living in a section 8 hellhole and even then,the end result would have stayed the same. Section 8 or not, I would have been unhappy anywhere I went. Ironically, they don't make benefits easily attainable and make you work for it especially if you're an unmarried man in your 20's. I found it easier to just give up.
Some of you fools have made materialistic hedonism as your only reason to live. Some of you fools insincerely cope with religion. Some of fools you make the insane decision to bring children into this world.(Accidental births are different.) Unfortunately, none of these so-called raisons d'être have ever been able to convince me otherwise. Until now, I've continued to live purely out of lizard-brained survival instinct and coped with this using escapism. I can remember that as a █ year old child (even before my mother's death), I was unhappy in life. None of you were in my head (unless you could secretly read my mind) so don't bother trying to contradict me. I've spent my whole life trying to ignore the future and the future finally caught up with me.
I once said to someone years ago, "I could have hundreds of millions of dollars and all the megayachts and fast cars a man could ever want but I'd still not be happy." As I write this, I still stand by this statement because I know I never wanted those things. I never truly wanted anything but to be alone. I understand that being alone can mean many things to different people so allow me to clarify. To me, being alone means freedom from society's obligations and soul-crushing responsibilities without worrying about being physically, financially, or psychologically harmed by anyone. (Paranoia?) In death, I believe I can be free of these burdens.
Call it a false dichotomy if you like (I don't care and it doesn't matter at this point) but my two options in life were #1: Scrape out a shallow, joyless, and meaningless existence while waiting to die as painlessly as possible while knowing my death could be something far worse than suicide by firearm OR#2: Die a near-instantaneous death by destroying the brainstem so that all connection between the brain and body is totally severed and unable to feel physical pain. Brain tissue itself has no pain sensory nerves which is one reason why brain surgery is often performed while the patient is conscious. This is my reasoning for the method I used and why I pointed it where I did. Even if you took away my guns, I would have had plenty of other options to fall back on.
A few years ago when I was ██ [YEARS OLD], I had a Glock 22chambered in .40 Smith & Wesson. I was speeding along quiet country roads at 90+ mph and picked up the gun from under the seat and examined it for a moment. Had I had a round already chambered I wouldn't have hesitated but since I had to load it, I thought to myself, "Let's see how much worse things could get first." And man, did things just steadily get worse. Since then, all I've done with my life is get hired/fired/quitting from awful low-tier jobs that were neither gainful nor meaningful. Besides that, I was a chronically unemployed loser with no motivation and was unable (and unwilling) to sustain functioning personal relationships. At one point in the last 4 years I was over 275 pounds due to drinking myself to sleep nearly every day for 2 years. ███████,if you ever read this, don't blame ██████████████ as I know you are want to do. When I came back to live with you,██████, for a couple months when I returned from███████████, I was drinking myself to sleep and hiding it from you. If not alcohol, it would have been something else. I had since cut down on my drinking by 90% these last three years and totally quit nicotine almost a year ago but life was still unbearable. As I write this I am 180 pounds and lost most of the weight because I simply couldn't afford to eat 4000 calories a day anymore. I know I am not the only one suffering in such a way but acknowledging that does nothing to console me.
Perhaps the most potent insult that has been repeatedly hurled at me over the years has been this singular word: Lazy. I've heard it all my life and it has always secretly enraged me whether or not I chose to show it. I'm not sure how to word it properly but it's nearly impossible to force yourself to do anything when you have zero motivation to do so. I never wanted much from anyone else but I could rarely escape what was demanded of me. Another serious problem I failed to endure is that our little slice of America scorns all who seem strange or unconventional and few people are willing to give such strangers a chance to prove themselves. This, among an extensive list of other reasons, is partially why I struggled to remain employed. This entire country is going to hell and I don't care to stick around long enough to see when it finally collapses. The only bad part of missing the collapse is getting to witness [probably can't say this here] who have undeniably conspired against us to maintain this torturous status quo.
