Hello... Wishing I could tell the people in my life

[downtotherivertoplay]

Hi everyone! I've been perusing this site for some time, looking for information and finding a place of solace for this unspeakable subject. I really appreciate the community you've formed here. I finally took the plunge and made an account.

I'm in a position that I am deeply grateful for... wherein the people in my life are kind, loving, and open to hearing about emotional difficulties. I adore them. I have struggled with eating disorders for half of my life, and have great difficulty caring for myself. I'm combatting a variety of mental health issues (episodes of psychosis, ongoing depression and worn-out self-loathing narratives), and despite help am treading water or continuing a downward spiral. I wish so much that I could have a frank discussion about my desire to end my life, and to create a plan that includes them -- closure for all of us, a ceremony in the forest, what have you. The fact that suicide needs to be a surprise and therefore a terrible shock to the people I love is such a major deterrent, on top of survival instinct. I believe in recovery, but I keep letting myself down. I wish I could openly close up my affairs, give some parting gifts and leave people with the knowledge that there's nothing they could have done. It is so frustrating that the first mention of suicide elicits a suggestion to go to the psych ward (a place I'm no stranger to).

I've tried and failed several times, and will just say that foxglove is a terrrrrible choice (as others here have stated).

There are more spiritual reasons that I'm scared of departing... mainly a belief in reincarnation that I understand is quite controversial. That's a thread unto itself.

Thanks for reading.. would love to hear your thoughts and how you cope with the need for secrecy. <3

 

[Aap]

Unfortunately, the number of people in Most individual's life they could tell may never even rise above 0. The odds family or friends will all be ok with knowing about your decision before hand is so close to zero it would be hard to measure. Either someone will ensure you receive vigorous psychiatric treatment or someone will blame themselves for not stopping you.

I certainly cannot know your exact situation, but I would posit this applies to you. I'd suggest the best you can do is help them remember good times, clean up what messes you can, and leave a heartfelt note or video for those you wish.

 

[Greenberg]

Society has conditioned us that we MUST drink the elixir of life to the last drop. I disagree with that notation, especially if continued living results in endless pain and suffering. In terms of keeping the matter private, may I suggest that you pen your daily thoughts in a journal? Your entries may even convince you to continue living instead!