apassingmoment
walking stereotype
- Mar 15, 2026
- 9
hello everyone. i'm new to the forum, so i figured i'd introduce myself. dunno if thats something we do here, but, honestly i just want there to be proof i existed and struggled to live somewhere.
so here i am. oh and sorry for poor english. not esl, i'm just lowkey incredibly stupid.
i am a 19 year old failure. i know, i know, i'm "too young" to know that. my life is just getting started. i "still have a chance to turn things around". i've heard that a million times.
i am a trans girl, my chosen name is alexis and i use she/her pronouns for however long that matters, and every waking moment of my existence is spent agonizing about every way in which i was born wrong. this isn't the main reason for why i plan on going out, but, it would be a lie to say it isn't contributing. i don't necessarily pass, and even if i did, i will never afford any of the surgeries i'd need to actually handle the dysphoria i suffer from. so i'm sorta just stuck here, in a boxy and unwieldy body i've slapped feminine clothes and makeup onto in hopes that it quiets the constant noise.
on top of this, i'm chronically ill. both physically and mentally. I suffer from POTS and Ehlers-Danlos which greatly reduces my ability to physically do anything. i get physically tired from thinking too much. of course, i have to provide for myself, so i work myself to death anyway. every passing week it feels like a part of my soul is sucked out and consumed by a harsh and cold universe that cares little for me or my problems. I'm a drug addict, not sure what the rules on talking about drugs are at this moment and am too lazy to look, so, i just won't list them. I also suffer from schizoaffective disorder, bipolar, borderline, autism, and a whole bunch of other mental disorders but i guess i wouldn't be here if there wasn't anything wrong with my noggin. so i won't go into detail about those. feels like i'm whining anyway.
i have people that love me. i know this. i know my fiance loves me. i know my family loves me. im not doing this because i'm lonely or anything like that.
but at the same time, none of them know me. none of them can ever understand what its like waking up in hell every day while everyone else seemingly gets along fine. so maybe it is out of loneliness? in a way? i dunno, i'm no philosopher.
anyway, all of this has come to a head and i've decided to CTB within the next couple months. I'm still conflicted between methods (in fact, i'm going to post a question about that soon) but i am going to do this. i'm tired of living in a world that sees me as less than human. i'm tired of living in a world that seemingly only inflicts pain. im tired in general.
so, yeah. thats me. hello world!
so here i am. oh and sorry for poor english. not esl, i'm just lowkey incredibly stupid.
i am a 19 year old failure. i know, i know, i'm "too young" to know that. my life is just getting started. i "still have a chance to turn things around". i've heard that a million times.
i am a trans girl, my chosen name is alexis and i use she/her pronouns for however long that matters, and every waking moment of my existence is spent agonizing about every way in which i was born wrong. this isn't the main reason for why i plan on going out, but, it would be a lie to say it isn't contributing. i don't necessarily pass, and even if i did, i will never afford any of the surgeries i'd need to actually handle the dysphoria i suffer from. so i'm sorta just stuck here, in a boxy and unwieldy body i've slapped feminine clothes and makeup onto in hopes that it quiets the constant noise.
on top of this, i'm chronically ill. both physically and mentally. I suffer from POTS and Ehlers-Danlos which greatly reduces my ability to physically do anything. i get physically tired from thinking too much. of course, i have to provide for myself, so i work myself to death anyway. every passing week it feels like a part of my soul is sucked out and consumed by a harsh and cold universe that cares little for me or my problems. I'm a drug addict, not sure what the rules on talking about drugs are at this moment and am too lazy to look, so, i just won't list them. I also suffer from schizoaffective disorder, bipolar, borderline, autism, and a whole bunch of other mental disorders but i guess i wouldn't be here if there wasn't anything wrong with my noggin. so i won't go into detail about those. feels like i'm whining anyway.
i have people that love me. i know this. i know my fiance loves me. i know my family loves me. im not doing this because i'm lonely or anything like that.
but at the same time, none of them know me. none of them can ever understand what its like waking up in hell every day while everyone else seemingly gets along fine. so maybe it is out of loneliness? in a way? i dunno, i'm no philosopher.
anyway, all of this has come to a head and i've decided to CTB within the next couple months. I'm still conflicted between methods (in fact, i'm going to post a question about that soon) but i am going to do this. i'm tired of living in a world that sees me as less than human. i'm tired of living in a world that seemingly only inflicts pain. im tired in general.
so, yeah. thats me. hello world!
