Songbird
New Member
- Nov 4, 2018
- 1
This has been a long time coming. I don't exactly know where to start.
I have been secretly reading through this site for a couple of months now. I don't remember how it all started, I just know that I couldn't fall asleep one night (as many other nights) and I somehow came across this site. I keep telling myself that I am not suicidal and that not wishing you were alive isn't the same thing as wanting to die. Funny, isn't it?
I feel so guilty about this, because I don't have an apparent reason to feel this way. My life seems good on paper, I came from a wonderful family, I had what I needed and I am healthy. Then why the f*ck do I feel this way? For years now I am trying to solve my brain as some sort of a puzzle, trying to mend the pieces and figure out what the hell is going on. What is wrong with me?
I do not fear death, I fear the empty life I see coming for me. I have a fear of my parents passing, my brothers dying before me (cuz I'm the youngest), having to live without all my loved ones…Them not be able to see if I make something out of this shitty person I feel I am. I feel scared about waking up one day, be 40 years old and realizing my whole life is nothing of value, to wake up by someone I do not truly love, to be so miserable that I would be a shitty wife and a mother…
I am currently a college student away from home, and every time I visit my home I see my parents a little older and it brakes my heart. They had me a bit later in life, father was in his forties and mother in her late thirties, and while I was growing up they weren't really present, if that makes sense. My mother was working away from home, and father was always this passive figure. And then my brother got diagnosed with cancer when he was 16 and I was 11. That was a shitstorm. I remember feeling so helpless, but trying hard for everyone. Anyway, he got better eventually but it was a long recovery. He was basically dead at one point. I am so fascinated by his experience, because after all that he has a much more different perspective on life than me. He is really afraid of dying, and he can't go on funerals and hates graveyards. He told me that moments before he died he was looking around the room, seeing his guitar in the corner, seeing our mother in a really bad state not really knowing how he ended up in that situation and having a question on his mind:"is this really it?". Then he had that "life flashed before my eyes" moment, where he saw his whole life in one second and then…nothing.
They somehow managed to save him, and since then he has this positive attitude towards life, waking up every morning with a lot of energy, always lite, always smiling, always happy. I admire him so much for that. Whenever we talk and I try to explain how I feel, he just doesn't get it and he told me that he feels scared for me. I actually started to volunteer for children who are cancer patients and their parents. I thought that maybe I could actually help someone with this experience, and maybe, just maybe I would help myself too. I feel so guilty when I see those kids fighting for their lives, and their parents…and there I am, wasting my life, wishing I never existed. What the hell is wrong with me?
I feel so lonely in this. I have a couple of friends, we are not that close anymore. I actually have a feeling they got sick of me. I find it difficult to meet new people because I come of as some kind of weirdo, because I am so awkward and I feel so heavy and then I rather stay away. I have a boyfriend who loves me and I don't get why. I don't know how I feel in that relationship, because we were friends for years first, and then it just somehow happened. It wasn't like I fell in love and then got together with him…it was like dragging for year and a half, not knowing what it is, and then it was fine for another year and a half. And I do love him a lot, he is my best friend, I just don't feel good inside and I feel like I am dragging him down with me.
I always thought that it would get better in time, but it only gets worse. I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel trapped and lonely, like I'm in a glass box, looking at world passing me by.
I am so sorry for this long post, thanks to anyone who takes the time to read it.
I read so much posts from you guys and my heart hurts for every one of you going through this.
I have been secretly reading through this site for a couple of months now. I don't remember how it all started, I just know that I couldn't fall asleep one night (as many other nights) and I somehow came across this site. I keep telling myself that I am not suicidal and that not wishing you were alive isn't the same thing as wanting to die. Funny, isn't it?
I feel so guilty about this, because I don't have an apparent reason to feel this way. My life seems good on paper, I came from a wonderful family, I had what I needed and I am healthy. Then why the f*ck do I feel this way? For years now I am trying to solve my brain as some sort of a puzzle, trying to mend the pieces and figure out what the hell is going on. What is wrong with me?
I do not fear death, I fear the empty life I see coming for me. I have a fear of my parents passing, my brothers dying before me (cuz I'm the youngest), having to live without all my loved ones…Them not be able to see if I make something out of this shitty person I feel I am. I feel scared about waking up one day, be 40 years old and realizing my whole life is nothing of value, to wake up by someone I do not truly love, to be so miserable that I would be a shitty wife and a mother…
I am currently a college student away from home, and every time I visit my home I see my parents a little older and it brakes my heart. They had me a bit later in life, father was in his forties and mother in her late thirties, and while I was growing up they weren't really present, if that makes sense. My mother was working away from home, and father was always this passive figure. And then my brother got diagnosed with cancer when he was 16 and I was 11. That was a shitstorm. I remember feeling so helpless, but trying hard for everyone. Anyway, he got better eventually but it was a long recovery. He was basically dead at one point. I am so fascinated by his experience, because after all that he has a much more different perspective on life than me. He is really afraid of dying, and he can't go on funerals and hates graveyards. He told me that moments before he died he was looking around the room, seeing his guitar in the corner, seeing our mother in a really bad state not really knowing how he ended up in that situation and having a question on his mind:"is this really it?". Then he had that "life flashed before my eyes" moment, where he saw his whole life in one second and then…nothing.
They somehow managed to save him, and since then he has this positive attitude towards life, waking up every morning with a lot of energy, always lite, always smiling, always happy. I admire him so much for that. Whenever we talk and I try to explain how I feel, he just doesn't get it and he told me that he feels scared for me. I actually started to volunteer for children who are cancer patients and their parents. I thought that maybe I could actually help someone with this experience, and maybe, just maybe I would help myself too. I feel so guilty when I see those kids fighting for their lives, and their parents…and there I am, wasting my life, wishing I never existed. What the hell is wrong with me?
I feel so lonely in this. I have a couple of friends, we are not that close anymore. I actually have a feeling they got sick of me. I find it difficult to meet new people because I come of as some kind of weirdo, because I am so awkward and I feel so heavy and then I rather stay away. I have a boyfriend who loves me and I don't get why. I don't know how I feel in that relationship, because we were friends for years first, and then it just somehow happened. It wasn't like I fell in love and then got together with him…it was like dragging for year and a half, not knowing what it is, and then it was fine for another year and a half. And I do love him a lot, he is my best friend, I just don't feel good inside and I feel like I am dragging him down with me.
I always thought that it would get better in time, but it only gets worse. I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel trapped and lonely, like I'm in a glass box, looking at world passing me by.
I am so sorry for this long post, thanks to anyone who takes the time to read it.
I read so much posts from you guys and my heart hurts for every one of you going through this.
