Story Hello and maybe goodbye soon

[Dutchyala]

Hello, I'm new here.

I recently decided that ctb is the only option. I tried very hard to live my live but I'm at my limit. I'm mental ill and see no perspective for my future. My brother keeps remind me I'm a nuisance and how good his life would be without me and he is actually right. I have no friends in real life, I don't work, I'm so awkward at everything.

I have been considering what do do, I'm more scared of afterlife tbh. Because my mom was religious and I'm epileptic so I have quite some sinister dreams (I was told by my neuro it might be related to the epilepsy). Hearing sounds, hallucinating, having very vivid dreams. Sometimes these dreams are so bad that make me think what if is this how hell look like.

But I have to be brave. I'm doing no good but being a parasite here and honestly I'm tired, I tried any kind of medical treatment. I'm still anxious and depressed Idk what else I can do. I live in the 14th floor of a building, all windows are screened. I have thought of hanging myself but I'm never alone and there is nowhere but the window I can hang a rope and this is where my bed is. It seems dropping myself from the 15th floor might be certain and mostly painless hopefully. Up there there is a poll in an open space. It is easy to do at night as there is usually no one there.

I don't know why I'm so afraid. I just thought sharing here with others would make me feel better because I feel so lonely with my plans. I suffered so much in this life what is if I even feel a few seconds of pain compared to that. What are the chances of survival if I drop myself from head from this height? I take Xanax for anxiety, I was thinking of taking a lot and wait until it starts to make me drowsy and then do it. I know is a selfish thought but I wish anyone would miss me but I highly doubt it. Anyway, thanks for hearing my history . I'm trying to put things in order reset my phone. Give some things away that might be useful to someone. And then doing it and putting in my head it won't be as bad as it look like so I can have the courage to just jump.

 

[Endeavour]

Hello, sorry to hear about your troubles. They're a great understanding bunch here. Welcome.

 

[Dutchyala]

Hello, sorry to hear about your troubles. They're a great understanding bunch here. Welcome.

Thank you!
I'm really decided to do. So I was thinking tomorrow night. I can finish all I need today. I'm a little scared but I also will buy alcohol and hopefully the combination of alcohol and xanax calm me down. I'm sorry for those who will have to see me down there but I'm weak and have no courage to do different. I considered poison but it seems a very painful way to go and not sure it is going to be pretty either. I guess there is no pretty way to go.

 

[Endeavour]

Don't do anything impulsive, it's better to be the tortoise than the hare.

Is there any chance things could get better, or you might be able to find a way to cope until things can look and feel better?

 

[Dutchyala]

Don't do anything impulsive, it's better to be the tortoise than the hare.

Is there any chance things could get better, or you might be able to find a way to cope until things can look and feel better?

I think I tried everything I could tbh. I have been in this situation for a long time. I'm an aspie and suffer from PTSD, anxiety and depression. My father commited suicided when I was younger but he actually left the house for me, no one ever showed me this letter I only heard about later. Since then I endured hunger, loneliness, I abandoned school so see I don't even have school and this counts a lot here. Especially without social skills like me the only work I could see myself doing is goverment work, which is just an exam and if you pass you are employed. But I need to finish school first. And I don't even leave my home by myself so I don't see how I'm going to do that.

I have been doing treatment of lately. I have been trying many medicine but nothing work. Xanax calm me down but is so hard to get it, it is highly controlled and I depend on my brother buying it for me. But it doesn't help me getting out this situation and I see I'm quickly becoming addicted. I'm already on my 8th alternate medicine attempt to replace Xanax but nothing works except help sleeping. I tried to make friends but I'm very bad at it and my depression doesn't help. My brother everyday makes me feel bad about myself. It's hard to be motivated to finish things when there is someone always putting you down and no one to lift you up, no friends. I don't see any perspective in my life, I'm scared of becoming homeless, being raped. Once I almost was. I was caught by a drunk guy while trying to catch my horse who was running away and ran to the nearest police station and I'm so bad at talking that I sat there at the police entrance place. It was night and a small town so no one was out there. I saw the guy going down. I waited for a long time until he went away, I could see at distance and I didn't have the courage to even speak to the cops about it. See how bad I am at speaking in real life. I never told this to my parents, to anyone. I was 11. I was lucky he probably got scared of me telling the police and was gone when I walked back home.


