Venting Heart broken

[Serio]

I feel like my heart is completely shattered because no matter how hard I try I can never gain any friends and I wanted to hang out with atleast one of my"friends" that I've been friends with for 2yrs for my birthday... and none of them wanted to hang out and idk it's just the fact that the group seems to be splitting up now really hurts because I don't want everyone to move on from each other I want us all to remain friends I try so hard and invest a lot and try to buy presents for them all... for holidays even tho none gets me anything....
Then this year I joined a photography class and was trying to make new friends and they were doing secret Santa and I asked if I could join they said yeah so I did... I got the present I was suppose to get someone but no one gave me anything so idk who my secret Santa was... but that made me sad and I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong or WHATS wrongs with my personality and I hate it so much I just want to die because whats the point if I'm always alone... I just want friends.. I've never truly felt like I had any true friends... and I try so hard to be nice to everyone and no one wants to hangout with me or be friends with me and I've tried asking once and none of them said I was doing anything wrong I asked if there was any way I could improve and they like said I'm fine but if I was then why do they never want to hang with me or will ditch me if we make plans every time and I just feel so alone and upset and stressed out and I just then other people's at my school will always try to target me... and then if any small thing ever happens I get suicidal like idk where my quick release plate is for camera stand and that made me extremely depressed just from that over stupid things like that and it's starting to just get worse and worse because I use to be more stable but every year it seems I get less stable because every year I just continue to see how much everyone hates me and how I can't do anything right and how I'm worthless

 

[Symbiote]

Such is life. You do everything to make your situation better and get shit on for trying. One thing I noticed about groups or clubs is that people can sense desperation and they don't like it. They think desperation is equivalent to Covid 19. But we are desperate for connection with people because we're human. It's unfair that no matter how hard we try, and try, because society says don't give up, and we still end up with nothing but humility.

I stopped chasing after people, and developed no expectations and let the people come to me. Eventually they will, eventually they want to get to know you. If you did something outstanding or even experimental with your photography, they may come, but don't expect it. Expectations lead to disappointments. It might work for you. Just hang back, chill, do your thing, people will notice.

 

[blue_muse]

You sound burnt out Serio, it's beyond frustrating when one person makes so much effort. Consider doing things that make you happy, even if that means a bit selfish. Be careful trying to please others, it can be very draining and it's not worth making yourself ill with anxiety over people who can't see your awesomeness . Sadly, some people see kindness as a threshold - how much they can get away with.