irregularheartbeat
Memento Mori
- Aug 25, 2019
- 65
It's been a while since I've logged in, I think the last time was in September when I fell into a relationship with a good man, I'm still with him, and thats going well, but so many other events have happened that are making it difficult to go on.
When I joined, it was not long after I had left an abusive relationship that lasted 2 years. When I got home thankfully I was able to repair my close friendships the abusive relationship had isolated me from, I was in a time of trying to find myself and desperate to find someone who would love me. I went crazy with dates, one day after a guy had entirely fucked me over my bestfriends older brother invited us over to smoke and drink, it seemed fun, and sparked a friendship between myself, him, and his wife. I soon found myself in a relationship with them. This was filled with nightly drinking to the point of constant black outs, going to work on 1-3 hours sleep still drunk for 12-16 hour shifts and then doing it all over. Too many fucked up things happened in this time. Him and his brother raped me while I was too drunk to say no atleast once comfirmed, and I suspect another night but I can't even remember enough to be sure. The relationship finally ended, I thought it was over. Two months later I found a picture of myself they had posted on a porn site, they took it down when I asked them too and told them to never use anything of mine again, they rubbed it in my face just how many nude photos and videos they had of me. I felt disgusting, but again, I hoped it was over. Until the beginning of December he messaged me again, and ended up telling me to kill myself, I deserve to die I'm a slut. I told him to leave me alone and never talk to me again, I made sure he was blocked on everything. So he sent my boyfriend a picture he had of me from when I was with them. I felt so violated. I've known this man most of my life, I never thought he would do these things to me. I have a restraining order now in hopes it can finally be over, but I still have nightmares every night. I've been raped 5 times in my teen/adult life, and I don't even know how many times as a child. I've been used and taken advantage of so many times in my life. I feel entirely like a useless object. I have a very hard time having sex with my Boyfriend because of all of this, he tried to be understanding but has been projecting it on himself, as he isnt good enough for me to desire him. He gets fustrated alot, and it makes me feel like I would be worth so much more if I could just have sex like a normal person.
Winter has always been a hard time of year for me, November a few years ago my friend killed himself on video with me, and thinking about it just always sends me in a loop.
I was diagnosed as schizophrenic in September, and have been entirely hopeless of ever getting better since. I feel like a burden, I can't work anymore since my mental health is so bad and so my friends are just taking care of me and letting me stay with them despite having no money. I'm thankful. I just feel like a burden.
This isn't everything, just a few things really bothering me again,
So hello friends, I'm back, sadly still alive, but still very much so miserable in my existence.
When I joined, it was not long after I had left an abusive relationship that lasted 2 years. When I got home thankfully I was able to repair my close friendships the abusive relationship had isolated me from, I was in a time of trying to find myself and desperate to find someone who would love me. I went crazy with dates, one day after a guy had entirely fucked me over my bestfriends older brother invited us over to smoke and drink, it seemed fun, and sparked a friendship between myself, him, and his wife. I soon found myself in a relationship with them. This was filled with nightly drinking to the point of constant black outs, going to work on 1-3 hours sleep still drunk for 12-16 hour shifts and then doing it all over. Too many fucked up things happened in this time. Him and his brother raped me while I was too drunk to say no atleast once comfirmed, and I suspect another night but I can't even remember enough to be sure. The relationship finally ended, I thought it was over. Two months later I found a picture of myself they had posted on a porn site, they took it down when I asked them too and told them to never use anything of mine again, they rubbed it in my face just how many nude photos and videos they had of me. I felt disgusting, but again, I hoped it was over. Until the beginning of December he messaged me again, and ended up telling me to kill myself, I deserve to die I'm a slut. I told him to leave me alone and never talk to me again, I made sure he was blocked on everything. So he sent my boyfriend a picture he had of me from when I was with them. I felt so violated. I've known this man most of my life, I never thought he would do these things to me. I have a restraining order now in hopes it can finally be over, but I still have nightmares every night. I've been raped 5 times in my teen/adult life, and I don't even know how many times as a child. I've been used and taken advantage of so many times in my life. I feel entirely like a useless object. I have a very hard time having sex with my Boyfriend because of all of this, he tried to be understanding but has been projecting it on himself, as he isnt good enough for me to desire him. He gets fustrated alot, and it makes me feel like I would be worth so much more if I could just have sex like a normal person.
Winter has always been a hard time of year for me, November a few years ago my friend killed himself on video with me, and thinking about it just always sends me in a loop.
I was diagnosed as schizophrenic in September, and have been entirely hopeless of ever getting better since. I feel like a burden, I can't work anymore since my mental health is so bad and so my friends are just taking care of me and letting me stay with them despite having no money. I'm thankful. I just feel like a burden.
This isn't everything, just a few things really bothering me again,
So hello friends, I'm back, sadly still alive, but still very much so miserable in my existence.