It is unlikely that my body will be found within 24 hours but I'd prefer you sell my body to science if it is still usable. I intentionally don't want the body to be found for at least several days to give you time to prepare for the news. The reasoning is that it wouldn't be very surprising to find that I died this way if I mysteriously disappeared for a few days. If no organizations are willing to buy my body, then donate the organs if they are still viable. Otherwise,cremate the body as inexpensively as possible. I want you to bury half of the ashes in a tree pod under a live oak and I also want you to spread a handful of ashes near the location of where my body was found. It is a place where I briefly enjoyed life and felt something other than despair. Whatever you do, DO NOT waste any money on a casket. Sell my car if cremation is a financial burden or give the car back to █████████. I never actually paid their family all of what I owed. Though, I'm not entirely sure where to find them anymore. Under no circumstances are you to spend more than $1000 on my memorial service if possible. As for the rest of my possessions, just leave them with whoever already has them. I don't have a lot of things anyways so arguing over it would be ridiculous. Alternatively, you can choose to ignore this letter and do whatever you want with my ashes and possessions. I won't care either way.
To all those reading this who never knew me and had the resources to help fix this world (but refused to), I hope you all suffer in nuclear fire so you can have a taste of what this life was like. I like to think I wouldn't have hoarded wealth like you have. To my family and friends, hopefully this (largely performative) letter will be able to answer some of your questions. If you've made it this far into this wall of text and still find yourself asking, "Why did he do it?" The answer is simple: I could never bring myself to care that deeply for anyone and never wanted anything out of life. I am finally free.
June18th, 2024
Let it be known that this was not an impulsive act and that I have done this in a fully sober mind. This day has been planned for well over 10 years and shouldn't shock anyone too deeply at this point. Ever since I was a kid, I never had any actual ambitions. Every time someone asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I could never come up with any actual answer. I believed, then and now, that this death was the only thing that was ever going to happen for me. You can call it a self-fulfilling prophecy if that makes you feel any better but understand that there wasn't anything that any of you could have done. Truthfully, my closest thing to an ambition has always been to live alone in a nice (but not ostentatious) home on a couple hundred acres somewhere where the weather is fair and mild. All I've ever wanted to do is withdraw from the horrors of this world and of this society and be alone. I can recognize that such a goal is totally unachievable as it requires a level of wealth that I simply couldn't ever hope to attain. Time after time has shown me that I can't function long term in any type of employment and the options that are available to me can only be described as sub-par at best. I now know such options will never afford me the lifestyle that I wish to have. Would you like to know the worst part of it all? Even if I somehow achieved these goals, I KNOW I STILL WOULD NOT BE HAPPY. Part of the problem is that I never asked to be born in the first place.
Our venomous nation of snakes has always placed great emphasis on death but did anyone ever stop to think about the time before we were born? Why should consciousness after death be any different than it was before birth? I've never quite grasped religion and don't find any comforts in its unfalsifiable teachings either. This decision to █████████████ has came after an entire lifetime of despair and my suffering should be over now. I could be wrong but I believe this risk to be the most potentially rewarding risk I've ever taken.
Those whose lives that have touched mine haven't done anything wrong... for the most part. Sure, some of you took some missteps along the way but so have I. If I take responsibility for anything, it will be my own fate. This was always going to be my fate. Don't fool yourselves into thinking that you could have done anything to help because I wouldn't have wanted your help anyways. Forcing me to do anything wouldn't have solved my problems either. Mental healthcare in the state of ████ has somehow missed that I am almost definitely schizoid with schizotypal tendencies. At times I have heard faint whispering when I knew I was alone and there have been two times in my life where I had terrifying full-blown visual hallucinations. One of those times I was driving home from work and almost crashed. These disorders, on top of treatment-resistant depression, have no magic cure that can be lectured away or solved with psychotherapy. I never found out what exactly was wrong with me despite everyone's best efforts. The best life I could have reasonably hoped for would have been to get the government's insultingly low crazy-check pittance while living in a section 8 hellhole and even then,the end result would have stayed the same. Section 8 or not, I would have been unhappy anywhere I went. Ironically, they don't make benefits easily attainable and make you work for it especially if you're an unmarried man in your 20's. I found it easier to just give up.
Some of you fools have made materialistic hedonism as your only reason to live. Some of you fools insincerely cope with religion. Some of fools you make the insane decision to bring children into this world.(Accidental births are different.) Unfortunately, none of these so-called raisons d'être have ever been able to convince me otherwise. Until now, I've continued to live purely out of lizard-brained survival instinct and coped with this using escapism. I can remember that as a █ year old child (even before my mother's death), I was unhappy in life. None of you were in my head (unless you could secretly read my mind) so don't bother trying to contradict me. I've spent my whole life trying to ignore the future and the future finally caught up with me.
