Hello, New member here! Is my specific case bad? Is there no salvation for me?

[Minas]

First of all, I guess i'll have to share some of my backstory. I hope it's relatable enough for the struggling folks around here.



My mother. That's my whole backstory. She said she didn't want me, That i will be nothing without her, That i'm making her suffer. Yada Yada Yada, You know how it is.



The problem is that i believe every single word she said to me. I want to free myself from her, yes, But that doesn't means i love myself. Maybe that just means i'll keep getting hurt anyway, But if i'm free from her, I'll be more in control of it.



You can say that she inspired me. It hurted a lot, So i began to think: "Surely i must have done something terrible to deserve all of that". And then it hit me. If she didn't want me, and i'm making her suffer like she tells me i am... Then maybe my birth is that "something terrible".



If i am unwanted, a dirty thing that shouldn't even be alive to begin with... Maybe i can fix that if i kill myself. I was born full of sin by being unwanted, And sinned even more by making her suffer, So it's only natural i should feel pain and fix my cursed birth... By killing myself.



Thats half the grasp of it i guess, Some of my main reasons for wanting to commit die. I am truly hoping i will be getting a self fulfilling, religious experience out of hurting myself and ruining my life, And die full of happiness with a smile after fulfilling my purpose: Fixing my own birth and paying for it.



Is my case too unusual? I really hope people don't think I'm joking or making that up for attention or something. It just... The "me" that my mom hated, That, in her mind, deserved everything she did, Feels like the real me, and i'm just following that.

 

[Hvergelmir]

I relate a lot to this, and I think the underlying issue is quite common. Being neglected as a child is a hard thing to overcome.

Maybe you're right, I don't know, but let's assume that you completely failed your mothers expectations and was a severe burden to her. What then?
If I get a kid which turns out to be a disappointment, and more than I can handle. Would I be in a position to blame the kid, or would it be my responsibility as a parent to get help and sort it out?
You didn't choose birth, and has not obligation whatsoever to "fix" or compensate for it.

Killing yourself to fulfill some duty to your mother is nonsensical. If she wanted you dead, it would be her responsibility to kill you herself. She did not, and moral justifications for doing so are scarce.

Try to leave all that behind, and look forward. A failure in parenting doesn't put you in any moral debt.
It's tough to cut ones losses, and you'll have a tough starting position, but it's your life. Pursue what you want, not some skewed version of what someone else wants. Work towards becoming who you want to be.

 

[Minas]

I relate a lot to this, and I think the underlying issue is quite common. Being neglected as a child is a hard thing to overcome.

Maybe you're right, I don't know, but let's assume that you completely failed your mothers expectations and was a severe burden to her. What then?
If I get a kid which turns out to be a disappointment, and more than I can handle. Would I be in a position to blame the kid, or would it be my responsibility as a parent to get help and sort it out?
You didn't choose birth, and has not obligation whatsoever to "fix" or compensate for it.

Killing yourself to fulfill some duty to your mother is nonsensical. If she wanted you dead, it would be her responsibility to kill you herself. She did not, and moral justifications for doing so are scarce.

Try to leave all that behind, and look forward. A failure in parenting doesn't put you in any moral debt.
It's tough to cut ones losses, and you'll have a tough starting position, but it's your life. Pursue what you want, not some skewed version of what someone else wants. Work towards becoming who you want to be.

But she didn't ask for it either. She couldn't abort me, She'd be judged and hated for that (third world country stuff). She had no other options, and i'm her lack of choice given the form of a human...

If i am all of that... how can i leave it all behind? Is it even possible if nothing will change that fact? How can i even change something like that?

 

[Hvergelmir]

But she didn't ask for it either. She couldn't abort me, She'd be judged and hated for that (third world country stuff). She had no other options, and i'm her lack of choice given the form of a human...

If i am all of that... how can i leave it all behind? Is it even possible if nothing will change that fact? How can i even change something like that?

You would not change that. You would cut your losses, and move on.
This likely include distancing yourself from your mother, but it doesn't have to. Maybe she truly did all she could, and still failed. Maybe she deserves love and respect, considering extraordinary circumstance - I don't know.

Look forward. You have your life and it's yours to control.
Dwelling on the past won't make a difference. Offing yourself will not make the past undone. The bad things you're describing are already done, and is now part of history.

What would you like for the future? If you had a loving upbringing, what would you do then? That's probably what you should do, even if you're struggling with feelings of abandonment and insufficiency.

 

[Minas]

You would not change that. You would cut your losses, and move on.
This likely include distancing yourself from your mother, but it doesn't have to. Maybe she truly did all she could, and still failed. Maybe she deserves love and respect, considering extraordinary circumstance - I don't know.

Look forward. You have your life and it's yours to control.
Dwelling on the past won't make a difference. Offing yourself will not make the past undone. The bad things you're describing are already done, and is now part of history.

What would you like for the future? If you had a loving upbringing, what would you do then? That's probably what you should do, even if you're struggling with feelings of abandonment and insufficiency.

... I would really like to change that. But if it isn't possible, then...

Look, even if i moved on, wouldn't the fact i can't change the terrible circumstances of my birth make me very dirty? How can i walk around, doing successful stuff while being so dirty? By all accounts, wouldn't that make me fail more often as karma?

That's actually one of the main reasons i self harm too. It makes me feel "cleaner" too, like removing grime from my skin.

I don't really remember what i wanted to do for the future right now, maybe later if I'm feeling better.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I guess there could be someone who you might have better chance to connect with- someone who can support you and who don't try to hurt your feelings. Oh, and then you just have to dump your mom because it hasn't been going well, it's not a good influence to you.

 

[Mebius]

Some people shouldnt be parents.

 

[Trismegistus_13]

Hi Minas, I'm a new member too. I don't think your experience is unusual. Unfortunately there are a lot of parents like your mother in the world. It can be deeply traumatic for someone to go through their own childhood knowing a parent does not want one around. We look to our parents as examples of who we should become and as positive or negative reinforcement for who we are becoming. It's very sad your mother takes out her own problems on you.

I really struggle with the effects of others treating me negatively, and I was told I'm worthless too, and I definitely started to believe it. One thing my therapist told me that has helped me is that, when I'm telling myself that I'm worthless, stupid, that I'm inherently bad etc, that's not really me saying that, it's those past people. Their words still linger in my head like ghosts of past interactions, and I just replay that to make myself feel worse. It's overcoming those ghosts that's the toughest part, and I really hope we can both overcome them and see ourselves for who we really are.

 

[Minas]

Hi Minas, I'm a new member too. I don't think your experience is unusual. Unfortunately there are a lot of parents like your mother in the world. It can be deeply traumatic for someone to go through their own childhood knowing a parent does not want one around. We look to our parents as examples of who we should become and as positive or negative reinforcement for who we are becoming. It's very sad your mother takes out her own problems on you.

I really struggle with the effects of others treating me negatively, and I was told I'm worthless too, and I definitely started to believe it. One thing my therapist told me that has helped me is that, when I'm telling myself that I'm worthless, stupid, that I'm inherently bad etc, that's not really me saying that, it's those past people. Their words still linger in my head like ghosts of past interactions, and I just replay that to make myself feel worse. It's overcoming those ghosts that's the toughest part, and I really hope we can both overcome them and see ourselves for who we really are.

Thank you, I sympathize with you very much