My grandmother which was one of the few people I could count on passed away. I was left only with regrets I should have at least finished school.

I have been feeling very ill lately too and even this my brother use against me so I gave up and locked myself on my room. I have no idea what I have but constantly feeling weak, nauseated, diarrhea, lost apettitite because is always so painful to eat. It becomes even harder to think. I have no motivation to do the things I used to like anymore and for a long time I didn't. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I don't want to be a burden like he says I am and I don't want to become homeless either.

I wish I could say I can have some hope but I have been in a harsh life. As soon as dad died I was abandoned still a minor to fed for myself. I had spent more than 20 days without food none of my siblings cared. I came to the conclusion I'm unwanted in this world and I shouldn't even be born. I think many people here probably knows how this feels like or we won't be in this situation. I tried my best to make friends, to be a good friend, but social skills matter a lot. No matter how loyal, how dedicated, in the end they will always prefer someone more pleasant to be with, to talk with and I can't change who I am, I tried to be a more pleasant people but is just not my natural.
We need money in this world to survive, even to buy the only medicine that makes me not so much nervous I need money so yeah at this point I don't see any hope.

Thank you for listening and talking and for all support. It means a lot I'm having a very hard night while waiting for tomorrow. And having someone just listening to what I can't never say means a lot

 

[Dutchyala]

Hello, I'm new here.

I recently decided that ctb is the only option. I tried very hard to live my live but I'm at my limit. I'm mental ill and see no perspective for my future. My brother keeps remind me I'm a nuisance and how good his life would be without me and he is actually right. I have no friends in real life, I don't work, I'm so awkward at everything.

I have been considering what do do, I'm more scared of afterlife tbh. Because my mom was religious and I'm epileptic so I have quite some sinister dreams (I was told by my neuro it might be related to the epilepsy). Hearing sounds, hallucinating, having very vivid dreams. Sometimes these dreams are so bad that make me think what if is this how hell look like.

But I have to be brave. I'm doing no good but being a parasite here and honestly I'm tired, I tried any kind of medical treatment. I'm still anxious and depressed Idk what else I can do. I live in the 14th floor of a building, all windows are screened. I have thought of hanging myself but I'm never alone and there is nowhere but the window I can hang a rope and this is where my bed is. It seems dropping myself from the 15th floor might be certain and mostly painless hopefully. Up there there is a poll in an open space. It is easy to do at night as there is usually no one there.

I don't know why I'm so afraid. I just thought sharing here with others would make me feel better because I feel so lonely with my plans. I suffered so much in this life what is if I even feel a few seconds of pain compared to that. What are the chances of survival if I drop myself from head from this height? I take Xanax for anxiety, I was thinking of taking a lot and wait until it starts to make me drowsy and then do it. I know is a selfish thought but I wish anyone would miss me but I highly doubt it. Anyway, thanks for hearing my history . I'm trying to put things in order reset my phone. Give some things away that might be useful to someone. And then doing it and putting in my head it won't be as bad as it look like so I can have the courage to just jump.

I missed doing yesterday because I was ill. But I'm ready to do it now. I'm calm and at peace. It's nearly 3:30 AM and I'm drinking and starting taking the Xanax before going up to the 15th floor. I reseted my phone, will format the computer after this message, disposed of my things that might be useful to someone else. No unfinished business.

Thank you very much for all the kindness and love I received here

I wish everyone that is feeling like me to find the easiest and best way to go and may something good await for us on the other side. If not, at least we will finally be at peace. Death is the angel that comes to wake us from this nightmare called life.
And the best for those who want to live and are struggling. I hope you find your light and be happy!


Goodbye