I once said to someone years ago, "I could have hundreds of millions of dollars and all the megayachts and fast cars a man could ever want but I'd still not be happy." As I write this, I still stand by this statement because I know I never wanted those things. I never truly wanted anything but to be alone. I understand that being alone can mean many things to different people so allow me to clarify. To me, being alone means freedom from society's obligations and soul-crushing responsibilities without worrying about being physically, financially, or psychologically harmed by anyone. (Paranoia?) In death, I believe I can be free of these burdens.
Call it a false dichotomy if you like (I don't care and it doesn't matter at this point) but my two options in life were #1: Scrape out a shallow, joyless, and meaningless existence while waiting to die as painlessly as possible while knowing my death could be something far worse than suicide by firearm OR#2: Die a near-instantaneous death by destroying the brainstem so that all connection between the brain and body is totally severed and unable to feel physical pain. Brain tissue itself has no pain sensory nerves which is one reason why brain surgery is often performed while the patient is conscious. This is my reasoning for the method I used and why I pointed it where I did. Even if you took away my guns, I would have had plenty of other options to fall back on.
A few years ago when I was ██ [YEARS OLD], I had a Glock 22chambered in .40 Smith & Wesson. I was speeding along quiet country roads at 90+ mph and picked up the gun from under the seat and examined it for a moment. Had I had a round already chambered I wouldn't have hesitated but since I had to load it, I thought to myself, "Let's see how much worse things could get first." And man, did things just steadily get worse. Since then, all I've done with my life is get hired/fired/quitting from awful low-tier jobs that were neither gainful nor meaningful. Besides that, I was a chronically unemployed loser with no motivation and was unable (and unwilling) to sustain functioning personal relationships. At one point in the last 4 years I was over 275 pounds due to drinking myself to sleep nearly every day for 2 years. ███████,if you ever read this, don't blame ██████████████ as I know you are want to do. When I came back to live with you,██████, for a couple months when I returned from███████████, I was drinking myself to sleep and hiding it from you. If not alcohol, it would have been something else. I had since cut down on my drinking by 90% these last three years and totally quit nicotine almost a year ago but life was still unbearable. As I write this I am 180 pounds and lost most of the weight because I simply couldn't afford to eat 4000 calories a day anymore. I know I am not the only one suffering in such a way but acknowledging that does nothing to console me.
Perhaps the most potent insult that has been repeatedly hurled at me over the years has been this singular word: Lazy. I've heard it all my life and it has always secretly enraged me whether or not I chose to show it. I'm not sure how to word it properly but it's nearly impossible to force yourself to do anything when you have zero motivation to do so. I never wanted much from anyone else but I could rarely escape what was demanded of me. Another serious problem I failed to endure is that our little slice of America scorns all who seem strange or unconventional and few people are willing to give such strangers a chance to prove themselves. This, among an extensive list of other reasons, is partially why I struggled to remain employed. This entire country is going to hell and I don't care to stick around long enough to see when it finally collapses. The only bad part of missing the collapse is getting to witness [probably can't say this here] who have undeniably conspired against us to maintain this torturous status quo.
It is unlikely that my body will be found within 24 hours but I'd prefer you sell my body to science if it is still usable. I intentionally don't want the body to be found for at least several days to give you time to prepare for the news. The reasoning is that it wouldn't be very surprising to find that I died this way if I mysteriously disappeared for a few days. If no organizations are willing to buy my body, then donate the organs if they are still viable. Otherwise,cremate the body as inexpensively as possible. I want you to bury half of the ashes in a tree pod under a live oak and I also want you to spread a handful of ashes near the location of where my body was found. It is a place where I briefly enjoyed life and felt something other than despair. Whatever you do, DO NOT waste any money on a casket. Sell my car if cremation is a financial burden or give the car back to █████████. I never actually paid their family all of what I owed. Though, I'm not entirely sure where to find them anymore. Under no circumstances are you to spend more than $1000 on my memorial service if possible. As for the rest of my possessions, just leave them with whoever already has them. I don't have a lot of things anyways so arguing over it would be ridiculous. Alternatively, you can choose to ignore this letter and do whatever you want with my ashes and possessions. I won't care either way.
To all those reading this who never knew me and had the resources to help fix this world (but refused to), I hope you all suffer in nuclear fire so you can have a taste of what this life was like. I like to think I wouldn't have hoarded wealth like you have. To my family and friends, hopefully this (largely performative) letter will be able to answer some of your questions. If you've made it this far into this wall of text and still find yourself asking, "Why did he do it?" The answer is simple: I could never bring myself to care that deeply for anyone and never wanted anything out of life. I am finally free.
