First of all, I guess i'll have to share some of my backstory. I hope it's relatable enough for the struggling folks around here.
My mother. That's my whole backstory. She said she didn't want me, That i will be nothing without her, That i'm making her suffer. Yada Yada Yada, You know how it is.
The problem is that i believe every single word she said to me. I want to free myself from her, yes, But that doesn't means i love myself. Maybe that just means i'll keep getting hurt anyway, But if i'm free from her, I'll be more in control of it.
You can say that she inspired me. It hurted a lot, So i began to think: "Surely i must have done something terrible to deserve all of that". And then it hit me. If she didn't want me, and i'm making her suffer like she tells me i am... Then maybe my birth is that "something terrible".
If i am unwanted, a dirty thing that shouldn't even be alive to begin with... Maybe i can fix that if i kill myself. I was born full of sin by being unwanted, And sinned even more by making her suffer, So it's only natural i should feel pain and fix my cursed birth... By killing myself.
Thats half the grasp of it i guess, Some of my main reasons for wanting to commit die. I am truly hoping i will be getting a self fulfilling, religious experience out of hurting myself and ruining my life, And die full of happiness with a smile after fulfilling my purpose: Fixing my own birth and paying for it.
Is my case too unusual? I really hope people don't think I'm joking or making that up for attention or something. It just... The "me" that my mom hated, That, in her mind, deserved everything she did, Feels like the real me, and i'm just following that.
My mother. That's my whole backstory. She said she didn't want me, That i will be nothing without her, That i'm making her suffer. Yada Yada Yada, You know how it is.
The problem is that i believe every single word she said to me. I want to free myself from her, yes, But that doesn't means i love myself. Maybe that just means i'll keep getting hurt anyway, But if i'm free from her, I'll be more in control of it.
You can say that she inspired me. It hurted a lot, So i began to think: "Surely i must have done something terrible to deserve all of that". And then it hit me. If she didn't want me, and i'm making her suffer like she tells me i am... Then maybe my birth is that "something terrible".
If i am unwanted, a dirty thing that shouldn't even be alive to begin with... Maybe i can fix that if i kill myself. I was born full of sin by being unwanted, And sinned even more by making her suffer, So it's only natural i should feel pain and fix my cursed birth... By killing myself.
Thats half the grasp of it i guess, Some of my main reasons for wanting to commit die. I am truly hoping i will be getting a self fulfilling, religious experience out of hurting myself and ruining my life, And die full of happiness with a smile after fulfilling my purpose: Fixing my own birth and paying for it.
Is my case too unusual? I really hope people don't think I'm joking or making that up for attention or something. It just... The "me" that my mom hated, That, in her mind, deserved everything she did, Feels like the real me, and i'm just following that.
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