I signed up on this forum because I've weighed what I've achieved against what I haven't in my 26 years. What I've mostly had are failures, bullying throughout my school years, mockery, and humiliation from both peers and those who were obligated to protect me. In 26 years, I still haven't secured a stable job; I get by each year finding crappy under-the-table gigs for 2-3 months, earning an average of €500 a month while working about 50 hours a week (around 200 hours monthly). I've never had a girlfriend; I've only experienced sex with a prostitute who did things hastily. I haven't felt any kind of pleasure—it's like I'm watching others' lives from behind a glass, enjoying their well-being by imagining myself in their shoes... but then I snap back to reality.
I already knew about this forum; I bought SN in March of this year and intended to use it. What stopped me? My brother adopted a dog, which has become my life. My brother only thinks about gaming, doing drugs, and going out with his girlfriend; he leaves the dog to me and sometimes even forgets to give him water or food. If he doesn't take care of him, the dog could die.
Actually, besides the dog—which I believe is more of an excuse not to "take the bus"—I always hope the situation can improve because I think I've already hit rock bottom, so the only thing worse would be my mother dying, forcing me to live under a bridge. But even then, I'd find a way not to die, maybe by starting to use synthetic drugs. Every time I have the chance, I back out. When I turned 20, I gave my brother a kiss on the head while he was sleeping (since he'd been out partying), then I went to the shooting range, rented a 9x21 S&W, and wanted to shoot myself in the mouth. I didn't do it; I emptied the whole magazine into the target and left.
I don't know how to keep going; psychologists have always threatened me with involuntary commitment when I talked about suicide, so they're pretty much useless.
I already knew about this forum; I bought SN in March of this year and intended to use it. What stopped me? My brother adopted a dog, which has become my life. My brother only thinks about gaming, doing drugs, and going out with his girlfriend; he leaves the dog to me and sometimes even forgets to give him water or food. If he doesn't take care of him, the dog could die.
Actually, besides the dog—which I believe is more of an excuse not to "take the bus"—I always hope the situation can improve because I think I've already hit rock bottom, so the only thing worse would be my mother dying, forcing me to live under a bridge. But even then, I'd find a way not to die, maybe by starting to use synthetic drugs. Every time I have the chance, I back out. When I turned 20, I gave my brother a kiss on the head while he was sleeping (since he'd been out partying), then I went to the shooting range, rented a 9x21 S&W, and wanted to shoot myself in the mouth. I didn't do it; I emptied the whole magazine into the target and left.
I don't know how to keep going; psychologists have always threatened me with involuntary commitment when I talked about suicide, so they're pretty much useless.
